Trigger Warning: anyone got any experience of passive suicidal ideation in bereavement

[PassivelyS]

Just that really. Relatively recently my mother died who was so lovely and my best friend.

I have inherited a caring situation for my father who has dementia which I am dealing with alone and is putting me under enormous mental strain on top of my bereavement.

I often (not every day but recurring - say maybe once or twice a week especially at night after a very tough day) feel like I want to die - that I don't want to wake up - that i wouldn't care if I died in my sleep. I don't want to live another quarter or half century without my mother.

I understand from reading about grief that this feeling (wanting to die rather than actively wanting to kill yourself) is called passive suicidal ideation AND that it is very common in bereavement.

I wouldn't actively kill myself because I wouldn't do that to my father but my question is

has anyone bereaved experienced this feeling?
How long does it last?
How long did it take for it to go? or am I stuck with this forever?

Is there a risk it would tip over into actively suicidal intent?

I'm so exhausted with caring (have again had a particularly bad day) and am so sick of feeling so down and sad and like there is no point to life.

Repeat - I am not going to kill myself so please don't let this post panic anyone. Like I said, it's this passive feeling of not wanting to live.

Oh I'm so sorry you're going through this. I rarely respond to threads but yours really resonated with me. My daughter and I are as close as it sounds your Mum and you were and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Do you have any additional support? Do you have siblings? I think what you're going through is normal to a degree, but have you looked into counselling?

Hi passivelys

I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely mum. It is such an awful thing to deal with. I've been in a very similar situation as you since last year. One of my lovely parents passed away this time last year and my other parent has dementia. I felt exactly like you've mentioned. I was nearly in a robotic state the grief left completely numb and to if I didn't wake up I wouldn't have been sorry. I felt like that for around 4 or 5 months and then I decided I really needed to talk to someone as I had a complete fear my thoughts would go from being passive to actively wanting to hurt myself. I spoke to my GP and told a few people close to me all of them totally understanding. Since then (around May time I think) I've been put on Escitalopram 10mg, am seeing a Bereavement counsellor and am feeling a lot better. I'm now coming to the end of these sessions. The other thing is, those two things helped me be in a better place to talk to my other family members to ask them to take on some of the caring role for my other parent, however small, so I don't feel so overwhelmed by it all. Its by no means all better I have days and moments but I have stopped having those passive thoughts of wishing I wasn't here.

I hope any of that helps OP. It takes time, I found my grief like waves, for the first few months they were massive waves, 10ft tall, they did get smaller and still I will get hit by one from time to time but it was get easier. Take care of yourself, speak about it, it's nothing to be ashamed off and people who understand and let you express your feelings openly are your people. Don't be afraid to ask for help from professionals. Take care x

thanks @LolaLolaLolas and@3kidsaremorethanenough

I have started seeing a therapist because someone said to be even just having an independent person to talk to would help.

I have put my name down for specialist bereavement counselling as well but it is quite a long wait.

@3kidsaremorethanenough I'm sorry that you felt how I feel and you describe it exactly. I suppose it's hopeful to here that there was an end point for you.

I have one sibling who is not helping at all. I have days where I feel like I could just totally lose my temper and phone my sibling and scream at them down the " do you realise that just coming here for just one full period of 24 hours to give me a break may actually save my mental health because I want to die."

I know that if I did this I'd be accused of being manipulative and told it's just tough as they have other priorities. This doesn't help. I sometimes wish I was an only child because then I wouldn't be also dealing with this huge anger and resentment towards my sibling.

My father can be really difficult sometimes if he does or doesnt want to do something - usually this is to do with things keeping him well and safe - like stopping him from being outside when it is too cold and he's not dressed for cold weather. that kind of thing. He can be very aggressive and I've got hurt a couple of times when I've been trying to protect him. I love him enormously but I find the bad days very very hard to cope with. It's upsetting seeing him changing due to his dementia - when he was well he would never have lashed out at me or hit me.

I suppose its a feature of depression and grief but I honestly can't imagine ever really being truly happy again or having anything to look forward to. I mean I've had some good days since her death and had some good moments- had a laugh at something funny on the television for example - but it's all very transitory and just like window dressing.

It doesn't change how I fundamentally feel - which is I want to turn back time and have my mother here and not dead. I know that can't happen so the next best thing is for me to not be here. I don't want to keep dealing with this pain.

Could it be time for your father to go and live in a home? He would be professionally cared for. You could visit him. It’s a wonderful idea for family members for care for elderly parents. But the reality is that it is v v hard.

