My Grief Is Pathetic and Unimportant

[Phoenixwings1989]

I'm not sure where to start or what to say without it being tedious

I have been NC with my mum since 2015 as she has a tendency to be emotionally manipulative and vile in general. And for the betrayal I faced when I reported my brother's dad for sexual abuse as she took his side and later initiated a relationship with him.

I tried to have a relationship with her for my Nanna's sake and also for my siblings but I'd had enough.

I've been blessed to have had female influences who have acted as mother's toward me but while this has been a curse also as it gave me an idea what I could have had if my mother hadn't been the way she is.

One of those influences was a woman who had entered my life as a mentor when I was eight who was in my life until I turned thirteen when she left for Western Australia where she has lived for the past twenty years.

Another influence was a TA who entered my life after said influence. I know I was resisting attachment - I didn't want to lose anybody else and obviously her role in my life would only be temporary. But as much as I didn't want to form an attachment with her it happened. Even more so after she was a constant support after I reported the sexual abuse at fourteen. Mum had shunned me for two weeks while costing up to his family.

I still have contact with the woman who moved to Australia but our relationship is complicated, mostly by her. Before she left she went to the trouble of setting up an internet connection and giving me a laptop (it was an old one she had lying around) so we could stay in touch. When she left though contact was non-existent and I became angry that she made such a fuss about doing so and not being able to keep her word.

Since then she has also introduced me to her daughter as her sort of adopted sister, sent me a necklace with various pictures inside with a quote of "our family tree" on it, skyping every week but then stopped without an explanation, said I was 99% her child, and recently said she was reluctant to take my mother's place as she would hate to come between the chance of a reunion. Four years ago she asked me if I was going to reconcile with my mum and she knows everything that's happened! I have told her how I feel countless times and she has said she believes I am angry with her but I don't have reason to be which is BS.

here are many reasons that are valid!

I have had counselling and different kind of therapies which have had no effect. It doesn't change the fact my mother in my life was useless and the other female influences didn't stick around to continue to be so. And I am so angry about that! Why go through all of that effort and not be there at all? It makes no sense to me!

I have also heard many times I should walk away, go NC with her too as the mentor broke boundaries and the relationship is unhealthy and that breaks my heart because not in all those times when she was here would I have ever thought anybody would use that to describe her.

I read a book a few years back saying complicated grief was like an addiction as there'd been studies on the brain's reaction and I can relate to that.

I love my DD dearly but I cannot see a way forward from all of this pain that is around me twenty four seven. Nobody acknowledges it, most people believe it is self-inflicted which it is but now do you move forward without having a mum?

I just don't know why she can't accept her part she has played in my life and stand up to take the position as my adoptive mother. She foster other children, and said that part of her reason for doing so is seeing how much pain I am in and doesn't want to see anyone else go through that! Yet here I am, in pain caused by her actions and she absolves herself from it.

Sorry that you are going through this. Have you had any sort of therapy or counselling?

It sounds as if you've transferred your feelings about your mum onto this woman who is either unwilling or unable to play that role for you. I can see why you feel confused by her inconsistent behaviour but I think you need to accept that she can't take the place of your mum, even though that is doubly painful for you (in that you're mourning your relationship with your mum and with her). I'd strongly encourage you to seek some help, ideally from a chartered psychologist.

@HelloAvocado I was seeing a psychologist in 2016 but those sessions were stopped because I was to be assessed for Autism. He felt he didn't know how to connect with me, so it was agreed I'd get the diagnosis then continue with another psychologist.

That didn't happen as the Psychology unit said it was just the result of me having Autism and not related to my history. Which is silly as the psychologist said in his report there was a lot of things needed to be worked through but they have still refused me a psychologist.

I agree though with needing one it's just getting them to listen which I have failed to do in the past .

I've had various therapies but only l seeing the psychologist actually helped.

I just wish I knew what to do. I am sick of feeling hollow.

It was bad enough my mum doing what she did bit even worse the one woman I thought I could trust completely has done this 😮‍💨.

I’m so sorry for all these terrible things that have happened to you. Is your thread title a quote from someone, because your grief is neither pathetic or unimportant, and neither are you.

One of the glaring issues with support provision for people on the spectrum is that the gate keeping is done by neurotypicals. My autistic ds is suicidal but not the right kind of suicidal; he’s not eligible for cahms support because he’s autistic. You couldn’t make this up.

Often we see things very, very clearly and it’s perceived as evidence of our dysfunction. A neurotypical thought process involves layers of self-gaslighting and rewriting narratives to twist reality to fit identity. Things that are uncomfortable get edited out.

It’s not at all uncommon for a certain type of person to be drawn to a vulnerable child like you were, because they see the potential in the situation to be a hero. Reality and supporting a traumatised human is messy, and they instinctively prioritise their identity over the needs of the person they’re helping. And then flounder around creating more psychological damage. It’s awful that she’s gone on to foster other children - you’d think that they could screen out people like this.

You’re unlikely to get her to acknowledge her responsibility because to understand that puts her identity at risk.

I do think you need someone to work through this with; specifically someone who works with autistic people or has autism themselves. Maybe it’s worth reaching out to autism groups to see if you can find someone affordable (often counsellors reduce their advertised rates for those who can’t afford them).

