Feeling very sad and disappointed!

[shinjuku09]

Please be gentle with me, I've not posted on Mumsnet for years and it's taken me courage to do this.

So my lovely mum died last month. It wasn't massively sudden but was a very fast decline. She died four days after she was told she'd only got weeks or months to live. The end was very traumatic in lots of ways.

Fast forward a month and I've just left a family holiday with the in laws early.
Not sure if I'm being massively over sensitive. I know everyone is different and some find bereavement or difficult subjects hard to bring up.

However not one of my husband's three sisters or his parents sent a card to me or my dad after the death. My dad has not been contacted at all the whole time by the in laws
They didn't know each other well but exchanged Christmas cards and the odd email.

I did eventually get a few texts from my some of them - not all of them - after I moaned about it to my husband! One of them was from my MIL saying presume you can move on now the funeral is over.

Anyway I arrive at the family holiday feeling absolutely full of anxiety. The last thing I want to do when my own mum recently died is to be away with them as nice as they are. Not one mention of my mum at any point during the first two days apart from one of my sister's in law's husbands who said he was sorry about the sad news. Nothing else. No how are you, how is your dad? Nothing.

I totally get that they prob think I'll get upset if they ask or that maybe I don't want them to. This is far from the truth but how would they know, I guess.

But combined with the lack of contact after the funeral I just felt absolutely livid and heartbroken. I just felt like everyone was expecting me to be joining in with the usual family games, no help given with our severely autistic child when I was on the verge of crying (husband busy with other kids),no kind words, nothing. I don't know what I wanted but it wasn't that.

Husband sees what I mean but says it is the way they are and that I'm being over sensitive.
Some of them likely on the spectrum themselves but by no means many of them.

They are all very worthy and do various bits of volunteering, hosting refugees, one even volunteers with the Samaritans. But nobody thought to ask how I was.

Please tell me am I being over sensitive? I feel so heartbroken and just want to be treated kindly and just felt like they couldn't give a shit about me.

I have left early and come home so now sat on my own missing my kids and husband and feeling like absolute crap.

Sorry I meant lack of contact after the death not after the funeral

Oh @shinjuku09 I wish I could give you a hug. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Of course you aren't being oversensitive. You are grieving your lovely mother and this is a very raw time.

These are two different things -not writing and then not mentioning it in person. I think the combination together has had a cummulative effect so it is hurting more than either would separately.

You know that expression 'you find out who your friends are"about a crisis? I think - or at least I have found - the same is true of bereavement. It puts relationships under a powerful bright light, it magnifies kindness and puts relationships under real strain. My mother died recently and I was very shocked that a woman who I thought was my best friend didn't bother with me at all. I was so hurt and it made me view her and the friendship very differently.

I know you weren't as close to these relatives but it's worth remembering that not everyone copes well with any of these things

death as a subject of conversation
bereavement as subject of conversation at all
grief
tears or another person crying or being upset
a person you don't know well getting upset

it could be any of these things. Or it could other reasons like they didn't feel that close to you and felt it would be hypocritcal to write or they just didn't know what to say. Who knows? The only way you will find out is either by asking directly or sending an intermediary such as your husband to ask.

Ultimately, you aren't being oversensitive because you are in the eye of the storm of your grief. It hurts.

And what you are really really truly at core upset about is the death of your mother. Think of it this way - would she have cared whether these people wrote to you or not? I doubt it! She'd just be worried about you.

Your upset is probably because on some level you are feeling this is a sign that no one cared about your mother. But you know that's not right. She was loved.

Grief is painful especially for loss of a loved mother. I know I'm right there with you.

That is an awful way to be treated after the loss of your lovely Mum.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. These people were rude and very mean.
You are not being over sensitive at all.

Sending you a hug and my sincere condolences x

Mine did exactly this too. I look at them in a totally different light. I’ve no interest in them now, as they had none in me and my family.

I completely get why you feel this way...I would too

YABU OP when my DH lost his parents my family did everything they could to make it easier for him. Including helping to cater the wakes and taking DFIL out before he died. They are being extremely insensitive however I think you have a DH problem really. I wouldn’t have stood for my parents not being sympathetic or supportive. I hope that you leaving has made them rethink their actions.

Sorry but I think YABU, although understandably so. My siblings wife just lost her mum and I didn’t send a card, she didn’t send one to me when I lost my parent a few years ago, it wouldn’t have even occurred to me that sending cards was a thing expected of an in-law. I don’t think her parents and my parents have ever been in touch outside of at the wedding either, definitely not sending cards. Are your in-laws friends with your dad, because if not I wouldn’t have expected them to be in contact with him?

I didn’t ask my sister in law about her mum when I saw her last weekend either, it’s not that I don’t care as I had it in my mind but I didn’t want to bring it up and feelings aren’t really something we speak about in our family. I’m not very good at talking about anything like that. I’ve never discussed the loss of my own parent with my remaining parents or any of my siblings, beyond the logistics of getting to funeral etc, let alone discussed that sort of thing with anybody else. It’s just not the done thing in my family to talk about how you feel, I’ve never cried in front of my siblings or mum in adulthood for example. I keep my feelings to myself. Not all people want to talk about feelings and how they feel etc, lots of people feel awkward about it or would not want to bring it up out of the blue. I know some people and families discuss these sorts of things but personally I wouldn’t discuss someone else’s bereavement with them unless they brought it up first and it sounds like your DH’s family are similar. They probably didn’t want to mention it and make you sad or uncomfortable, it sounds like it’s their family’s culture and not a slight towards you. You obviously have different expectations but I don’t think their approach was necessarilly wrong, it was just different to what you would have done.

