Grief and inability to do anything/procrastination: is it a thing?

[VaseWaterFlower]

My lovely mother who was my best and closest friend died recently. I have always had a tendency towards procrastination but now it seems deeply embedded in me and chronic.

I feel almost paralised. Like things I need to do, I just can't face or manage. I can't seem to start or achieve anything.

I have a 100 things to do - related to probate, finances, other domestic stuff and although I have 30 mins uninterrupted I can't seem to begin. Some of these things concern death which I understand why I'd delay or want to avoid but many many of them don't.

Yet I find myself here reading other threads, avoiding what I should be doing.

Does anyone recognise this? Is it related to grief? How long does it last.

I haven't experienced that kind of grief but it does sound like depression.... my advice would be to contact your doctor to speak about it, if you want some help.

My condolences 💐 💐

Thanks @grey12 I hadn't thought about depression.

Is that a feature of depression then being unable to do things? I'm very very sad all of the time.

I’m so sorry that you’ve lost your mum - you’ll be in the deepest stages of grief and the moment, and I know how difficult it is. There are just no words

I remember feeling absolutely numb and almost frozen by it all, and the thought of doing anything was just too much. There’s just no standard length of time to feel this way - everyone is different, and you just kind of have to go with the flow and let yourself grieve in the way that’s right for you. Depression also makes you feel like that (again, personal experience) and the two experiences are very similar in that they will take you to your absolute lowest point. It might be worth speaking to your GP to see if antidepressants might help get you through the worst stages.

It will get easier, but my god, it’s awful going through it. Take care of yourself, don’t force yourself to do anything, and give yourself as much time as you need.

@SirChenjins it is awful you are right. I have spoken to the GP earlier who directed me too bereavement counselling but there is a looong wait where I am.

I really don't want to start taking anti-depressants because I fear getting addicted but also I don't want to "park" my grief under anti-depressants because it is so horrific. I have other personal issues going on at the moment putting me under great strain separately and I'm already worried that I am hiding my grief under these - by worrying about them.

It's just I can't seem to achieve anything. I sat down at my computer at 3.30 with three very specific tasks to do. I've done none of them and have just been hanging round here.

& I can't seem to stop. Sigh.

Yes, it happens. It's normal. It can be a stage of grieving and it can be depression. Some people throw themselves into a frenzy of activity and others get frozen and incapable of making even the simplest decision (tea or coffee? I don't know; I can't choose.

Antidepressants may help but take a while to kick in. Talking may help - is there a bereavement counselling service in your area? Otherwise just be kind to yourself and allow yourself time.

There are hundreds of things you "should" be doing but in fact very few of them are time-critical. As long as you have registered the death, other things (probate, other domestic stuff) can wait, at least for a few months. I couldn't cope with things following my parent's death and it took almost two years to get grant of probate and deal with the bequests etc. Most people were understanding. One wasn't and hassled me constantly. (He wasn't remotely short of money, just greedy.) I am writing that person out of my own will.

Go to your GP, get a diagnosis of depression. Use that to inform anyone who may be hassling you. "I am suffering from depression. I can't deal with this right now due to my illness. I will contact you when I am able to face it / feel free to contact me again in x months time when I hope I will be better able to deal with it."

I can completely understand your reluctance to take them, it’s a difficult decision to make. I found they helped me sleep which made a massive difference and just ‘lifted’ me a bit so that I could help think more clearly, rather than hiding me under anything - but it’s very much a personal decision and one that has to feel right for you. Have you thought about contacting a support group like Cruse or Sue Ryder? There are online counsellors as well, but there’s a cost for them unfortunately.

Do these tasks absolutely have to be done today or could you spread them out over a few days? Could you break them down into much smaller chunks? 3 is a lot to do in one go when you’re not feeling up to it.

Thanks @SirChenjins and @that1970shouse

I have been referred to Cruse and bereavement counselling. I'm on the waiting list but can't been seen for several months in this area so I'll have to just wait.

one of the tasks is something I have to do today due to a deadline but it a big job. The other two are small and one of them is ordering something online for someone else.

I'm still here -now getting on for 1 and a half hours since I logged on with good intentions. I feel sick becuase I know I'm delaying.

