Friend's DH has just died - advice needed

[LaMigraine]

Hopefully this doesn't sound trivial but I thought I would ask as I'd like to get it right. My oldest friend's DH died last Thursday and as I'm a few hours' drive away I wanted to send some Cook meals as practical help. At home now are my friend and her two adult children, so 3 of them. Cook meals come in portions for 2 and portions for 4. My instinct is to go for meals for 4 but somehow that feels insensitive as there were 4 of them in the family but now only 3. If I go for meals for 2, the portions are quite generous so could stretch, sometimes maybe only 2 of them will want to eat, or they may not have much of an appetite at the moment, so maybe this would be more practical?? Or is that ridiculous and I should just get portions for 4. I know I'm overthinking it all but feel a bit helpless as to what to do and would like to get this small thing right.

Thanks for any advice!

They do meals for one as well - so, if you think the 4 person ones will upset them, you could get the same meal in a 2 portion and a 1 portion?

Have you checked with her she would find this helpful and has space in her freezer? I think it's a wonderful idea but you don't want to stress her out further if that's not the case, in which case, a fund for takeaways or online shopping might also be great, we've done that with a friend after she had a baby.

Sorry to hear about your friends husband. You sound very thoughtful. 💐

I think they do meals that serve 1. So either a 2+1 or three separate serves one meals.

I’d buy a selection of single meals. And that’s a lovely idea.

Id send her a voucher - not so heartwarming but when my friend’s DH died suddenly she was overwhelmed with food donations at a time when we could barely get a cup of tea into her.

What was much appreciated was the longer term stuff rather than the immediate response - sending a card 6 weeks later saying ‘still thinking of you’ that kind of thing.

This is a good idea. The initial few weeks are overwhelming on so many fronts, it is when things start to settle after a few months that the offer of help etc really is useful. A card and a genuine offer in the near future, and seeing that through would've been very much welcomed in my experience.

I agree. When my dad died last year we were inundated with food etc and ended up having to bin lots. A voucher would help on the days where they just don't feel like cooking.

I'd make the drive for the funeral instead of the meals. It will mean a lot more than a cook voucher dropping on the may. They will manage to sort meals out between 3 adults.

I agree with what everyone has said, when my husband died I was very grateful for all the food I received, which was brilliant, but later down the line (I mean after the funeral, weeks later), no-one asked about him or spoke about him at all. A gentle enquiry, a card, a video-call at that point specifically to ask about how you were finding grieving, rather than 'life goes on' type chat would have been fantastic. I don't think anyone did anything wrong,and of course everyone's life does go on, including your friend's, I'm just thinking of things you could do from a distance that would be much appreciated as I know people just feel so powerless to help.

Other ideas for practical presents which cost varying amounts: taxi fund, cleaning fund, plants delivered (lots of places do living plants now instead of flowers), 'thinking of you' cards later down the line, travelling for the funeral (I agree this is a biggie if you can but not always possible), texting every once in a while just to keep in touch, possibly a book if very sensitively done but that depends on the person, someone sent me 'the tsunami of grief' and that helped later down the line, I would save that for a little while though.

The funeral time is often very busy and the person may not have time to chat or respond appropriately now, but remember grieving is a long-haul thing, so you can be a great friend from a distance just by being there.

I should add, I was very grateful for all of the support we had at all times.

TBH I am not sure this is a good idea at all. When my OH died I really had little appetite; and certainly not the get up and go to jiggle the freezer around to accommodate ready meals arriving unbidden. And then feel guilty if I did not eat them.

I absolutely agree about the longer term - it is hard when others assume you are just fine when you are not.

I also think that people's presence at the funeral is a boost - knowing people care enough to travel and be there.

Send a voucher - I know you are well-meaning but as other posters have said, jiggling stuff about in the freezer to fit in a load of unexpected stuff may well not be what she needs right now.

This is all very helpful, thank you so much. I hadn't thought about the juggle of food in the freezer and being given too much, etc. I was always going to go to the funeral, but it's good to know that people feel that is particularly supportive. And yes, support down the line, of course. I feel guilty about not being there now and doing things, but of course it's not about me, it's about what she needs, and there will be family and neighbours and nearer friends at the moment.

Restaurant /take away voucher would be very appreciated

Why not ask, if you can? She might have a chest freezer and this is ideal. I think the point is not just to deliver something that is hard to manage just out of the blue.

Please, whatever you do, do NOT say 'if there's anything you need, just ask'. Be proactive. Say 'let's go to this play/stately home/garden centre/afternoon tea on X day', or 'shall I take your car in for it's MOT? I know you said it was coming up'. As you live some distance the latter isn't practical but you see what I mean. Offering non specific help just puts the onus on her to come up with something and then have to ask for it.
I lost my husband suddenly when my kids were little and I would have really appreciated if someone had said they would take my kids for the afternoon so I could arrange things or actually take my car for it's MOT (I totally forgot this practical thing, and I never did SORN for my husband's car which led the lots of hassle later on).

@mondaytosunday that's a great point, I've never once asked anyone who said 'just ask' to do anything, it feels too intrusive. If someone says, can I pop round just for 5 min to deliver a casserole or let's chat on Messenger in a week or two, that's very definite. I am also paranoid 'just ask' means 'don't ask really', as everyone says it. Probably my problem, I don't know.

@LaMigraine at first there will be a lot of support for your friend. They will also have a lot to organised it’s actually months or even years down the line when they really need the support and a lot of people don’t understand that.

It is described as permanently losing part of you when a DH or partner dies. It doesn’t matter how old or young you are, how prepared or unprepared it’s the lose of part of your life.

Being a good friend isn’t what you do now but what you do in 6, 12, 18 months time.