For those of us who don't have a good relationship with parents, how did you think their death would affect you and in reality, how did it?

[Bretonbear]

Just that really.

I have a strained relationship with my parents (especially my mother) where I've felt my whole life there must be something wrong with me as I feel nothing really about them - I feel nothing on the rare occasions I have had a hug, I feel no joy when in their company etc and when I hear others talk about their parents and their mother in a warm way, I just feel like an alien.

They are in their late 80s now and I'm beginning to wonder how on earth I am going to feel when they're gone. They are not in my daily life as it is, when Covid was around and lockdown was here it made no difference to my life as it's like our relationship has constantly been in lockdown (if that makes sense).

Just rambling, I'm sorry, just want to know if anyone else feels this.

When my father died I did not go to the funerals and I felt very little.

I am no contact with my mother and have no intention to ever have anything to do with her again.

They were dreadful parents and I finally admitted to myself that I never developed any kind of love or affection for them so there was no point of having them in my life.

Relief is probably what I will feel when my mother dies because they both always have been such a burden and cause of deep unhappiness from the start.

Am no contact with both. They were separated, so not no contact as a pair.

Father died nearly two years ago. I felt nothing. No loss. He was not a good person.
I, my siblings, and my children were specifically named in his will to NOT inherit a thing. His last spiteful act.

Mother is alive, afaik. I expect someone will tell me if she's not, but maybe not.
I feel sorry for her that she is old and lonely, and depriving herself of her only grandchildren (my children. My siblings don't and won't have kids.). I will feel probably a pang of sadness that she never sorted herself out to experience the joy they bring.

Am also NC with both siblings, as a consequence of the fallout with our mother (their choice).

💐 to you all.

I had the same concerns OP. NC w my dad for about 30yrs, was relieved when I heard.

I've been NC with both parents for 30+ years.

They are both, I realise now, personality disordered: NPD, BPD and histrionic. I studied in this area and it was, frankly, a lightbulb moment.

I've worked through my own childhood trauma, spent years unpicking it all, but abuse leaves its scars and it overshadows sibling relationships. Intergenerational trauma is a gift that keeps on giving if you don't do the work.

Both my parents are in their 80s now and neither are well. I don't intend to see either at the end but I will leave that option open - for me, not them - when the time comes. My siblings go through phases of having contact with one or other or both or none. There's always a drama.

I'm happy now and have a wonderful relationship with my partner who I met in my 40s. It's taken a long time to relax into my life now.

I lived in hiding for most of my adult life, because my mother was so violent and mad. She would rock up at work, if she found out where I was, just to cause a scene. One time, she chained herself to a railing naked screaming family secrets at the top of her lungs (I'm sure the Met were delighted). The naked histrionics, there were several, were particularly excruciating.

It's quite nice knowing she's too old now to jump out at me or try to run me over. I didn't realise that threat had finally passed until about 8 years ago when my partner pointed out the likelihood of a knife-weilding 70-something hiding in our bushes. I imagine I will still feel relief when she passes all the same.

But...I will also feel the full sadness of the ambiguous loss I've lived with through life. The sadness we all hold tightly in our chests.

Their deaths will be the full stop, a chance to tot up the final damage. To mourn not having normal parents. To not know what its like to grow up feeling loved and safe. To miss out on having a parent feel proud of you or to turn to when things get hard. These things weigh on a person.

But, I can live with it because it is not a reflection on me or my worth. I am deeply loved and I deeply love. My house is full of laughter and kindness and warmth. And that's what does - and will give me - comfort when the time comes.

💐 to you all.

both my parents died before I was 30 before that I have no contact with them for over 10 years

I already grieved for the parents I wish I had but never did , I didn’t attend there funerals

Intergenerational trauma is a gift that keeps on giving if you don't do the work.

This is so true RaininginDarling. My dad's brokenness was (most likely, as per my earlier post) partly unrecognised ASD, but it was hugely compounded by his childhood trauma. I don't know anything about my granddad's childhood, but my grandma's was also abusive. She then went on to be a victim of domestic abuse once married. I have been determined to break the cycle, but I can see how easily it flows down the generations and know how hard it is to break old thought patterns.

@SkankingWombat. It helps to understand what's going on under the bonnet, as it were, but it doesn't make it any less painful.

Did you know that, in a Venn diagram of autism and trauma, there can be noticeable presenting behaviour overlap? I've seen it a lot.

When my father died I felt some guilt - we had been estranged and his life was very chaotic.

I could have done more but I simply couldn’t deal with him and a life that had spiralled out of control.

Although he was a poor father he had some good points and I can look back fondly on them now

My DM was a total narcissist, she manipulated her children, told lies about each to the other, and sowed discontent. She treated her second husband appallingly, was universally rude and obnoxious to all, regularly made myself, my children, and her carers cry.

Sad to say I didn't love her very much, and when she died of Covid at 92 a year or so ago, I really didn't feel much. I didn't feel emotional at her funeral, and I haven't really missed her since she went. I haven't visited her grave at all. She has just faded away.

Ironically she was exactly the same when her own mother died. With many of the same issues. I am desperately trying to ensure I don't continue the family tradition, although as her regular hurtful insult to me, was always, "you are so like your father", I hope that I won't be the same.

My parents are now both dead. We had a terrible relationship. My mother was a narcissist, one of my brothers was the golden child who could do no wrong, I was the family scapegoat. I was neglected as a child, constantly criticised and ended up really messed up.
You grieve for yourself when they die because you lose the parents you wish you’d had.
I can’t put right the past. A lot of choices they made were dreadful. My mother honestly believed she was a perfect mother but I was some mentally ill monster that spoiled everything in the family.
Years of therapy haven’t helped me at all. I envy other people with normal families.
Find a therapist NOW to help you. You may be better prepared for the turmoil I faced after my parents died. And still do.

My mother cut me out of her life 3 years ago (she's a conspiracy theorist narc and abusive apart from anything else), I've been told a lot recently that I'll regret not getting in contact with her and "forgiving" her when she dies, I'm not sure how I'll feel but I'm convinced I'll regret it either..

Yes. My Mother (abusive) died this year. After good counselling years ago many years of (sporadic) NC, I was surprised how much it affected me. Complicated grief is very hard grief (for the death of any potential relationship)

My alcoholic father died when I was a teenager. He was violent, nasty and made our lives an absolute hell. I just felt relief. The only slight regret was things I hadn’t asked him about family history etc but that was very minor. I was glad he was dead.

I was no contact with my 87 year old mother for 5 years before being emotionally blackmailed into getting in contact with her again. She is so so horrible and makes me feel suicidal on occasion. She has had a couple of accidents/illnesses over the last couple of years where we thought it was the end.

I feel regret that she chose to be so awful and wasn’t a nice mother. Just frustration at having to sort out her stuff and sell her house etc, I feel nothing. I don’t feel glad she is coming to the end of her life, just nothing. No strong emotions.

@Bretonbear

Badly as I saw how they affected me after they were gone.