For those of us who don't have a good relationship with parents, how did you think their death would affect you and in reality, how did it?

[Bretonbear]

Just that really.

I have a strained relationship with my parents (especially my mother) where I've felt my whole life there must be something wrong with me as I feel nothing really about them - I feel nothing on the rare occasions I have had a hug, I feel no joy when in their company etc and when I hear others talk about their parents and their mother in a warm way, I just feel like an alien.

They are in their late 80s now and I'm beginning to wonder how on earth I am going to feel when they're gone. They are not in my daily life as it is, when Covid was around and lockdown was here it made no difference to my life as it's like our relationship has constantly been in lockdown (if that makes sense).

Just rambling, I'm sorry, just want to know if anyone else feels this.

I went no contact with mine when I was pregnant with DD1. Didn’t see them
again. They had both died by the time DD was 6. I didn’t attend the funerals, and felt only relief they were gone, tinged with brief sadness that I had never had, and now never would have, a normal loving parent.

My father wasn’t the best wasn’t interested never there after I was 9 only saw him three or four times a year. He tried to make it up in the last two years ( he finally told me he realised how bitchy my aunt was to me growing up) He died 13 years ago I felt guilty at first for not really missing him that stopped after the first couple of years. My mother dumped me at 8 met her twice in my life after so didn’t care when she died. The aunt who brought me up I went nc 15 years ago didn’t go to her funeral.

When my useless alchoholic dad died I was at his bed side. I had a very very difficult time afterwards trying to come to terms with the fact that he would never now be the dad i had needed him to be. I was angry that i had visited him in hospital almost every day for a year when he had never given a toss about me when i was sick, even when i almost died. I did grieve, but not for that dad i had as he had never been a real dad to me, but for the dad he would never now be IYSWIM.
It did help me go NC with narc mother as I was determined i would not go through the same with her.

I was very shocked when my mother died - she and I had a poor relationship a lot of the time and I felt that was aggravated by my father. I imagined when he died (he was much older) our relationship would improve. She died first. When my father died I did all the dutiful things but felt very little towards him. I grieved not for my parents but for the parents I didn't have, if that makes sense. I still miss not having had a mum that I loved and who loved me.

Watching with interest.

My relationship with DM has all but disintegrated in the last few years. We’re in touch at Xmas and birthdays and very little in between. She’s very self-absorbed and I was very much caught in the FOG (fear obligation guilt) thing.

After some good therapy, I’ve accepted a lot, and I acknowledge I can’t “give” her my love, even though I do love and care about her.

She now has some health issues and is waiting for surgery, and, due to NHS delays, things seem to be getting worse with other issues popping up because of the original one.

And I do wonder how I’d feel if she didn’t make it out the other side. My therapist said that complicated grief (ie when the relationship is not easy) is much harder to deal with than uncomplicated grief.

Hugs to others with difficult relationships with your parents. It’s a very tricky and sad topic to navigate.

I’m no nc it’s there choice but they are abusive and I worry about this
if he goes first - I might be able to repair with her
if she does first - no chance

awful all around

I had only spoken to my dad 3 times in 20 years, when he passed away last year.

I was upset immediately on hearing the news, but really didn’t feel much apart from that.

I didn’t/don’t regret going no/low contact with him.

I’m not quite in the same situation in that my parents are still alive, however we have been NC for quite a few years and recently I have been wondering how I will feel when they die. My DF is 82 and DM 73, divorced, and unfortunately DF wife has been the driving force to cut him off from me which I find distressing, however a couple of attempts to contact them have seen no response.

My DM is emotionally abusive and vile and I have no regrets about being NC with her, however I grieve for the mother I never really had (there were good times but many not).

I have a lot of unanswered questions about my parents and things that happened both to them and me but it looks like these will always go unanswered. How I feel when they die I just don’t know but it brings tears to my eyes when I think about my DF; sometimes I think he’s just another stupid man who has his head turned by a much younger wife who is now his gatekeeper against family in old age.

I thought I'd feel very little or possibly a bit relieved, but it did affect me more than I'd anticipated.

I found grief hard to navigate and it brought up a lot of unprocessed trauma from an abusive childhood. My relationship with my mother is now very strained as I see her more as an enabler than a victim (rightly or wrongly).

I had a poor relationship with my df by the time I was 4. He was horrible, and when he died I felt only profound relief.

When dm died I felt sad that she'd wasted so much of her life on an abusive man.

