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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

My husband has died

71 replies

GiuliaGiulia · 04/11/2022 21:24

I don't know what to do. Police came this evening. My husband has died of a heart attack. Completely out of the blue. I am shaking, don't know what to do.

OP posts:
sknba · 04/11/2022 21:41

Very sorry Flowers

RandomMess · 04/11/2022 21:41
Flowers

So sorry for your loss.

You will be so shocked. Do you have any friends or family that can come stay for a while?

Bunnyfuller · 04/11/2022 21:42

That’s so sad op. No words just sending you love xx

daisydoods · 04/11/2022 21:42

I am so, so incredibly sorry for your loss and you are all in my thoughts and prayers

familyissues12345 · 04/11/2022 21:42

Gosh what a shock for you OP, be kind to yourself, there shouldn't be anything you need to do right away.

I hope you have some support xx

Fordian · 04/11/2022 21:42

Hi, So sorry. Pull on all the support you have x 😪

thesefeelingsuck · 04/11/2022 21:42

I'm so very sorry, sending love and strength xx

XAQ · 04/11/2022 21:42

So very sorry OP.

You don't need to do anything except tell family.

Get someone to come over.

Boredof2020 · 04/11/2022 21:43

I so understand what you are feeling. I lost my husband on the 1st of Oct. I also had police, as I found him dead on the sofa after I had gone to bed. Hugs, as no words bring any comfort xx

Luredbyapomegranate · 04/11/2022 21:43

Oh OP. I am so sorry. Please ask people to come and be with you. Don’t expect anything to make sense right now. Hang in there.

RoseBucket · 04/11/2022 21:43

So sorry, awful I hope you have support.

A funeral home will help you through the practical process but just give yourself some time just now.

FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 04/11/2022 21:44

There is very little that you need to do right now.

You need to make sure you and your daughter are somewhere safe and comfortable.

Your husbands family, friends and workplace will need to know that he has passed away, if you have a close friend or family member please ask them to make those calls. It's a very hard thing to have to say to someone and if you have someone who can take that burden let them.

This is a really good guide for the things that need to be done in the coming days and weeks.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/legal-issues/what-to-do-when-someone-dies/

For tonight just do whatever comes naturally. Cry, stare vacantly into space, watch a favourite film, listen to music, sleep if you can, eat if you can, make sure you remember to drink every now and then.

FlowersFlowers

Namechange600 · 04/11/2022 21:44

I’m so sorry for your loss of your DH. My heart goes out to you. Try to eat little ad often and drink too. Try to be with someone. Talking will help. I’m so sorry xxx

TiredButAlive · 04/11/2022 21:45

I'm so sorry. Nothing needs to happen immediately. You need to process what has happened. Gather kind people around you and lean on them.

Honeyroar · 04/11/2022 21:46

I’m so sorry. How awful. You won’t have to do anything for a few days. The hospital will probably take a few days to issue the death certificate, and might have to do an autopsy if it was unexpected. Right now all you have to do is look after yourself and your daughter. Try to surround yourself with friends and family and lean on them. You’ll be in shock.

bloodywitchescat · 04/11/2022 21:47

You don't need to do anything right now and when you do there will be people to guide you. I am so sorry for your loss🌹

GiuliaGiulia · 04/11/2022 21:49

We are in the Netherlands since a few years. We used to live in the UK. Not much contact with our families. My daughter and I need to do this, it will be hard. I am completely in shock. I took him to the railway station this morning and next I see him in the hospital. He was already cold, it is unreal. I feel sick.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 04/11/2022 21:50

I bet you do. It’s a huge, awful shock.

How old is your daughter? Is she ok?

keffie12 · 04/11/2022 21:50

GiuliaGiulia · 04/11/2022 21:24

I don't know what to do. Police came this evening. My husband has died of a heart attack. Completely out of the blue. I am shaking, don't know what to do.

@giuliagiulia I don't know if you will see this or even care if you do. Your in total shock snd numb. My late husband passed away 4 and a half years ago. He was in hospital though it wasn't expected. Get family/friends to come and get you. You won't know what to do. Your whole world has just been turned upside down. The next days, weeks and so on you are going to be navigating a whole new world that is alien and you don't know anything anymore. Please personal message me here if you want to anytime. Sending my love 💓

Twinklenoseblows · 04/11/2022 21:53

I'm so terribly sorry.