I just couldn't do it @Lavendersummer . He is happiest at home and I know everything about him, what he likes in terms of tv, food,drinks, his routines. It may be tough for me but the bottom line is that he would not be as well cared for in a home. He just wouldn't. I know a time will likely come when it is necessary if he has medical needs that can't be managed outside a clinically safe environment but he's not there yet.

I would feel even worse than I do now as I'd be destroyed by guilt. my mother would never have had him in ahome and I am determined to do all I can to avoid that until it is unavoidable. I keep thinking about what he would have done if he'd been well and I had early onset dementia. No way would he have put me in a home. The guilt would kill me I think.

i'm just in a difficult situation at a difficult time because of my bereavement. it's two terrible things to deal with at once.

It's no surprise I'm struggling I guess.

@PassivelyS do you have any carets coming in to help out? I have a family member in the same situation as you and she is struggling so badly too. She has caters come in 4 times a day and it does help, she’s also has one day a week where someone sits as a career so she can go out for the day. This has massively helped her mental health. Maybe you could look into seeing if you could get that?

*carers

sorry don’t know how it changed to that random word.

I’m In a bit of a similar situation op.
my wonderful dad died last month and my mum, due to her dementia has had to go into a home. Im also facing problems with my health - cancer related and feel as if I’m not able to grieve the loss of my dad as mum is unhappy in the home and just wants to go home. There’s absolutely no chance that this could happen so I’m constantly trying to deflect and change the subject.
My mum and dad have always been amazing parents and were considerate and thoughtful. I miss them so much even though Mum is still here.
Hugs x x

After my child died I totally felt that way. I would never do that to my family though, so it was passive. The first year was the worst. It did eventually settle but I can't remember the time frame. Counselling can be helpful.

Thank you op as you have just explained exactly what I'm feeling but have been struggling to articulate.
Dm died this year stage 4 cancer, I looked after her, moved in wfh at her house, no support from dsis (x3) then dm died the only time that I wasn't there.
What you have put in your post is exactly how I feel, I don't want to commit suicide but I want to go to sleep and not wake up.
I thought this was just grieving.
Take care of yourself ❤️

Hello, so sorry you are going through this.
You are such a lovely daughter to be putting your dad first, but I would echo what others have said in relation to carers/ some additional help.
You are grieving your mum and need some time and space to do that. Also caring for someone with dementia is not a one person job, possibly not ever but definitely after a certain point.
❤️💐

Christ I've had a huge surge of this feeling today. I don't really want to live.
I've cried a lot today. It's only my father who is keeping me going.

He hasn't been very well I think he's just caught a bug I hope but the stress of it, the worry of something happening to him as well as the strain of cleaning up, clothes changing and so on has just tipped my scales into the depressive zone again.

All I can think about it is how I just don't want to live the rest of my life without my mother. I just don't want that life. I don't want to live. I just don't see the point. The only point to me right now is to look after my dad.

I've recently started bereavement counselling but I don't think it is addressing the problem - I mean how could it - the problem is facing a bleak future alone, unloved with no one who cares about me.

Hi OP, it’s very early days in your bereavement, I had similar feelings after my Dad died and I had to look after my Mum over ten years ago.

My life felt like an existence but in time it got better and I did learn to find some joy in things for myself again, I hope you do too ❤️

@Back21970 thank you for replying to me. I can't see how I can get there.

I mean I see that yes I might be able to find little moments of enjoyment but I can't see that I will ever be truly happy, feel truly loved as I was by my mother or feel like I have a future or something to look forward to.

It was like she was my stability my foundation so I could go out into the world and do anything knowing she was there for me. Now that's gone. There's no one there for me and won't ever be. No one would care if I was on a plane that crashed. It will be like that for the rest of my life.

I don't mean that people who knew me or met me might not feel a pang of sorrow - I mean no one who really cares

It all looks so black as a future.

I totally get this feeling. My mum died after a long illness and in the space of 4 weeks my seemingly healthy dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and died. Just weeks apart. They were everything to me. I was 33 years old and 20 weeks pregnant. My whole world had crashed. I remember feeling lost, alone. A part of me went with them. That was 6 years ago. The first year - 18 months was definitely the worst. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I just wanted to say that I get it, and I'm sorry you're going through this xxx

This described my emotions exactly. I felt tired of living and happy to die. I thought about death daily and had no joy. 3 bereavements, a caring role and covid era all led to this. I started anti depressants after 2.5 yrs of this and wow....its just lifted the cloud and all that has gone. I'm happy

Yeah OP I get this in my bad moments. My mum only died six months ago and it’s harder now because this is the new normal and the shock and sadmin have all been dealt with.

