Friends bereavement behaviour

[oldstudentmum]

Background friends parent went NC with them and their siblings many years ago over a petty thing which did not involve my friend. The parent has not been in contact for over five maybe six years.
Prior to death of said parent over the years they have spoken of their upbringing, being lookafter by relatives and possible abuse from a member of family. All very unpleasant. I witnessed the treatment of my friend by her mother, her mother used her like an employee, their relationship was a one way transaction. I think my friend felt very rejected, she does have anxiety and is a people pleaser to her detriment.
Anyway the parent died omg friend has done a 180 it’s like the parent was a saint. They have spent almost over £1500 on a memorial. It was from money saved for Christmas and to pay a important debt off. They have also paid to visit a medium.
Im staying silent on the savings and medium. They have been advised to see a councillor I can only hope they will before they totally go down the rabbit hole.

I suppose is there anything else they could do or why they have acted this way.

grief makes people act completely different

It must in many ways be harder to grieve a shit parent than a good one - you're grieving what should've been as much as the person themselves.

I'd just nod and smile and encourage the counsellor, I'm sure your friend will get there in time.

Your friend is grieving the parent that should have been, not the one they lost. Encourage them to keep talking. They need to grieve in their own way but not in a direction that is unhealthy.

They are mourning their mum,some people do even when the parents is abusive. They are also mourning for the parent they never had and the lost chance of reconciliation, an apology,being loved by their mum, having the mum they wanted and needed rather than the one they had. Probably what the medium is about. Trying to artificially forge a connection where there wasn't one, hearing they are loved or forgiven or whatever. Yes it would all be fake , but it is what it is. Therapy is the best way forward.

I think it’s unkind coming on here and judging your friend for her reaction to her grief, especially when you saw first hand the relationship she had with her parent. How would she feel if she recognises herself on here or if somebody else recognises her from the details you’ve posted? Information such as the potential abuse from a family member isn’t really yours to post on the internet as a bit of gossip.

There is no right or wrong way to deal with grief and bereavement. Her feelings will obviously be very complex especially if there was unresolved conflict and a history of abuse. Regardless of that your parents are still your parents and their death can throw up all sorts of feelings but it’s not really your business to speculate it publicly.

If you want to help and understand your friend talk to her, offer support and be there for her privately. Sharing her private background online for your own speculation and inviting other people to judge her is really not supportive and does not reflect well on you.

I’ve read many times that grief can be so much harder when their parent wasn’t good.

Just be there for her and say you will be there for her. Support her with counselling. You can’t do much else. This will take her some time.

Don't judge people while they are grieving for gods sake 🙄 Despite being nc , your friend probably loved her mother and is hit hard by by memories of what should have been.
Show her understanding and support.

However badly abused a child is they continue to love their parent. Knowing nothing can be resolved and it's final may have made your friend behave this way Just support them. Don't judge.

I’m glad that she mentioned counselling it’s what her doctor said, I hope she agrees to do it. She also NEEDS to do the freedom programme, I have been suggesting it for a long time. She used to be a strong willed person slowly this person has been eroded by so called family very toxic. I think perhaps the parent had narcissistic traits had a favourite etc. it’s very hard staying silent when you just want to say look I saw your parent they didn’t ask about you I will never tell her the things I saw wrote on a Facebook post.
Grief is such a strange spectrum of emotion. A rollercoaster in the dark.

Thanks for your words it was as I expected grieving the parent she should have had. Hopefully she will come out stronger in the end after counselling.
By the way for others she doesn’t use this platform or social media in general I needed to understand as myself if someone was horrible to u when alive they don’t deserve your head and heart when they have died.

Regardless of what their relationship was like - losing a parent hits you like a sledgehammer. If the relationship was difficult you have all the added emotions of regret and guilt.

She needs you to be there for her. Non judgmental and supportive. She will come out the other side but it takes time.

Even people that recognise and accept who their parents were/are can still struggle when that parent passes. Even more so people that still hold on to hop.