Hit the wall

[theluckiest]

Mum died suddenly in July. People on here were absolutely amazing and kept me going over the few days she was dying.

Ive been OK. Until now. Kept busy, thrown myself into work, just kept going. Friends and colleagues have been wonderful and some have commented about how well I'm doing.

But I'm not. Friday, I just kept crying at work. If anyone even looked my way, I couldn't hold it. I'm snappy. I think I'm just exhausted.

I don't know what to do. I just want to feel like myself again

Sorry - didn't actually ask a question!!

Does anyone else feel like this? That they felt completely together then fell apart some time after the death of a loved one?

Oh definitely. My mum died suddenly when I was 18 and for many years it would suddenly hit me. But yours is so recent I'm not surprised it's happening to you. There is no right or wrong on how to grieve and everyone's different. You mustn't start asking if it's right or wrong or why it's happening. You lost someone very dear to you is all you need to remember. Hugs 💕

Also you really do need to take time out to grieve. It doesn't always help to keep busy all the time. I read a book from the library on grief and it really helped me. Cant remember the name but it's worth reading one

Thank you @Funkyslippers.
I will def have a look at books on grief.
It's funny, my DDad is hitting the wall at the same time. He too kept himself going and it's only now he's starting to (outwardly anyway) come unstuck

I did wonder about grief counselling. Has anyone done this? Was it worthwhile?

I’m so sorry for your loss @theluckiest. grief is difficult and complicated and absolutely exhausting. Grief has presented itself in myriad ways for me. I am not a crier and not very comfortable talking about my feelings in depth so I bottled a lot of stuff up. It manifested itself through my physical health.

In the two years after my parents died, I visited the GP more times than I had in the previous 20 years! I had digestive problems, brain fog, heartburn, sinus problems… There was never a physical cause for any of it and in the end I put it all down to grief and stress.

The sheer exhaustion and brain fog was relentless. I sometimes felt like I wasn’t really here at all and often wondered if I was going mad.

I had bereavement counselling provided by a local hospice, and it was very helpful. I think the general advice is to wait around 3 months after a loss before starting counselling, to allow the brain time to process and get through those early weeks and months where a lot of people are on autopilot or the grief hasn’t really hit yet. I found the session really helpful and would recommended trying it.

I’m trying to attach a diagram about grief which has always made sense to me. Don’t seem to be able to do it at the moment but will keep trying.

Here’s the diagram I like:

It's a long process. My dad died very very suddenly. Once the shock had worn off, funeral past etc and we went back to our lives it was very hard. Now 6 years later I still get moments when I miss him so much and get all teary. As someone said (can't remember who!) grief is the price you pay for love . It will take time to not cry all the time about it (it did for me at least). Try to focus on all the happy times. Sorry no words of wisdom- it's HARD!

So true @belge2. It is 9 years this week since my Mum died and I suddenly missed her very acutely yesterday because I was tired and had toothache. I think I reverted to a childlike mode where I just wanted my Mum.

I like ‘grief is the price we pay for love’ and in a similar vein: ‘When I turned to face grief, I saw that it was just love in a heavy coat’.

@theluckiest I am on a similar time line to you in relation to the death of my mother. I identify with your post totallly.

This graph of a time line following a traumatic event or loss was helpful to me so posting in case it helps you or anyone else with us in the same place.

Two important things to bear in mind are that the downward curve is normal - the crisis lowest point often occurs 6 - 8 months (these time lines aren't precise obviously and differ for different people) and that the end of it all being well is something upward whether that is acceptance, letting go or transformation.

Condolences. Death is evil and its a bad place to be bereaved. It hurts so much.

www.eoslifework.co.uk/Images/fut1.gif

Hi, Sorry for the loss of your mum. My dad died in July too and I feel the same. The last couple of weeks have been so hard and I keep breaking down too. People say grief is like waves don’t they? I think the realisation that this is life now is sinking in and it’s hard isn’t it? xx

I'm sorry for your loss and that the feelings have suddenly caught up with you.
I feel similarly having lost Dad in Feb 21 to Covid, my Mother in March this year and then my beloved Auntie in June.

I feel like I've been chased by a boulder of grief these last few months and then 10 days ago it caught up with me and flattened me. Not been in a good place and have now sought help from my GP.

It's just so unpredictable isn't it? You definitely need to allow yourself time to wallow but also try and find something you enjoy doing at least once a day to give you some focus.

I hope things improve for us all soon.

I just wanted to say same here, my mum died in January and then my dad in September. I’ve been holding it all together since last Christmas when mum went into hospital. This week it’s all come apart and I’ve had to take a week off to cry - fed up of putting on a brave face. I’m so sad and the one I want to tell most is my mum. Take care of yourselves, this really sucks.

@VaseFlowerWater thanks for that diagram. It makes me feel better. My dad died two weeks ago. Weirdly for the first three days I carried on busily almost as normal. I started funeral planning and death admin energetically as if they were just another set of chores. Four days in and a great blanket of grief descended and right now I am finding it hard to function and am crying a lot. I feel bad that I apparently had few feelings at first and want to explain my behaviour to people who were with me then, it must have seemed odd to them.

It actually really reminds me of giving birth in that it takes a few days to even start to process the reality of what has happened.

OP, be kind to yourself. Grief ebbs and flows.

Someone described it to me as a big ball and your grief is a button on one of the walls. Every time the button is hit you feel overwhelming loss/teary etc. As the years go by your box gets bigger so the ball doesn't hit the button as often... but when it does you're still affected in the same way.

I have days when I feel I'm OK followed the very next day by crying unexpectedly in awkward moments. I have only just started being able to talk about it without tears (sibling and parent 2 yrs) It still feels recent and I think covid made it worse. We were separated during lockdown. I feel robbed of that time. I can't think of politicians partying whilst I and they were separated without feeling murderous

Thank you for posting this.

I had a double bereavement earlier this year, suddenly and unexpectedly. The grief of the early days was suffocating, then I coasted along for a couple of months not really feeling anything, and then suddenly this week I feel as bad again as I did in the first weeks, and I didn’t know why. Well, other than the obvious that my heart is broken…

But it’s a little comfort to know it’s part of the process. Sending to you all and wishing that the next waves are smaller for us all.