Is there anyone there you could delegate some of the work to? Could the big task perhaps be broken down a bit, and spread out over the evening with breaks in between? I know where you’re coming from though - in my case a combination of the menopause, depression and grief meant I hardly got anything done, but the world kept turning regardless and I think if you’re honest with people and say no, I can’t do that at the moment because x, y and z people do understand 😊

I've just completed the big task with the deadline so that's a relief.
at least one thing done today. honestly I spend almost all of my time feeling sick about the various things I haven't done.

Can anyone help you? When my dad died I felt like…well I can’t describe it. I have helped a couple of people with probate since then as it’s pretty awful having to do stuff in that condition. Every bone in my body hurt for weeks.

Honestly, don’t feel sick about the things you haven’t done - there’s very little that can’t wait and you’re just not in the right place right now. If you’d broken your leg you wouldn’t be able to walk at the moment - think of thing in the same way, you are limited emotionally and mentally as to what you can achieve right now. Give yourself time, you’ll get there but it may take weeks, months, or even longer, and that’s absolutely fine.

Well done - that's a huge achievement. The other two things can wait for another day. Give yourself a big pat on the back. You thought it was a big thing and you've done it. Praise yourself for what you have done and don't beat yourself up over the things you haven't.

Taking action to wind up their affairs means that your loved one isn't coming back. Even clearing out mum's sock drawer seemed wrong. 'What if she comes back and there's no socks for her?'

@VaseWaterFlower I am so sorry for your loss.

I completely relate to this.

I lost my Dad 10 weeks ago and in those early days getting a shower was an achievement for me. Then when I managed a shower, I would sit for hours in a towel before I could achieve the next step, which would be putting moisturiser on, then another hour would pass before I could even dry my hair. Normally, i could be ready in an hour (when having to dry & straighten hair) I could barely do anything.

My advice is to take baby steps. Write a list of things you need to do and what days you will do them in. Take it slow, as slow as you need. Just do what you need to do to get through each day.

I'm only 10 weeks in but things are getting easier for me in the sense of it doesn't take me hours on end to get ready anymore and I can make my way through my to do list. I still have days where I struggle and I have to force myself. I still very much lack energy & motivation.

Take care of yourself and just give yourself the time and space you need to grieve.

Yes, this is grief. My situation very similar except my mum died a year ago this week. I go through phases of being weirdly “locked up” unable to tackle activities that seemingly have nothing to do with mum’s death as well as those that do. And I’ve become addicted to mumsnet, I think that part is me missing my mum’s companionship and it’s an easy way to get that “gossip” fix - whether it is recipe recommendations, or a gardening problem, or a story where I read funny or sympathetic voices that I guess deep down remind me of the kind of conversations I had with mum multiple times a day.

I can tell you that a year later it is still a struggle. I go through phases of being absolutely incompetent, ignoring things that need attention and then getting in a real froth because I feel so overwhelmed and unsupported and just drowning.

The admin after someone dies seems endless. I am looking after mum’s house and still haven’t got it ready to sell, although nearly there. I remember about 6 months ago I went into mum’s house after a busy time at work and there was a heap of mail on the mat, and I slammed the door, looked at the mail and said very sternly, “look I’m sure I’ve told you all a hundred times, she is dead and not coming back please just stop bloody sending letters!” And then falling on the sofa in a mildly hysterical heap.

I don’t want to deal with any of it, but since my useless brother and my useless husband have left it entirely to me, I’m dealing with it. One painful letter, phone call, and box of stuff at a time.

I don’t know about you but i have another problem which is my DH - aka “The Minimiser”. Four weeks after mum's death he told me: “you need 3 heaps - keep, recycle/charity/sell, chuck.” Terrible advice. It’s an entire house I am clearing, and can’t be turned into three heaps. And by the way, recycle/sell/chuck is AT LEAST 8 heaps because the household recycling centre needs waste separated.

So I’m taking my time. I go through little flurries of getting stuff done, and actually that usually feels a bit of a relief after I’ve got over whatever negative emotion it brought (guilt, nightmares, insomnia, floods of tears, irrational anger, flashbacks to mum’s death, and that empty feeling of longing that I am mostly filled up with.

