My son was born stillborn and my life has been turned upside down

[thefirstattempt]

Dear mums,

In february, my darling son was born sleeping and its broken my heart and is breaking my life. The best i can describe is feeling desperately alone in a cage whilst everyone stares in wondering what i will do. Its a very lonely and sad place to be.

My relationship with my partner has suffered. After our sons death, we really struggled to communicate and ended up seeing a relationship therapist. Whilst our communication improved, a suspicion widen on my partners very close relationship with his mother. I had often thought she was overly informed of our life but put it down to my partner having a child from a previous relationship and using that as a means to keep his mum involved.

However, since our son, i feel my most personal thoughts are shared with her and i feel my trust is being broken. Am i being unreasonable? For example, i specifically asked for him not to share news of a new job, he told me he didnt, she also told me he didnt but it transpires he did. Why would this need to be shared? As i said my mental health has diminished somewhat and i had some mental health support - again this was shared in too much detail to his mother. He bought her a wedding gift trinket saying 'i may have a wife but ill always be your little boy'.

My relationship with his mum has been broadly pleasant. Iv always been aware of their closeness but recently i feel as if my life is a series and she is waiting on the next episode (and he gives it.)

As i say, our relationship has taken a turn for the worst, i feel he is waiting for me to go back to the way things were before our son. He doesnt feel how i do and has never visited his grave alone.

Am i being sensitive? Or is this mother/son dynamic something others have experienced?

Xxx

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I lost my own darling son at 27 weeks into pregnancy, and it changes you forever. My DH just seemed to "get on with it" and showed very little emotion. And he didn't understand my deep sense of loss at all. I found that really tough.
I don't know if it's common? I found it made me look at him in a really different light, I must admit.

Go easy on yourself, you're very early days into this. I still get days many years on where it all just feels really raw, and there are times like my birthday, Christmas etc where I'm really conscious that one of us is missing. It does get easier, I promise. I miss my boy and I miss all the milestones we'd have shared, but I think that somewhere along the line, I gained acceptance too.

I am sorry for your loss. I'm dealing with parental bereavement but one of the things I have learnt is that simply because you have the same biological relationship to your loved one who died, doesn't really mean anything because everyone will have a different relationship to them and a different way of grieving.

So although both you and your partner are in the same situation in that your son has died, it doesn't follow that you will be experiencing the same grief in the same way - everyones grief is different.

I have read a lot about grief recently and saw something that said when a child dies, it can be particularly difficult because normally you'd expect your partner to support you through a bereavement, but because they are grieving too, in some cases it can cause distance.

It sounds like your husband is seeking his support from his mother. Someone said to me that when you are in a bereaved state you can make a lot of bad decisions and you need to make allowance for that. He is probably emotionally flailing around too, struggling for air - and maybe he is reaching to his mother. So when you say:

However, since our son, i feel my most personal thoughts are shared with her and i feel my trust is being broken. Am i being unreasonable? For example, i specifically asked for him not to share news of a new job, he told me he didnt, she also told me he didnt but it transpires he did. Why would this need to be shared? A

You aren't unreasonable to feel your trust is broken but you are unreasonable not to cut your husband some slack for his own decisions at this time because just like you he's not in his right mind.

That said, two other things:

first I'm not sure why you didn't want him to tell his mother about the new job - that sounds good news and not clear why you'd not want him to tell her? and

second, I was once told if you tell someone something and swear them to secrecy, if they are married you are totally fooling yourself they won't tell their husband or wife. You need to expect that a husband will tell their wife and vice versa. & you are wrong to try to drive an informational wedge into the relationship - if you don't want them both to know don't tell one.

I think to a degree the same thing can be said of a person who is close to their mother. In some ways, its unfair (subject to their relationship) for anyone to try to restrict communication in a close relationship particularly at a time of bereavement.

The one thing I have learnt is that you find the best comfort in grief from those in the same position as you - if you haven't already look for support groups for bereaved mothers and in additional to your relationship counselling, bereavement counselling just for you.

Death is an evil thing and every day is hard. My love and thoughts to you.