I totally get it OP. Some people are emotionally ignorant (See Previous post). You deserved better. A bereavement like this certainly shows you peoples true colours. Look after yourself.

OP I'm so sorry for your loss. Are you actually saying that none of your husbands family attended the funeral or contacted you . That is unheard of where I'm from. That's absolutely awful.

Same thing happened to me...

The only person who made me cry about my parent dying was my hideous MIL.

I drew an emotional line in the sand after it happened, it was game over for me. I totally disconnected with her on an emotional level. I was a very polite brick wall.

15 years later she's old and lonely expecting me to jump in to make phone calls, visit her etc.

Not a fucking chance in Hell...you reap what you sow...

Reading this back, I think I might be still holding a grudge...😬

I'm really sorry but I'm another person who thinks you're being unreasonable. Unless I was absolute best friends with someone/increasingly close I would never bring up someone else's bereavement. I would take my lead from them and not mention it unless they did. This is because I would hate for someone else to bring it up if I was in that position, I would find it invasive and insensitive. Some families just don't talk about feelings much.

OP I’m so sorry I was meant to write YANBU 🙈

@MolkosTeenageAngst @PrincessesRUs the thing is sympathy cards and messages aren’t for the person that has died. It doesn’t matter whether you knew them it’s to show you care about the person you know. I mean they are sold in all shops so they can’t be that unusual to send. I despair that some people are so emotionally ignorant! It really doesn’t take much to say you are sorry for someone’s loss! You aren’t going to remind them or bring them down - they haven’t forgotten after all they are grieving!

YANBU.
Firstly deepest condolences to you on the loss of your DM.
I find it totally heartless and insensitive of them not even to acknowledge your loss, even with a pat phrase 'sorry for your loss' or 'sorry to hear about your mum' - it really doesn't take much. To be honest even a simple 'how are you doing' with a touch of your arm or a look that says 'I know what you are going through and I am here to listen' can sometimes be enough. What is the point of family, if they cannot give even a modicum of support in your hour of need?!! Probably they feel awkward but they should get over it!

@shinjuku09 unfortunately some people are very unthinking when it comes to others feelings. Brits can be very strange, they probably expressed more sympathy for QE2 than your dm.

My df went to both of my in-laws funerals. I doubt if they would have done the same though if df had gone first.

You're not over sensitive, you’re grieving and your in-laws are bloody heartless.

I am so sorry. I would find that hard to deal with too.

@MolkosTeenageAngst

My siblings wife just lost her mum and I didn’t send a card, she didn’t send one to me when I lost my parent a few years ago, it wouldn’t have even occurred to me that sending cards was a thing expected of an in-law.

I find this really shocking to be honest. Unless you really don't get on with your sister-in-law why wouldn't you write to express your condolences for their loss? This presumably a person you know who is important to and loved by your sibling. Your sibling will be dealing with their wife's grief so it affects them too.

Not so much "a card" necessarily but even not to write a letter of condolence or send a message? It's not just thoughtless and unkind but it's pretty socially ignorant I think. I wonder if it is a generational thing that people don't write letters anymore?
But even assuming that writing a letter or a card is not your thing and you are tech-generation - not even to send a email saying 'sorry for your loss'?

Pretty lacking in empathy and kindness.

My in laws were the same too. My mother in law died about eight years ago so it surprised me a lot that no one could then be kind to me. I care a lot less now about them to be honest. I see now they are not my family and I am much less interested.

I would find that very difficult too. Your poor thing. I'm very sorry for your loss.

I'm afraid I do think it's an absolute cop out to say 'we don't talk about feelings in our family'. I can confidently say I come from one of the most buttoned up families on the planet and would no doubt be thought stuck up by many, but not one of us would ignore someone else's bereavement, particularly an inlaw who we were on holiday with. We might not manage anything very sophisticated but we'd manage to say we were sorry and ask how you were. I also know very well just how much a card means after a death and do try to send them.

I'd say that your husband is right, this is how your in-laws are. And it's not very nice. Please do find support with your own friends or your GP - bereavement counselling might really help.

I know they’re not for the person who died but for their family but I would only expect to send a sympathy card to a very very close friend. It would have to be somebody I regularly send birthday etc cards to, which is only a handful of people. I would think it would seem completely odd to send a sympathy card to somebody I had never sent a card to before in my life. I didn’t receive a single sympathy card when my Dad died and didn’t expect to, to be honest I don’t know many people under 60 who regularly send cards. I would probably send a text to acknowledge a bereavement if I was to acknowledge it, but likely only in response to them personally announcing it. If I heard about the bereavement second hand I would never text or send a card, I would feel very intrusive doing that.

So very sorry Op - and you're not wrong to feel as you do. It should be a basic common "decency" to acknowledge the loss of someone - especially a family member.

Whether it's a card or a personal comment - either will do - especially if you know that a face to face discussion is too hard for you. To ignore it if you're related (even as an in law) is callous.. Shame on them frankly.

You poor thing. What shitty insensitive in-laws you have.
Mine are the same. And I will never forgive them.

So sorry for your loss OP. Your inlaws are horrible frankly YANBU.

@MolkosTeenageAngst i find it hard to believe OPs in laws don’t send her a birthday card. Personally I don’t apply the same rules but I would rather be intrusive than not mention it as to me that is worse, but obviously that’s my opinion.

My DM passed away last month, when we told MIL where the cremation was she said it was too far to drive, even though my BIL would take her and her sister.
Day before the funeral MIL announced she had a UTI and wouldn't make it. All well and fine if she hadn't managed to go to her Crafting Class that afternoon.
I'll never forget or forgive that.