Feeling very sad and disappointed!

[shinjuku09]

Please be gentle with me, I've not posted on Mumsnet for years and it's taken me courage to do this.

So my lovely mum died last month. It wasn't massively sudden but was a very fast decline. She died four days after she was told she'd only got weeks or months to live. The end was very traumatic in lots of ways.

Fast forward a month and I've just left a family holiday with the in laws early.
Not sure if I'm being massively over sensitive. I know everyone is different and some find bereavement or difficult subjects hard to bring up.

However not one of my husband's three sisters or his parents sent a card to me or my dad after the death. My dad has not been contacted at all the whole time by the in laws
They didn't know each other well but exchanged Christmas cards and the odd email.

I did eventually get a few texts from my some of them - not all of them - after I moaned about it to my husband! One of them was from my MIL saying presume you can move on now the funeral is over.

Anyway I arrive at the family holiday feeling absolutely full of anxiety. The last thing I want to do when my own mum recently died is to be away with them as nice as they are. Not one mention of my mum at any point during the first two days apart from one of my sister's in law's husbands who said he was sorry about the sad news. Nothing else. No how are you, how is your dad? Nothing.

I totally get that they prob think I'll get upset if they ask or that maybe I don't want them to. This is far from the truth but how would they know, I guess.

But combined with the lack of contact after the funeral I just felt absolutely livid and heartbroken. I just felt like everyone was expecting me to be joining in with the usual family games, no help given with our severely autistic child when I was on the verge of crying (husband busy with other kids),no kind words, nothing. I don't know what I wanted but it wasn't that.

Husband sees what I mean but says it is the way they are and that I'm being over sensitive.
Some of them likely on the spectrum themselves but by no means many of them.

They are all very worthy and do various bits of volunteering, hosting refugees, one even volunteers with the Samaritans. But nobody thought to ask how I was.

Please tell me am I being over sensitive? I feel so heartbroken and just want to be treated kindly and just felt like they couldn't give a shit about me.

I have left early and come home so now sat on my own missing my kids and husband and feeling like absolute crap.

Maybe her parents in law if they are close. I dont think her sister in laws would necessarilly send cards though. I don’t even know the birthdays of any of my sibling-in-laws never mind sending them cards! My actual siblings might send me a happy birthday text but I don’t receive anything from any in laws.

OP also mentions autism/ neurodiversity, this may be a factor, I am pretty sure I have ADHD (on the waiting list for diagnosis) and I have realised in adulthood my mum displays a lot of signs of autism. A lot of social norms that maybe seem obvious to others definitely weren’t taught to me and my siblings by my parents who were pretty reclusive (neither had any friends that I know of for example). They might not be being rude, they might just not know how to navigate these kinds of things either because they are neurodiverse or because they were brought up by neurodiverse people for whom these kind of things are difficult for (I’m not of course saying navigating things like bereavement are hard for everybody who is neurodiverse, but in this family maybe it is the case).

I found when my dm died l really took it hard when people didn't acknowledge it. So many did but my mind kept going back to those who didn't. Dhs family all travelled across country to attend as did all inlaws in the family and that is very regular where l live. But some people l would see every week didn't come or contact me.it hit me hard. But as time went on l realised that was my grief. I needed to be angry with someone and l was so angry with them. Really it was their own inadequacy and nothing they did was going to make my dm come back. I began to focus on those who did come and that hurt and anger abated. Your inlaws have fallen short but that's their shortcoming. I would think less of them but be aware anger is a big part of grief.

@MolkosTeenageAngst I just cannot imagine being close enough to go on holiday with someone but not close enough to mention their birthday or a death. Neurodiversty might be a reason but it’s a poor excuse for being so mean.

@junebirthdaygirl
I would think less of them but be aware anger is a big part of grief

This post is very wise. I am angry and upset right now because my brother and in-laws have only cursorily acknowledged my mother’s death two weeks ago. My brother had hardly any involvement in DMs care leading up to her death and I think he hasn’t really processed what’s happened and it doesn’t occur to him that I might need some sympathy having been with her at her death and sorting out all her care and death admin. I don’t know what my in-laws excuse it as a was very involved in supporting them during past breavements.

I think it’s true that there is always some anger after a death that can attach itself to those who are inept in the face of bereavement. Some people just can’t handle grief and can’t empathise with others. It’s their loss.

But presumably the OP is going on holiday with his parents as her DH’s wife, not as a close friend of the in laws? Her DH is close to his siblings and naturally is bringing his wife on the family holiday, but that doesn’t mean anybody in the family is close to OP, or her to anybody else? It’s like when somebody has a +1 at the wedding, the invitee might be close to the couple but doesn’t mean their +1 is? I have a brother in law I’ve only met twice, once at a funeral and once at their wedding, but we have a family holiday planned (by my mum) for next year. It would be weird for either of us to decide not to go on the basis we’re not close. I’m close to my sister, his wife, and would of course wish her a happy birthday each year but doesn’t mean I feel the same about her husband!