I wasn't sure from your post how old your daughter is and if she knows what has happened? If not, I guess your immediate plan is to work out how and when to tell her. Depending on her age would it help to ask a friend or family member to come and stay for a little while for some practical support with childcare if possible?

Depending on the nature of his job, do they need to know now, or can it wait until Monday?

Are there any plans for the next few days that need cancelling?

Please be kind to yourself and if you need practical help please tell people what you need. People normally want to help but don't know where to begin, so if you find yourself thinking "I don't know how I'm going to find the strength to cook dinner for the foreseeable/get the washing done/walk the dog" then please ask one of the many people who say "if there's anything you need..." they'll likely be pleased to have a practical way to help you.

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 04/11/2022 21:53

I’m so sorry. My H died very suddenly too so I understand the shocked feeling.

Your mind might whir round everything for days and you might feel wired but exhausted. You might be in shock for a while yet.

You really don’t need to do anything for a few days yet. Tell your closest people and his work, but most things can wait.

Widowed and Young might be something to look up with time if you want some peer support.

Everything will be okay Flowers

Northernlurker · 04/11/2022 21:57

So I'm going to be a bit practical and start a list but you don't have to do any of this tonight. In fact you shouldn't. All you need to do now is keep yourself and dd warm whilst you take the first steps adjusting to the shock. Have a hot drink if you can, eat if you're able but just keep warm and wait this first vile shock out. Then:

Short term stuff to do

First ensure people who need to know are told. This is when you find somebody, friend, mum, whoever and you tell them who needs to know and they do it. Don't feel you have to tell people yourself.
Include any school or employers involved

Monday onwards:
The hospital will prepare the death certificate. You don't need to get it immediately but you will need it soon to organise a funeral and for Many other admin tasks. They should have a bereavement link service you can speak to. You will then need an appointment at the registry office. Take your husbands NI number and you can use the tell us once service which contacts a lot of agencies and is helpful. Get at least four copies because lots of places will want an original and you don't want to wait for them to come back in the post. You have to pay for extra copies.

Contact a funeral director. (They may be available over the weekend for limited contact I think) They are very kind helpful people who are used to dazed people knowing nothing. Ask friends for recommendations.

Find the Will and contact his executors which may well be you anyway. If there isn't one don't panic, as his wife you are in charge.

Money - if your money is in a joint account it still works. If most of your money was in his accounts ring his bank and explain. When you have the death certificate they should be able to help. You can get an overdraft added to your account if needed and the bank can manage matters so stuff doesn't bounce back.

Arrange what you want to say good bye. You don't have to have a formal funeral or if you like you can have a horse drawn hearse and full choir. It's up to you. Think about what he liked, talk to his friends and ask on here for tips. Your funeral director will also help.

Think about clothes and hair/make up. It's not shallow, it's important to feel at your best and you won't believe me now but it will help. You want clothes that are warm, comfortable and fabulous. Get whatever treatments you want and can afford.

Medium term

Work out the money, there are likely pensions etc. Find a helpful friend and take it slowly, lots of advice online and institutions have bereavement teams to help people like you. Expect it to take at least six months, quicker is then a bonus.

Sort out what you want to keep and what you want others to have. There is no rush for this, sone people will offer to sort it out for you. Don't let them. Working through his belongings and wishes will make you cry but it's a key part of grieving. own it. You'll be glad you do. But don't do this yet. Keep living the life you share.

I'm so sorry Op. wishing you peace.

Northernlurker · 04/11/2022 21:58

Sorry just seen you are not in the uk so the nuts and bolts will be different but the principles are the same,

GiuliaGiulia · 04/11/2022 22:05

Thank you for the kind messages and the advice. DD is 16. I think I should go to sleep, but I sit here shaking. I feel really sick, nauseous.

OP posts:
elm26 · 04/11/2022 22:20

I'm so so sorry ♥️

Have you got family/friends around you? X