Worried about my husband

[fruitstick]

Our teenage son died 2 years ago.

My husband is struggling. He is drinking too much and is depressed. He is angry, and bitter and negative about nearly everything.

He won't have any sort of therapy or see our GP. He won't talk to friends.

He admitted he needed to stop drinking but that hasn't happened.

Tonight, when drunk, he has said he wants to die.

I'm struggling with my own grief and don't know what to do to help him.

Oh so so hard.
I am so sorry about the loss of your son, and now your husband is retreating.
You can’t change what he does but you can change you.
Sometimes looking after yourself can be the catalyst for a partner changing too.
Have you had some talking therapy?
Seeing GP is a good place to start.
Make sure you get a bit exercise - just 20 minute walk can help.
Try eat the beast you can
Do one thing each week for you - even just a coffee out, a facial ( if you can), sit in the sun and read a book.
💐

Ah @fruitstick; you wrongly injured life soldier. It's so flaming unfair how life can be.
Your husband has survived 2 years of this pain with you which means you're both stronger than you think. He must not give up now because this grief-filled daily pain has become courage without him realising it.
Retreating is natural, the wounded need space to heal and often 'well meaning' (aka soul/emotionally exhausting) people are more demanding of help than yourself!
The agonising void needs to be filled with what you loved about your child and not a scream that will destroy everything, especially if you think how you would want your son to feel if you died first.
You and your husband need to look at each other in the eyes and understand that only you two will ever know this pain and how important this time of your life needs to be shared and not ignored or fractured. Get angry etc but remember that You both created a life that will always exist within each other and beyond.
Maybe help others who look desperately to people who have suffered like you, and find another reason to keep moving forward.

I am so sorry for your devastating loss.

There is a guy called Andy Wheatley who blogs about child loss aimed at fellow dads. Your husband might find it helpful, particularly this post:
andywheatley.com/2020/04/20/oops-therapy/

It is 6 years since we lost our son. I am the one who has struggled more than DH. Apart from the bereavement board on here, my greatest support has come from other bereaved parents. There is an organisation called Compassionate Friends that seems to be very welcoming to men. There might be a branch near you.
One of my friends gets a lot of support from Road Peace. ( Her child was killed in a RTI).
Keep telling your DH that you need him and you are there for him. It is still very early days.
I am so sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

I'm doing OK. I have a therapist who I talk to. I walk a lot, write and also spend a lot of time fundraising. I had antidepressants for a while which I stopped taking a year ago.

I'm trying to be positive for our younger son, but also to honour the memory of our son who has died.

DH wants to do none of these but sit and drink by himself. He is angry and bitter and I feel there is nothing i can do to reach him.

I am so sorry. It is so, so hard.

Hi @fruitstick I’m so sorry to hear about your son. A couple of years ago, DH and I were you in reverse (I was the one angry, bitter and on self destruct. For me it was refusing to eat rather than drinking too much but the idea is similar).

What helped me was finding some form of purpose - I trained for and ran a marathon and set up a small (not very successful) business. Finding other bereaved mums helped me too. If your DH could connect with some other bereaved dads, would that help?

Thank you.

The trouble is he doesn't want to. I have a strong group of bereaved Mums but he's not interested in talking to anyone.

I've arranged for us to see a friend and her husband in a few weeks so I'm hoping that will help.

He has friends but he won't see any of them, or if he does he doesn't talk about anything.

He's becoming more and more unpleasant to be around and doesn't seem to care anymore.

For example, he stays up until the early hours playing music, and doesn't care if I ask him to turn it down because it's woken me up - he just turns it up. He says I'm being unreasonable and hectoring him.

I feel like he's pushing me away until I break.

OP, I am so sorry for your loss. And for what you and your younger son are now having to go through with your husband's drinking.

I have just come to post from the perspective of someone who's husband developed a dependency on alcohol as a result of trauma and whose behaviour became similarly difficult to live with. It's great you are seeing a therapist but I strongly advise you to also attend Smart Recovery Friends and Family or Al Anon meetings to support you specifically as someone living with an alcoholic.

The really difficult and hard fact that I learned was that I couldn't stop my husband wanting to drink. The phrase about drinking is- you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't stop it.

I am so sorry if this sounds brutally honest. I imagine you have already tried kindness, being understanding, warning him about his health. It is so difficult when someone doesn't want to stop. I hope I'm wrong and misreading the depth of the problem.

Please prioritise yourself and your younger son.

@Cyberworrier thank you. You haven't misidentified the problem at all.

It's so hard. I don't want to abandon him, but he doesn't want my support. He just wants me to put up with it.

Hi Fruitstick, first of all I love you and feel so sad that your family is going through this. I feel like after reading your post that your husband is "coping" which is obviously very normal given your situation.

I'd hate to suggest this but have you tried getting drunk with him? Sometimes when somebody is knowingly hurting themselves and they see somebody they love do the same thing it actually pushes them to intervention, if it doesn't then it normally means that the person doesn't care. I can elaborate more on this if you like xx

Please do elaborate.

We used to both drink, and enjoy drinking together.

I don't really drink any more. Part of it is age and part not wanting to feel any worse than I do already.

He is still in the angry phase of grief.
You may need to put some space between you for a while, especially if he is lashing out and being nasty.
Is there anyone at all that could keep in touch or stay with him while you and your son get some space?
It took my younger son more than 2 years to be able to come home after we lost his brother. He was so angry and self destructive. I was nearly out of my mind with fear and anxiety.
He ran as far away as possible to the other side of the world. Took so many risks I was terrified I would lose him too.
Finally he went into rehab. Several times. Things are going better now, but it is a long, hard road.

OP, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this.

I know it must feel so out of your moral frame to considering separating- that it would be abandoning him. But he is choosing to disengage from you and instead stay up late drinking/avoiding reality.

I would consider making an ultimatum but you would have to be prepared to stick with it, as meaningless threats just make alcoholics feel even more like their behaviour is acceptable (when it clearly isn't).

Please ignore the advice to drink with your alcoholic husband. I am so, so sorry.

It is possible he will wake up and see sense when he realises you aren't prepared to live like this. But ultimately you can only control your own behaviour and choices - and you and your son need to be the priority until your husband is prepared to accept he has a problem and wants to change.

Thank you.

I think I know that's the case but I'm just not strong enough.

I can't uproot DS- he's been through so much.

I haven't worked properly since DS1 died and have a lot of debt. I'd never get a rental and don't really have anyone to stay with.

It all feels so impossible.

Maybe I need to work on making myself stronger first, but it's so hard when DH keeps knocking me back down again.

That sounds so hard.
They said at Smart Recovery F and F that at the very least, they helped the loved ones of alcoholics cope better themselves and that there was a chance that learning to adapt how you interact with the alcoholic could have a positive impact on them. Why don't you give that a go whilst thinking about your long term plans? There are online meetings.
I will also post a thread on here which is really supportive to people with alcoholic loved ones. Hopefully you can get some support there too. X

Support group for those affected by someone else's drinking www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/4581221-support-group-for-those-affected-by-someone-elses-drinking