How do I support a friend who has lost her DS?

[MadeInChorley]

A dear friend has lost her son today. I’ve known her all my life and she’s amazing. It was sudden and unexpected. Although it’s not clear what happened, it sounds like his death was unexplained and/or perhaps natural causes. He was brilliant - in his 20s, with a partner, good job and part of a lovely family and close with his siblings. They are all devastated.

How can I best support her and them - now and going forward? Practically and emotionally. I live about 45 mins away, so can go there (if needed/asked) but it’s not just round the corner and I wouldn’t just turn up. Or should I? Flowers, card, making a casserole? I’ve sent her a WhatsApp to say I’m here for her and will message to see how they are, and they shouldn’t reply unless they want to.

thanks for your advice.

I would be careful around flowers, flowers need care and then they die, the dying can be a stark reminder of what you've lost. Flowers were a pain in the arse when DH died, I didn't have enough vases for a start. Snacky things were better than meals I found, biscuits to go with the endless cups of tea that I drank or some nice cakes. I welcomed people who dropped in on me and just sat a while but not everyone likes it. I am so sorry for her loss, losing a child is just awful.

You’ve reached out and offered your help. That’s a good start.

Thanks so much for replying. Good to know about too many flowers and lack of vases - my friend is very practical. And it didn’t feel right to send them in respect for a young man. I’m guess I’m just feeling so sad about a lovely lad and useless.

I lost my brother last year. I'd say no to flowers. I like flowers and I didn't want flowers to then remind me of my brother dying. DM got angry every time she received more.

There are various online groups like The Compassionate Friends who have FB groups and forums which may be of use to her. Grief of siblings is very different to that of parents and so on. My DM effectively made the living siblings feel like they weren't loved as much as the one who died and things, so if you can I'd say it's good to try and look out for everybody a little bit as it really will impact everyone differently, and they will need different kinds of support.

My DM found writing in a journal every day helped. Just getting stuff out of her head and onto a page. Usually everyone's sleep is shit, worth letting GP know what has happened etc in case they have any particular suggestions.

It's so hard because different things help some and not others. I'd offer to help with anything she needs, helping collect his things, funeral plan, just to be by her side and supporting her. She can have conversations with you that she can't with the rest of her family and that's invaluable. This bit is excruciating, but it's also horrible a few months down the line when everyone else moves on with life. Always talk about him, mention memories, acknowledge his birthday and that it's an anniversary or similar, your friend will have these imprinted on her mind and you mentioning them won't cause her upset, it's the death of her son that will cause upset. But keeping his memory alive will mean so much.

If that was my best friend I would definitely go round...even if you just sit and have a cup of tea with her...the worst thing about death is people shy away from it and stay away.
Please visit her xx

Not the same thing but when my DH was hospitalised, my mum's neighbour made me some lasagnes in foil containers, just needed baking for 20 mins or so and eaten straight from the container so no washing up. They were so tasty and useful, meant I didn't have to cook for the DCs. Also my mum periodically came and did all my washing and ironing so we had clean clothes and uniforms.

But I would go round even if you just sit with her for 30 mins and have a cup of tea. But practical assistance is invaluable IME.

Yes, thank you for your kind help. Bringing them something would be uaeful, less intrusive and will be of more help. I can go round to see her on Fri morning. And can cook and bake tomorrow night.

Definitely go round and give her permission to tell you to go away. Call her at least weekly - she doesn’t have to pick up if she doesn’t want to but I remember a woman I work with said she had lots of “call me if you want to talk” messages and she would never pick up the phone, but appreciated the people who leant in. Who weren’t afraid of her grief. Practical things like meals she can freeze are good too.

I'd bring some food around. When I lost my daughter - very different circumstances - I wouldn't have manged to feed myself if it wasn't for the amazing friends group turning up on the doorstep each day with a dish

I rang my best friend to tell her & she just said 'I'm on my way' she was just 'there' as much as she could be.