I am by nature pretty upbeat so really don’t want to feel like this habitually. I’m gong to the GP for antidepressants next week.

I've thought about anti-depressents but terrified will get addicted. and they wouldn't really solve my problems. I'm not really "depressed".

I am grieving my mother horrifically and I don't want to live without her for the rest of my life. Anti-depressents won't solve that particular problem.

I'm also quite broken by the caring some days are good but when its a day of aggression, piss and poo cleaning up, clothes and sheets changing, it is so so hard and exhausting and relentless. neverthelss I'm terrified of him dying too and life without him. I will be so alone.

I did a lot of caring for my mum, she lived with us and I was completely exhausted by the time she died. To be honest, I think my primary emotion was relief and that went on for months. I can’t imagine even starting to grief while caring for somebody else, it sounds absolutely draining for you. When do you get a chance to process?

are you able to access:

respite
counselling
Emotion support?

I lost my daughter New Years Day 2016. I’d say I haven’t had any passive suicidal ideation for about nine months now so it has taken about six years.

However things got markedly better at around a year although I started anti depressants then. Were relatively good around three years but I weaned off the anti depressants too early and things got rocky again. Been up and down but with a general trend up. Weaned off anti depressants completely around 2 years ago and things have been really good and stable without the wanting to just die thoughts in the past year.

So I’d say it’s a long road and you are still early days. A mental health nurse said to me it takes two years but I found that just meant by two years I was past crisis mode. I really recommend medication, it helps you get by, use therapy and stay alive. It’s takes a lot longer than you think and I think probably more time if you’re very occupied with no time to grieve as I was too. I don’t think five/six/seven years is an unrealistic time frame.

@FannyBawz I am haveing counselling and bereavement therapy. I have no emotional support at all really - friends fell by the wayside for which I am responsible partly myself, no partner but if I had one, I'm sure he'd have left too during all this.

It is draining.

@sandberry I'm so sorry your daughter died. Condolences.

Six years? on the one hand it's good to know there could be an end to this feeling; on the other hand - 6 years my life will nearly be over and I can't cope feeling like this for that long. As well at some point, sadly, unless I am hit by a bus or something, my father will die too so I'm going to have another bereavement and resurggence of these feelings. My future just seems so black and hopeless.

I feel like my parents were all I had really - my source of love, my power if you like and now my mum has gone and my father is disappearing into dementia, the more my life spark has diminished. I want out really. except for my dad - he would be devastated without me so I trog on. but only him keeps me going.

I honestly wouldn't be suprised if what is passive ideation now tips over into active suicidal thoughts when my father dies. I worry about that a l ot too.

I’m so sorry OP that you’re in this bleak place. Like a PP, I lost my parents very close together when I was in my 30s. I found it hard to find reasons to get out of bed in the mornings and that persisted for a long time. I did (and still do) have a loving partner and children though so they became my reason to keep going. But for a long time the thought of just not waking up the next day was something I sort of hoped for. Bereavement counselling was helpful for me, even though I didn’t understand how it could be (because as you say, it cannot fix the thing that is wrong). I also used antidepressants at various times and they were hugely helpful. I have no solutions for you but just want to wish you well 💐

@PassivelyS

I am so sorry you are feeling so low and trapped. I think anyone reading your post will sympathise with the perfect storm of losing your mum and dealing with your dads illness, and the intractability of people who should be supporting you. It must feel overwhelming and insurmountable.

Nothing to say really except to remind you that organisations like the Samaritans are there to listen when you get to breaking point .

thank you @waterlego and @viques I appreciate your kindness in replying to me and everyone else too.

I found it hard to find reasons to get out of bed in the mornings and that persisted for a long time. I did (and still do) have a loving partner and children though so they became my reason to keep going. But for a long time the thought of just not waking up the next day was something I sort of hoped for.

This is me exactly but my only reason to keep going is looking after my father who couldn't manage without me. In one way I suppose I'm lucky I have him because he is a reason to keep going. but like i said, i'm scare of what will happen when I don't have that.

I feel like my life will be a blackhole. My work life has disappeard into caring, my friends have disappeared, my emotional support/people who love me will be gone when my father dies. It will just be little old me on my own with zero things to look forward to, zero love, zero caring or kindness. Just a big black hole of emptiness.

I know some of this is my fault because my actions have lead to my life shrinking to being just me as a carer for my father but the bigger picture (no love for me or support or confidante or happienss wihtout my mum) is the same anyway.