Children visiting dying grandparent

[IndigoNZ1]

My Dad is in hospital and doesn’t have long left. We’re rushing from another country to get there in time. My (quite mature, thoughtful) 6 year old wants to see his Grandpa one last time while he’s still alive (although we’ve told him he’s sleeping (sedated) and won’t be able to talk to him or smile at him etc. I think he also has tubes and an oxygen mask etc.) Is this a good idea (e.g. will he always regret it if he doesn’t) or will it just leave him with an awful memory forever, rather than nice memories of his Grandpa alive? I also have a 3 year old who doesn’t really understand what’s going on but will be confused/upset if his brother gets to see Grandpa and he doesn’t. What should I do?

I let my daughter see my mum in intensive care at 9 she is in her teens now and it still haunts her. I wish I had just left her with her lovely memories.
You have to do what is right for you and your family however. Maybe tell him they don't allow children.
Sending huge Hugs

My DD was around 5 when my step-died died. ( in my life for 40 years) He was in intensive care for a few days before his transfer to a hospice where he died. She saw him at the start when he looked very much like himself although unconscious. We had a little chat with him and she and her cousin held his hand ( may have given him a kiss but I can’t remember). There was no conversation with her about being the last time she would see him although I probably knew it was. I wouldn’t have let her see him later on in the process because his appearance changed and it was a bit more alarming. So my answer would depend on that I think for both children. You can make it OK by chatting to your Dad and all telling him you love him etc. Death is part of the human condition and part of our lives as family members but we seem to have separated ourselves from it. Good luck for the coming days OP… it’s really tough.

I last saw my granddad in hospital when I was 8 and despite saying that’s what I wanted, it wasn’t a good idea. If he’s been able to talk and say good bye maybe but he was pretty out of it and clearly very ill. Wish my mum had just said that children aren’t allowed (I wouldn’t have taken a ‘you’re too young’ very well, even though I was).

Are you able to take them but with another relative who can take the children out if it gets too upsetting for them? Or you can go in first to see how he is before deciding whether or not to allow the children to see him?

It's hard. I lost a sibling when my DC were similar ages and I wish my DC had seen them closer to the end, but with lockdow it wasn't always possible. My kids also say them when they were still comparatively quite well (but still looked ill) and in some ways I'm glad they saw them like that.

If he’s in ICU then I would say no.

ICU is not for the faint hearted, even some adults find it incredibly distressing.

I absolutely wouldn’t take a small child in there. Maybe get her to record him a message which you can play for him?

I would only take them if the relative was still aware of what was happening and able to say goodbye and talk to them a bit.

There is no need to risk upsetting your kids at that stage by forcing them to see a dying person who is totally unaware of their surroundings and unable to communicate with them. What would this achieve?

Well the OP isn’t good talking about forcing she’s talking about allowing. Her 6 year old has a relationship with his grandpa which is his own. It’s not insignificant. Why does anyone want to go and see someone before they die? maybe because they have things they want to say to them while they’re still alive. I’d definitely go and see your dad first before deciding.

My 3 DC 11, 9 & 7 at the time, saw my DF in the minutes before he passed away. He sadly had not had a peaceful last few days but was sedated & peaceful when they saw him.

They wanted to do it, I explained he didn't really look like Grandad & they might find it hard.

They were upset, and didn't want to stay long, but I felt it important to respect their wishes.

I don't think there's anything wrong with your 6 yo being upset afterwards - sometimes in life, even as children, we want & need to do things that are hard.

I would keep it brief, talk him through it & move him out if it's too upsetting.

While my DC say they didn't like seeing their Grandad like that, they also were very glad they got to say goodbye (he died about 15 minutes later, unexpectedly in the end)

I’d definitely go and see your dad first before deciding.

Good advice.

I didn't let my DC come in the day before as my poor dad was in great distress and it would have been too much.

They'd seen him most days up to that (he'd become unwell when we were all on holidays together)

I don’t know, kids are very resilient and I’ve seen kids loving visiting elderly relatives (im hospice, not ICU) - when grownups around find it hard, kids process it differently - they just see the older relative having a nap or relaxing in bed (have see it with younger cousins and my own DD)
now ICU is a different place, and only you know your kid, is your kid very sensitive and will be upset? Is your kid very mature and will appreciate saying bye? Is your younger still really innocent that will not have bad connections?

It is difficult to decide. My OH died two years ago and all my GC did see him when he was dying and unconscious, But they had been with him on the long journey that preceded that stage. They were in and out when he was in need of care and would go and chat to him, take him cups of tea, play on his room etc. So seeing him at the end was not a shock - they had been part of the process that led up to his death and it was all treated in a matter-of-fact way.

They were with him a day before he died and indeed wanted their photo taken with him - which seemed a bit strange to me, but it was all part of normal life.

I am not aware that any were traumatised by all this - the youngest was 5 at the time. They still visit his grave and make little things to put on it.

If he had not had a slow decline that they were a part of I think I might have felt differently about it. It might be harder to have your last memory of him up and about and normal and then to suddenly see him in such a bad state.

If he's in ICU I'd say definitely not. I've had to see two relatives there and as a grown woman in her 60s it still freaked me out. Both recovered and I still can't square these active and now well people with the unconscious bodies in those beds.

I'm generally all for being open with children, but those ICU visits really affected me.

Even an oxygen mask dehumanises someone, especially if they're unconscious.

You'll get people saying "kids are so resilient" I'm really not so sure that they are. I saw my grandmother on her death bed when I was 10 and I had nightmares for years.

It's a hard one. We didn't take my then 7 year old in to my dad, but she has always said she wanted to see him. He died while we were there and she was in the waiting room though, so I think we did the right thing. You can tell them that children aren't allowed in. Maybe take a photo so they have the opportunity later? I don't know if that's weird?

Thanks everyone for your advice. In the end, we found out my Dad had died just as we were on the plane waiting to take off, so none of us got the chance to see him. Still not sure if that was a blessing for me or not…

I'm so sorry @IndigoNZ1 . My condolences. It must be so hard when you're a flight away.

Oh I’m really sorry x

@IndigoNZ1 so sorry 😞

I'm very sorry OP. That's really hard 💐

Thinking of you.

So sorry to hear that Indigo. Thinking of you.