Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

My husband has died

71 replies

GiuliaGiulia · 04/11/2022 21:24

I don't know what to do. Police came this evening. My husband has died of a heart attack. Completely out of the blue. I am shaking, don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 04/11/2022 22:21

Can you make yourself a sweet drink? Nausea is a common reaction to shock and your body could with a bit of energy to burn to sustain you, and a hot water bottle.

MichaelFabricantWig · 04/11/2022 22:21

So sorry 😞

Youngmenogal · 04/11/2022 22:22

I'm so sorry for your loss,
please reach out to your friends and family for support.
Sending hugs🌹xxx

mydogsteppedonabee · 04/11/2022 22:27

I'm so sorry for your loss xx

Original poster

GiuliaGiulia · 04/11/2022 23:41

Thank you all. Just feel so worried about our future and so numb. The only blessing is that he didn't suffer. From what I know he had fallen asleep on the train, people noticed he became unwell and tried to resuscitate for almost 1 hour but to no avail. It happened at the railway station close to a big hospital, so ambulance came quickly. He was 55, no health problems. I just cannot believe it.

OP posts:

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 05/11/2022 08:16

It’s a huge change for you to go from a couple to an individual. Totally normal to feel worried about how things are going to look in the future. You can work your way through the practicalities one step at a time.

Thinking of you this morning. Try to eat little and regularly even if you don’t feel like it. Have you got family/friends you can call to be with you and your daughter today?

Cr3ateAUsername · 05/11/2022 08:23

Northernlurker · 04/11/2022 21:57

So I'm going to be a bit practical and start a list but you don't have to do any of this tonight. In fact you shouldn't. All you need to do now is keep yourself and dd warm whilst you take the first steps adjusting to the shock. Have a hot drink if you can, eat if you're able but just keep warm and wait this first vile shock out. Then:

Short term stuff to do

First ensure people who need to know are told. This is when you find somebody, friend, mum, whoever and you tell them who needs to know and they do it. Don't feel you have to tell people yourself.
Include any school or employers involved

Monday onwards:
The hospital will prepare the death certificate. You don't need to get it immediately but you will need it soon to organise a funeral and for Many other admin tasks. They should have a bereavement link service you can speak to. You will then need an appointment at the registry office. Take your husbands NI number and you can use the tell us once service which contacts a lot of agencies and is helpful. Get at least four copies because lots of places will want an original and you don't want to wait for them to come back in the post. You have to pay for extra copies.

Contact a funeral director. (They may be available over the weekend for limited contact I think) They are very kind helpful people who are used to dazed people knowing nothing. Ask friends for recommendations.

Find the Will and contact his executors which may well be you anyway. If there isn't one don't panic, as his wife you are in charge.

Money - if your money is in a joint account it still works. If most of your money was in his accounts ring his bank and explain. When you have the death certificate they should be able to help. You can get an overdraft added to your account if needed and the bank can manage matters so stuff doesn't bounce back.

Arrange what you want to say good bye. You don't have to have a formal funeral or if you like you can have a horse drawn hearse and full choir. It's up to you. Think about what he liked, talk to his friends and ask on here for tips. Your funeral director will also help.

Think about clothes and hair/make up. It's not shallow, it's important to feel at your best and you won't believe me now but it will help. You want clothes that are warm, comfortable and fabulous. Get whatever treatments you want and can afford.

Medium term

Work out the money, there are likely pensions etc. Find a helpful friend and take it slowly, lots of advice online and institutions have bereavement teams to help people like you. Expect it to take at least six months, quicker is then a bonus.

Sort out what you want to keep and what you want others to have. There is no rush for this, sone people will offer to sort it out for you. Don't let them. Working through his belongings and wishes will make you cry but it's a key part of grieving. own it. You'll be glad you do. But don't do this yet. Keep living the life you share.

I'm so sorry Op. wishing you peace.

Such a helpful comment!

AllOfTheDwarves · 05/11/2022 09:28

I'm so sorry, OP. What an awful shock for you and your DD.

Fluffycloudland77 · 05/11/2022 11:30

I lost dh after a 6 month war with cancer last month, it doesn’t make it easier if you get “notice”. I’m sorry, neither of us planned to be widows this young and neither of them wanted to leave either.