Breathtaking.

The clue is in the name: ‘family holiday’. In-laws are family.

They’re not family in the same way your parents or siblings etc are though are they. In most cases if a married couple split up they don’t each stay in touch with their ex-in-laws. They’re only family for as long as they’re married into it, and they don’t have all of the shared history that siblings will do for example. I don’t really see my siblings’s spouses as family, I would never contact them independently (don’t even have most of their phon numbers!) or arrange to see them without my siblings present. None of my siblings live at all close to me though (all at least a 3 hour drive away) and I only see most of them once or twice a year, if that, I can see that maybe it’s different in a family where they live locally and you see each other every week or so. There are so many variables in terms of families that what works for one family may be very different for another. OP hasn’t really given enough background information regarding her relationship with her in-laws to make a proper judgement.

@MolkosTeenageAngst honestly that’s just not how I or anyone I know would treat in-laws. To me they are my family and I treat them as such. Clearly I’m lucky I have married into a lovely family and I’m sorry OP has not been as fortunate.

Sorry for the delay in replying. Just wanted to say a massive thank you so much for everyone who's taken the time to reply. I really appreciate all the thoughts on it, even the ones saying I'm being unreasonable as at the end of the day I can't change how they are. It may be alien to me to shy away from feelings but if that's how you've been brought up then I can see that's going to have a big bearing on your own approach to it all.

I've calmed down a bit now and feel like I've managed to separate the anger over it from my own sadness and realise it doesn't make her any less loved as the people who matter have really been very supportive.

Guess it just cements that the in laws and I are very different people and I need to accept that.

But really do appreciate those who get why I felt the way I did. It's an awful time and as someone said, just a kind 'how are you' would have meant the world to me.

You are missing the point; t's not about discussing it, it's about acknowledging it. Basic courtesy, really.

I don’t have any wisdom to impart, but I feel for you. DFIL died two years ago and MIL doesn’t seem to realise that anyone else in the family has grieved other than her. Everything is about her and her loss. I don’t think she has ever considered her own children’s grief.

My DF died a few weeks ago and all she has asked is about my DM. No question about how I am, or expressing she is sorry for my loss. She doesn’t seem to have any idea that anyone other than a spouse might grieve a person. But she is a person who does not seem to be able to understand anyone’s point of view except her own, so there’s that. It’s still hurtful, though.

I am so sorry to hear that. That's really sad that people can't see how awful it is for children and extended family too

This is so sad OP. Do the in-laws know why you have gone home? I hope your husband has explained your feelings to them.

You never really get over a bereavement, it just becomes less difficult after a time. How long that time is varies for each individual.

There is no time limit by when you should be "over it".

Very poor behaviour on their part. You are justified in feeling upset with them.

Thank you Mosiac for your kind words. It was a few weeks ago now and they had some idea of why I left but hubby blamed it mostly on me finding it hard being with his family after my mum had passed. No word from any of them since then!

@shinjuku09 - I am so deeply sorry for your loss. You obviously adored your Mum and miss her very much. Of course you are feeling anxious and sensitive - it has only been a month and your bereavement is still very new.

@VaseFlowerWater 's post is very true - particularly the part where she says

"You know that expression 'you find out who your friends are"about a crisis? I think - or at least I have found - the same is true of bereavement. It puts relationships under a powerful bright light, it magnifies kindness and puts relationships under real strain."

I too have found this. Sadly, the biggest shock is that finding out family and supposedly close friends simply aren't there and run away when it comes to bereavement. On a more positive note, sincerely hope you have found others however, who have stepped up and are supporting you with love and kindness.

For the moment, ignore your in-laws. Be kind to yourself. If you don't want to see them right now, you don't need to. You can tell your DH that you are disappointed that they haven't acknowledged your DM and your loss. Tell your DH how you would like to be treated over your bereavement. Some people like to talk about their loved one, revisit memories, speak their name without embarrassment, and cry freely. Others prefer to be left alone in their grief. If you don't say anything, most people will tend to leave you alone or not mention it, thinking that it is easier for you and that they don't want to upset you. Whatever you want, tell your DH. Then leave it to him to communicate that message and leave it to your in-laws to deal with that message. How they deal with it will speak volumes.

I hope that your in-laws will in time be more sympathetic. But please don't be shocked if some people simply don't or never say anything. Sadly when my teen DS died, hardly any of DH's family came to visit nor send a card nor have said anything to me since. It hurts a lot - but then I have a lot of good friends around who have been wonderfully supportive and mean much much more to me.

Thank you so much, really do appreciate all the responses. MyFragility thank you, absolutely think your comment has hit the nail on the head with lots of aspects of it. Have indeed had lots of amazing support from great friends and even some unexpectedly amazing support from people I wouldn't have expected to step up!