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Original poster

Planning DH's funeral

18 replies

MumofSpud · 08/10/2022 04:10

My lovely DH died this week, yesterday we went to the funeral director's (they were lovely)
But I am worried that I'll miss sth
Any tips?
No experience of planning funerals
Of course we didn't talk about it
The stress of choosing the 'right' songs
DH's parents came - I wanted them to be involved and so did the DD (27) and DS (24)
All the questions/ decisions and the one person to talk to about it isn't here Sad
Scared of 'doing it wrong'

OP posts:
FiveShelties · 08/10/2022 04:28

I am so sorry about your DH, this must be a really stressful time for you. I would not worry about doing it wrong, just do what feels right to you and your family.

When my Dad died I just tried to keep things simple, and it was fine. It was the first funeral I had organised; I found the funeral directors to be a huge help and asked probably hundreds of questions.

Don't forget to take care of yourself.

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 08/10/2022 04:28

Sorry for your loss, I did see your thread about your dh. I imagine you’re still in shock now. Have a think about things your dh liked. Are you religious? Lots of guidance online with suggestions for readings, songs etc. See what ideas the rest of the family have. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way really.

I quite like the look of this one: dying.lovetoknow.com/burial-cremation/funeral-planning-checklist

Original poster
MumofSpud · 08/10/2022 04:44

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 08/10/2022 04:28

Sorry for your loss, I did see your thread about your dh. I imagine you’re still in shock now. Have a think about things your dh liked. Are you religious? Lots of guidance online with suggestions for readings, songs etc. See what ideas the rest of the family have. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way really.

I quite like the look of this one: dying.lovetoknow.com/burial-cremation/funeral-planning-checklist

Thanks for the link - I thought it was time to get myself over to this board!

OP posts:
Original poster
MumofSpud · 08/10/2022 04:44

FiveShelties · 08/10/2022 04:28

I am so sorry about your DH, this must be a really stressful time for you. I would not worry about doing it wrong, just do what feels right to you and your family.

When my Dad died I just tried to keep things simple, and it was fine. It was the first funeral I had organised; I found the funeral directors to be a huge help and asked probably hundreds of questions.

Don't forget to take care of yourself.

How Funeral Directors do it I don't know!

OP posts:
MrsMorton · 09/10/2022 16:55

Agree funeral directors and celebrants are brilliant at helping and making sure you don't miss anything. I'm so sorry for your loss @MumofSpud

KangarooKenny · 09/10/2022 17:40

If he didn’t leave any instructions, he obviously trusted you to do it for him, so choose what you think is right. Maybe a hymn from your wedding.

GrumpyPanda · 09/10/2022 17:48

Funeral directors should be extremely helpful with all aspects of the service. What you won't be able to outsource is guests. Think about getting family to help out with this. Who will want to attend/should be notified? Do you have address lists for everybody? Is there a subset of guests you'll want to invite to a private meal or reception? Once you have different sets of lists the funeral home can help with printing and posting.

Wishing you all the strength. We just lost my dad earlier this year, it's grueling.

mumof2many1943 · 10/10/2022 11:04

My lovely DH who died in July had stated he paid for a pure cremation and to give the money saved to the homeless or the local food bank. I have done the same. Not everyone’s choice.
Good luck and stay strong wish I could say it gets better ❤️

serin · 12/10/2022 08:23

So sorry for your loss OP.

I have recently planned a funeral and was surprised at the amount of help we received from the funeral directors. They took a lot of responsibility and made arrangements with the Church on our behalf. They were great.

I absolutely wasn't in a place to start liaising with reception venues and caterers so we made things easy by booking a local (nice) pub, that holds funeral wakes regularly and was able to sort everything.

My advice would be to accept all offers of help, people want to support you and to feel that they are also included

Thinking of you.

bouncydog · 12/10/2022 21:48

I’m so sorry for your devastating loss. We lost my brother last year very suddenly. Funeral directors were helpful with practical things but the best advice I can give is to make it about your DH and what you think he would have wanted rather than what others think you should have. In the end we opted for a celebrant and a celebration of his life.

We had no hymns because he wasn’t religious but we had music he enjoyed including Dire Straits brothers in arms as it was his favourite song. His friends put together a wonderful selection of photos that were played out on a screen and the celebrant spoke to lots of friends and family about him giving an insight into his life. It wasn’t what the funeral directors suggested we had but we’re sure it was what he would have wanted. Everything was held at a local venue which was originally a Christian retreat so had a very peaceful atmosphere but not as overbearing as a church.

Enlist the help of people - everyone we asked to help was very willing to do what they could, which made the whole process much easier than trying to do it all yourself. I’m sure your DH would have loved your tribute to him, whatever you decide.