Sweetcakelady · 05/11/2022 15:43

So sorry for your loss.

DazedConfusedDone · 07/11/2022 20:22

How are you doing, OP? My DP died 4 weeks ago. Although not entirely unexpected, the end still came quicker then we'd have believed. I suspect you'll remain in the shock stage for a while.

I hope knowing that you're not alone in this experience brings a little comfort. Talk about things if you can, even just saying the same things over and over again helps with processing it,.

Original poster

GiuliaGiulia · 11/11/2022 20:58

Yesterday was the funeral. As far as a funeral can be good it was a good. I kind of managed to give my speech , there were several other lovely speeches, lots of people, lots of support

But it is so hard, I miss my husband so much.

Sleep now with my teenage daughter as I dread being on mu own in a cold (no heating because energy costs) big bed. It is hard, so hard

OP posts:

Mellymelson · 11/11/2022 21:00

I’m so sorry for your loss ❤

RandomMess · 11/11/2022 21:01

Anewuser · 11/11/2022 21:04

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Look after yourself and your daughter. Let each other grieve and be kind to yourself. There’s no right or wrong thing to do.

Take each day as it comes.

chevvyroo · 11/11/2022 21:15

I'm so sorry. Sometimes life is cruel. ❤️

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 11/11/2022 21:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 11/11/2022 21:49

GiuliaGiulia · 11/11/2022 20:58

Yesterday was the funeral. As far as a funeral can be good it was a good. I kind of managed to give my speech , there were several other lovely speeches, lots of people, lots of support

But it is so hard, I miss my husband so much.

Sleep now with my teenage daughter as I dread being on mu own in a cold (no heating because energy costs) big bed. It is hard, so hard

Thinking of you OP. Glad funeral went as well as it could. I think I'd be sleeping with my daughter as well in this situation but wishing you nothing but the best moving forward x

OrlaCarmichael · 12/11/2022 15:54

I’m so so sorry for your loss OP. There is a specific type of shock in your situation, I know because it happened to me and my children - collapse from heart failure at work. It’s just too much for your mind to take in, this level of shock goes deep into the mind and takes a long time to process.

Don’t be surprised if this doesn’t follow a typical grief trajectory, for your or your dd, and don’t be influenced by other people’s ideas about how this should look. We were more ‘functional’ in the first 6 months, in some ways, due to the protective nature of shock, than we we were from the 6 months to the 2 year mark.

I had dreams, even years later, where it was all a mistake, saying that I needed to go and tell his work that it was all a mistake and he hadn’t actually died.

Sleeping with your daughter is a good thing in my opinion, very natural.

I’ll be thinking of you, and please remember just what early stage you’re at right now, and that there are people who have trod this path - even though that’s hard to believe at the time - it just doesn’t seem possible that anyone could truly understand, when you’re right in it

MyFragility · 13/11/2022 22:52

I'm so so sorry for your loss GiuliaGiulia.

It is a huge shock and nothing can ever compare. Take each day as it comes. There will be some tough days and some less hard days. Be kind to yourself and do whatever you need to get through it. There will be people around you who will genuinely want to help and give you support. You are not alone. Accept whatever help or company you need at the moment. Don't be afraid to ask for anything.

You don't need to make apologies or excuses. Take your time. Ask yourself what you and your DD need and take it from there. There will be people I promise who will step up and surround you with love and compassion. Lean on them. Hard. They are there for you. There will be people, unfortunately, that you would never expect, who may run away and hide. Leave them be. There may be days when you feel like doing nothing, days where you want to run away, and days where you want to run yourself into exhaustion. There may be days when you want to be alone, and others where you may want to talk into the night and early hours. Every day is different. There is no right. There is no wrong.

Lastly, your DD may well grieve differently from you. Everyone's grief is different. Keep talking with her and check in with her. However, she may not want to talk with you, especially as she is a teenager. But she may feel comfortable talking with friends or teachers. The Winston's Wish charity has some good support and advice.

We are also here for you on Mumsnet too
x

babbi · 13/11/2022 23:00

I’m so sorry for your loss.
Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself .. grieving is a lengthy process .

wishing you love and strength x

Flip

1 2 3