Go and see her , take biscuits or anything easy to eat really
She probably will needs a hug and someone to talk too ( take tissues , it will be emotional )
Sadly , many people will be crossing the road so as not to talk to her

Be honest rather than reaching for cliches. Say 'I don't know what to say and I'm nervous about getting it wrong' - it's a million times better than 'thinking of you at this difficult time'. Agree re flowers - food much more welcome - especially meals that can be frozen. Eating healthily can seem overwhelming but it's an important part of self-care. Encourage your friend to take a walk in nature with you - just stretching your legs and breathing fresh air can help - epseially with sleeping which might not be great at the moment.

Offer specific help that you can provide rather than "let me know if there's anything I can do..." type offers. From her side it's too hard to work out what you need or to feel able to ask (how do you differentiate between people who meant the offer and those who were just saying it to be polite?).

Remember her in 6 months, 12 months, 2 years when everyone has moved on with their lives and forgotten.

Everyone is different and what one person finds helpful another finds painful. You can only do your best to care and show her she is cared for - don't worry about the perfect response, just respond.

Order a hamper of food or a small online shop she's more than likely struggling and will put off doing things such as cooking or even eating snacks.
Water
Milk
Bread
Biscuits
Crackers
Cheese
Crisps
Jam
Butter
Chocolate
Tea

Agreed about the flowers, they die and that’s sad, and when my grief flowers died it was a reminder that it had been 7 days or so since my last contact with my sibling, etc. My brain did a lot of mental arithmetic in trying to make sense of things, how many days since last birthday, how long since last text, new season of siblings show has started and he had no idea when he watched the last episode that he’d only got three days left on Earth, etc.

I think his siblings will be grateful if you can stay present in his parents life and do things to keep them busy from time to time. I felt like I was under tremendous pressure to be present for my parents so that they weren’t alone, to the point that I didn’t get much time for my own very different grief. My parents preferred to remember him as perfect, an other worldly totally unique being, I just wanted to remember him exactly as he was, flawed and human. So you may need to adapt your communication based on which particular member of the family you’re dealing with. At my brothers funeral I asked my dads friends to keep in touch with him, because I couldn’t be solely responsible for his wellbeing (he’s not got a partner or any other children), they’ve been good to their word and I appreciate it massively.

Most of all, just be present and let them feel their feelings.

Go round with something, food perhaps, especially freezable food. Then you can play it by ear, if she seems to want you to stay then you can, if she doesn’t then it doesn’t look like/is not a wasted journey.

When my dp died suddenly I really appreciated the people who turned up, both physically in terms of visiting, and emotionally in the sense of regularly checking in, remembering difficult days and anniversaries, and so on, even when I wasn't great at replying. You'd be surprised how many people disappear from your life when something like this happens, so just continuing to be there counts for a lot. As time went on I appreciated people arranging days or meals out for us because it was a long time before I could think straight enough to plan anything. I'm a year in and I still very much feel I'm in the thick of grieving; it's a very long process, so be willing to be in it for the long term.

She will really appreciate that you are there for her x
Heartbreaking but she needs her friends xxx

So awfully sad for your friend and her family. Are you close to her other children? Are there things they might need support with like attending hobbies? Those kind of practical things can be helpful or even ironing or tidying or washing laundry if it doesn’t feel intrusive.
Im glad you’re going on Friday and taking some food- baking and cooking for them is lovely and maybe take biscuits too so she has something to offer the numerous visitors who may descend.

She may not be able to talk on the phone and may feel bad that any face to face is so emotional.
Her being able to pour it all out over text to you might be something you could facilitate.

And, quite possibly forever, remember to be extra supportive and forgiving around anniversaries like his birthday, death, and funeral.
Offer any help you can for the funeral.

So sorry for your friend's loss. I imagine a thoughtfully worded card or letter would mean a lot at this awful time.