Every step is worth taking. If you sat down for 3 hours to start a task - well hey you sat down to attempt it.That was a positive.

I usually try to promise myself a reward afterwards. A walk in the sun. A drive to the supermarket to buy some fresh fruit. Some time with my kids where I play games and remember my mum would NOT want me to be sad. And she’d say “oh sod the admin, it can wait” (even if it can’t wait) and make me tea and distract me.

I honestly think I need help but like you I’m not going to get it, so I’m going to push through on my own. It is very hard isn’t it.

It’s completely normal. I’m really sorry your going through this. It’s indescribable. Expect as little of yourself as possible right now and do only what absolutely has to be done. I feel we are under a lot of pressure to ‘get on’ with life which is totally unrealistic after such a huge loss and the adjustment you have to made without someone so important in your life. If anyone told me to describe what it felt like when my mum died, I don’t think I’d have known where to start. It takes time to begin to carry the loss around with you a little easier. But it will gradually go from being at the forefront of your mind 24/7 to a more manageable level. It’s something you can prepare for, or practice. It’s a completely understandable response to feel as you do. Take care of yourself as much as you can. Whatever you are able to do, counts as a win right now.

It’s something you can’t prepare for I meant,

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Your post resonates with me: I lost my dad 6 weeks ago - and the whole thing just feels surreal. My dad died on the Friday, I was back at work on the Monday - got promoted the same week and immediately started my new job with a new team and manager (and away from the only colleagues who knew what had happened). At work I'm seen as happy, full of boundless energy and super efficient.

Outside work I can't seem to do anything at all - can't make decisions even over the most basic of things, have to remind myself to eat and do basic tasks - and I am avoiding answering the phone to any friends and family. I'm tired a lot but then not really sleeping: everything outside work just seems so overwhelming.

It's weird - I don't feel sad - I actually don't really feel anything except some increasing anxiety about avoiding all the things I have to do. I couldn't even say that I feel numb - I just feel 'wrong' - it really is indescribable.

I keep thinking about why I went back to work so quickly - and realize it was because no-one told me not to: which now feels a bit ridiculous. But that seems to be where my brain is at.

I can't really offer any advice but I do want to say that I empathize and sympathize - and found some relief in this thread in that I am not alone in being stuck in procrastination world (if that makes sense).

I’m several years in and it’s completely normal. Grief is not the same as depression so anti depressants are not really very helpful.
Just starting a very small part of a task is enough. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you for your replies and my love and condolences to all who have suffered bereavement.It really is horrific.

It is good to know this is normal though and I'm not the only one. For what it's worth, I still haven't done the other two things that I needed to do the day I posted. I'm still one out of three.

@MrsMinted parts of your post really resonated with me sadly especially about the "useless" ones! I fear that I too may become addicted to mumsnet. It's a distraction from the black future I don't want to look at too closely because I don't want to live in a world for years and years without my mother. I mentally try to take little glimpses - like writing this - because I feel like I'm still in denial and frightened that if I don't address it now when/if my father dies (touch wood) it will all be too much for me and I may become suicidal.

I read something recently where Deborarh James' mother said as time went on it was getting harder because it was longer since she'd see her daughter which really got to me. {welling up now just writing this}. I keep thinking of this.

@TitoTipples it does feel surreal and part of that is shock. Shock apparently is a normal reaction that is the body's way of allowing you too keep functioning during this time. You have a dose of hormones that numbs you (whether you actually feel 'numb' or not its that that is happening ) - the surreal feeling - that enables you to carry on while you adjust to the death.

I have no idea whether going back to work was a good idea or bad idea for you. On the one hand from what I've read some people find being busy helps on the other hand, it could be too soon and you may benefit from a bit of time to process and grieve privately.

Thank you for writing this I can't really offer any advice but I do want to say that I empathize and sympathize - and found some relief in this thread in that I am not alone in being stuck in procrastination world (if that makes sense).

because it cheered me a little to know that you'd found some relief from me starting this thread and knowing I too and others were in this procrastination world. You definitely aren't alone as this thread shows and that made me feel a micron better too.