You have faced a lot of rejection in your life OP.
Is there anyone that has stayed true to you and stands beside you now? You mention your Nanna, siblings and your DD? Could you focus your love and energy into your relationships with them and your useless mother and her substitute can fuck off to the far side of forever.
Have you tried CBT at all? It has helped quite a few people I know and I think your GP might be able to refer.

@Bearsporridge Nobody has said it to me but it is what comes across whenever I tall about it to those close to me. I know it's hard to see a loved one going through hard times.

Yes, I'm not sure what it is with neurotypicals in the health profession telling autistic people what's be best for them. I'm under MAIN, it's an autistic charity in the north east but even I don't find it helps, either. Something really has to give.

I'm not so sure about her wanting to play the hero. If that was the case wouldn't she still be trying to work her 'magic?' She has said she was heartbroken having to leave me and she struggles with seeing me struggle. I can see where you're coming from though.

I've posted on Autistic forums but I've had little luck in finding anything. I did e-mail the psychologist I was seeing a few year back about the problem I was having but there isn't anything he can do.

As for her fostering and the system being able to see through her, I think living in Australia helped - she'd have had clean references and nobody from the fostering agency would have known about the role she played in my life. But I have said it to myself and my husband the pattern will repeat because she hasn't accepted her role in my life and she still isn't taking accountability.

@serin There's a saying somewhere that rejection makes you braver and more resilient to it. I don't know how true that is.

I do try to focus on the positive relationships I have with the people in my life but I still feel hollow, like I'm somebody else and not myself which makes me feel terrible. I will never have anyone to love me like that again.

I have tried CBT but I didn't find it useful. I just find it hard to accept I think.

Oh OP I agree it sounds as if you have transferred onto this women and she simply cannot be that for you - neither geographically or wanting to. And that is ok it is her choice and I agree I think you need to walk away.

But your anger and your grief are not pathetic anf they are not unimportant

How old is your daughter?

@Quartz2208 DD is two and a half.

Yes you're right. It is just so unforgivingly unfair! Especially when she says all these things under the sun then backs out within the drop of a hat but she can foster other kids but can't be there for me. Just grates on me but 🤷😪

I’m also no contact with my mother. Same sorts of reasons. I spent years in a very painful sort of mourning for the best bits of her. I’m also now the oldest woman I know since my mil died, and I’m under 40. That’s a whole new feeling. It’s tough 💐

Have you communicated how you feel to her and if so has she explained her side to you?

I can imagine it’s hard to “mother” a person from another country.

It really sounds like you are putting too much pressure on this woman.
She can only be there for you so much.
In the nicest possible way what do you want from her that she is not giving you at the moment? Xx

It is unfair - it is unfair that your Mother never believed you and that you had to go no contact. But think of how much better you feel without her and how much better you will feel letting her go too. She can never be what you want or need her to be.

What you can control is the Mother you are

I empathise OP, I have lost a parent and had difficult family relationships. It used to feel very raw for me, almost constantly until I got the right help. For me it was person centred therapy, but everyone is different.

I agree with PP that suggested finding a counsellor or psychotherapist who specialises in working with people with autism. There is a FB group called "counsellors working with neurodivergence" which might be able help.

I also agree that it sounds like you have transferred many of your feelings for your mother onto this women, and I think it would be best to let her go. Healthy grief should move through stages, it sounds like you have become stuck in anger.
That doesn't make your grief pathetic or unimportant.
You, and your grief make sense.
You, and your mental health are important, and important to your daughter.

Best wishes OP 💐

@OriginalUsername2 I have spoken to her about how I feel many times but she doesn't talk about how she feels at all. Apart from what I've said previously, it's all guesswork. I can understand it being hard to "mother" from another country but it was she who made the commitment by giving a computer to keep in touch in the first place. I didn't get a say in the matter of keeping contact.

@BooksAndChooks I am sorry to read you have also faced this hardship too. I have requested to join counsellors working with neurodivergence but they haven't responded yet. When I answered their questions it seemed to be more for counsellors getting to work with neurodivergence not actually counsellors seeking neurodivergence clients. Yes, letting her go has been the conclusion to this for many people, and it's not that I'm not listening or accepting the advice it's just too painful at the moment to contemplate. I just wanted a mum but that's never going to be possible it seems.

neurodivergenttherapists.com/directory/

This register was recommended to me. Lots of counsellors offer to have a free chat first to see if you are a good fit for each other.

I will PM you another recommendation.

I don't want to be here anymore.

@Phoenixwings1989 Please know that you are loved and cherished. This woman cannot give you what you want. You need to look forward to your future with confidence and hope. Remember you have a daughter who needs you and a husband who is by your side. Sending love.

How can I be loved? None of the women in life have done. They've all walked away easily enough. I don't have a future to look forward to. I'm living for everybody else. That's how it has always been and will forever be.

You really do have a future OP. And I think it looks very bright. But, like anyone who’s gone through trauma, you’ll need help to get there. Can you speak to your GP to get some immediate support?

Your daughter loves you. You are her world.

Have you ever come across the notion of unhelpful thinking patterns OP?

You're disregarding the love being shown to you by your daughter and husband (and possibly others) and focus on the issues with these other women.

Life is more than these other women. They are imperfect, we all are. They haven't given you what you feel you needed, but that is the past and you can't change it. You can't focus so heavily on these women for your own sense of identity and worth.

You have the present, and a chance to be for your daughter what you didn't have. Please get help.