BloodyMabel · 15/10/2022 22:20

So sorry for your loss.
The best advice I got was there’s no rush, once they’re with a funeral director they’ll take care of them until you’re ready.
Just take your time so you can think what he’d want and it’ll come.

CocoFifi · 19/10/2022 08:44

Sorry for your loss. I was widowed, a few years ago, at a young age. I had all the same feelings. The undertakers guided me through. Try not to overthink it. you may not have discussed things, but you will have known your husband well enough to make the right decision, probably without realising it.

ThunderstomsAreComing · 19/10/2022 19:04

It's a hard time - the mistake we made with my dad was going with a humanist celebrant (at the suggestion of the funeral director) - my mother didn't want a "religious" service (ie any particular religion, she'd fallen out with catholicism!) - but the humanists are not allowed to have anything spiritual or mentioning God - so we couldn't have some readings we liked or his favourite hymn.

If we'd know what we were doing we would have had a "spiritual" celebrant who was not attached to any particular denomination.

Make sure you can have the kind of service that you want.

Original poster
MumofSpud · 22/10/2022 16:26

bouncydog · 12/10/2022 21:48

I’m so sorry for your devastating loss. We lost my brother last year very suddenly. Funeral directors were helpful with practical things but the best advice I can give is to make it about your DH and what you think he would have wanted rather than what others think you should have. In the end we opted for a celebrant and a celebration of his life.

We had no hymns because he wasn’t religious but we had music he enjoyed including Dire Straits brothers in arms as it was his favourite song. His friends put together a wonderful selection of photos that were played out on a screen and the celebrant spoke to lots of friends and family about him giving an insight into his life. It wasn’t what the funeral directors suggested we had but we’re sure it was what he would have wanted. Everything was held at a local venue which was originally a Christian retreat so had a very peaceful atmosphere but not as overbearing as a church.

Enlist the help of people - everyone we asked to help was very willing to do what they could, which made the whole process much easier than trying to do it all yourself. I’m sure your DH would have loved your tribute to him, whatever you decide.

That sounds as it was lovely and personal

We had no hymns at our wedding (just the 2 of us in Vegas! And too much gin consumed before so wouldn't have remembered anyhow)

But I have chosen 4 songs - me and the DC went through his Spotify!

OP posts:
Original poster
MumofSpud · 22/10/2022 16:26

CocoFifi · 19/10/2022 08:44

Sorry for your loss. I was widowed, a few years ago, at a young age. I had all the same feelings. The undertakers guided me through. Try not to overthink it. you may not have discussed things, but you will have known your husband well enough to make the right decision, probably without realising it.

Absolutely! Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
MumofSpud · 25/10/2022 07:47

Update: It was ok!
As ok as a funeral of a 49 year old can be; incredibly sad but also lovelySad
The Father made it really personal - you wouldn't have guessed that he had never met him!
The songs we chose felt spot on
Meeting his workmates was good - putting faces to the names / stories.
I had to have a bit of a chuckle at one point and think of what Mumsnetters would say when out of all the work people who turned up (30?40?) I recognised all the names except for one ... a woman who DH has worked with maybe 15 years ago. My mind went a bit into a suspicious overdrive as I don't remember him mentioning her name....

OP posts:
lollipoprainbow · 25/10/2022 10:12

@MumofSpud glad it all went ok it was my mums yesterday too, it was beautiful and so perfect for her.

ThunderstomsAreComing · 28/10/2022 09:20

MumofSpud · 25/10/2022 07:47

Update: It was ok!
As ok as a funeral of a 49 year old can be; incredibly sad but also lovelySad
The Father made it really personal - you wouldn't have guessed that he had never met him!
The songs we chose felt spot on
Meeting his workmates was good - putting faces to the names / stories.
I had to have a bit of a chuckle at one point and think of what Mumsnetters would say when out of all the work people who turned up (30?40?) I recognised all the names except for one ... a woman who DH has worked with maybe 15 years ago. My mind went a bit into a suspicious overdrive as I don't remember him mentioning her name....

I'm glad it gave you a chuckle @MumofSpud and that it went well.

If it helps I suspect the woman might have been there because your DH did or said something kind all those years ago that had a major impact on her life which he wasn't aware of.

I had an email out of the blue a few years ago from someone who asked "are you the thunderstorm who used to work at x? I'm Y and was a junior there in 1982" tbh I only just about remembered her name - but it seems I'd encouraged her to get more qualifications and she'd gone on to a new career and that had been a pivotal moment, she wanted to thank me.

Well I encouraged all of them to get more qualifications, it was part of my role, so nothing noteworthy from my POV, but for her it had a significance.

We never know who we affect positively just doing our jobs, it's quite likely to be something like that and she wanted to mark his passing. Quite honestly if that many workmates turned up at his funeral he must have been a valued colleague.

Much love to you as you deal with the coming weeks and months.

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