How to explain cremation to a 7 year old

[33goingon64]

My DM died a couple of weeks ago funeral is on Monday. DS1 is 11 so old enough to attend (he also wants to) but DS2 is only 7 and is going to have a sleepover with a friend instead (his choice). DS1 was nearly 9 when DF died and though he didn't attend funeral he understood what cremation was and wasn't upset about it. DS2 has no idea what happens to a body if it's not buried in a church yard so slightly worried about what to say to him. He is also more emotional generally than DS1. There must be a book about it! What have others said to a 7 year old?

My 5 year old has been asking a lot of questions about death recently, what happens to your body, skeletons etc.
I just answered honestly, some people want to be buried in the ground to rot and others burnt into ashes.
I really wouldn't over think it. Just say nanny wanted to be burnt into ashes and what you plan to do with the ashes.

Thanks for replying

I gave the same explanation as above and added that it's respectful and what the person chose.

Stick close to the truth
they heat it up till it turns to ash
ideally use the word burning but if you think dc too sensitive for this go with heat up

Firstly I'm sorry for your loss.

So I would start with the basics, for example "the body is turned into ash" and if DC asks how it is turned to ash, you could give a bit more information "fire turns the body into ash" and so on. This way you're not overloading their brain with a big chunk of information, but you're also not lying either. It will give their brain time to process each piece of information. I'd also reassure them that it is just the body, that it isn't really the person in there as the body is just the part left behind.

Great ideas, thanks

I'm so sorry for your loss. I would start with the point that when someone dies, it means their heart stops working and after that their body doesnt work any more. You can explain your DM doesn't need her body any more and she doesn't feel any pain. Being dead isnt like sleeping because the person isnt thinking or dreaming any more and won't ever wake up. The bodies of dead people sometimes are buried in the ground and sometimes burned because the person doesnt need their body now they are dead. When we burn a body that is called a cremation.

You can explain that a funeral is a time when people gather together and think about the person who has died. Sometimes people pray and talk about what made the person special and a the things they did in their life. It can make people feel very sad or happy to remember these things. Funerals can also be very long and a bit boring, so children don't usually have to go.

You may need to explain in stages and repeat parts and let your child ask as many questions as they like.

I'm sorry for your loss.

If it's appropriate in your circumstances would it help to explain that by having a person's ashes, you can put them somewhere special that is meaningful to the person, or have them nearby you, like in a garden of remembrance?

Tell them the truth. It’s what I told my then 3 and 5 year olds when their grandad died.

When someone dies, if we don’t do anything with the body it goes bad. So we put it in a special box called a coffin and it’s either buried in the ground or burned which is called cremation. When someone is cremated you get the ashes back afterwards.

We explained that grandma didn't need her body any more, so she was having it buried since that was traditional for her family and gave us somewhere to visit to remember her. But that my dad had his body cremated because he preferred that idea, and we were going to scatter the ashes somewhere we could visit.

Basically we really heavily emphasised that they weren't in their body any more; they weren't using it any more, and different people do different things with them.

All brilliant ideas, thanks.

Nothing to add just to say some really lovely explanations 💙

DC2 was 6 when DH died last year. I said he had died because his body didn’t work anymore and after the funeral it would be put in a machine and turned to ash (I admit I couldn’t bring myself to say it would be burned), we discussed what we could do with the ashes afterwards (e.g plant a tree so daddy’s body would be helping the tree grow). It was one of several very difficult conversations.

This is interesting to me because I remember as a child around 9 years old, learning what cremation was and being absolutely horrified by it and very upset. It seemed like something that would happen in a horror movie to me and I was very disturbed.

I think adults do not always remember/ understand how sensitive children can be.

I would say 7 is a bit young to have this conversation unless he initiates it. He's not going to be there, so he is unlikely to think about it and ask you what happened to the body. You can probably just tell him that it was a nice funeral, you had some music, food etc and remembered his grandma.

If he does ask, just use one of the more gentle explanations above - I like 'heat up' rather than 'burned' for example - and don't give more information than he actually asks for.