I'd made my peace with it already. In fact asking myself if I had any regrets if my pa died is what made me realise I had no regrets and it was fine to have a very distant relationship. And so it was until the end.

if you would if asked me before it happened I would if said it wouldn’t if bothered me
and used to say if I found him on the floor I would step over him

he passed away a few months ago the last 3 weeks it was down to me to look after him practically 24 hrs he was bed ridden sister nowhere to be seen and mum doesn’t cope well
in all honesty I’m so glad I did it it drew a line under everything
felt no need for big reunion apologies and let’s make up for lost time
I was upset more that I wasn’t upset my sister was devastated
most of all I realised you can love someone even if u don’t like them

I’m dreading the phone call when it happens. its so complex.
we are NC and have been for a long time.
we’ve tried sporadically to have a relationship but it doesn’t last.

I have no idea if I will be floored or relieved!

My mum is still here (albeit in terrible health). She was an alcoholic throughout my childhood & didn’t look after me properly or take steps to sort her MH). I didn’t have a good childhood but I’m not NC & I expect I will struggle when she dies. Mourning the loss of what I could’ve had. Sad really.

I was really unsure how I would feel after my dad died - guilt,.grief, regret? We had what I'm sure to outsiders looked like a fairly conventional relationship, more distant than some. But I look back on some of the things he did and just feel disbelief we all went through that. I've framed him as a gambling addict - he wasn't, but I've read a lot about what it's like being the child of one and it made so much sense. A gambler who never ever won. Another way of thinking about it was that money and status were like heroin to him. They were all that made him feel OK, we couldn't do that, and he destroyed himself chasing them.

I felt no grief at all when he died and no regret or guilt, just relief and a bit of sadness. The sadness has definitely increased over time but it's still not really grief.

I grieved for the parents I never had a long time ago. My mother hated me from the minute I was born and spent my entire life reminding me of this. Thankfully she was eventually a good grandmother to my children. When she was terminal people kept telling me to spend time with her but I was just furious that this was it, the end of the line, no more time to build what should’ve always been there naturally. I also think I’d have been angrier if she’d suddenly told me she loved me on her death bed. Again, she should’ve been doing that all along anyway. It was too late. When she died it was like the weight of the what-should’ve-beens was instantly lifted and I was free. I miss her, like a friend, but that’s it.
My dad shunned me like I was a nuisance when I turned 18. I fought on to remain in his life until I was 30, when I just stopped trying. He disappeared, moved away, and was gone for 12 years. We are back in contact now, I see him once a year. It’s not really a parental relationship.

That makes perfect sense.

When Dad died I was shocked. He wasn't in great health, but wasn't old-old IYKWIM and I wasn't expecting it so soon. He was a controlling and abusive alcoholic and we had a very rocky LC relationship. If I'd gone NC he'd have had nobody else and despite the abuse he was also clearly a vulnerable and damaged person. I had been unable to cut ties completely due to guilt. His death came having lost my absolutely wonderful DM a couple of years before, my life changing unrecognisably with the arrival of my DCs, and at the end of a protracted legal battle - it had been a turbulent 3 years! To top it off, he died insolvent and intestate with a dirty flat full to the ceiling with stuff. The stress of sorting out his affairs and having to accept never getting any kind of reconciliation, apology or acknowledgement of his treatment of me, on top of finding myself alone in the world by blood except my DCs (I have no siblings, aunts/uncles, GPs etc) pushed me over the edge. I had a MH breakdown that took 4 years to fully heal. It surprised me, as I hadn't anticipated it affecting me so much and was expecting mostly relief and a release.
I now, after an awful lot of counselling, CBT and psychotherapy, still feel a mix of sadness he's gone, relief I never have to deal with his manipulation again, and guilt for feeling the relief, but the biggest feeling is pity and sadness for how his life could have been if he had addressed his own issues earlier in life: he could actually be quite fun, funny, interesting, and generous when in a good place, and he was a sharp intelligent person with so much potential. He'd had an awful childhood, and his GP had suggested the possibility of Aspergers to him shortly before his death. Those two things aren't an excuse to be abusive and not seek help to change, but it helps me to understand why he was as he was. Hopefully the work I've done has broken the cycle (I haven't managed to fully rid myself of the little voice that points out all of his behaviour traits that I've inherited/learned).

These stories are heartbreaking 💔

I’ve had a very difficult relationship with my mother, in fact I came back to the UK to live with my grandparents.

We hadn’t spoken in ten years so I gave her a call but I wish I hadn't bothered. The nett result of that is I’m done with her. I’m 42 now and when the time comes I’m sure I’ll be upset, maybe, but I won’t be going to her funeral. It’s that bad.

On the other hand I see my father quite regularly despite him living in New York. That’s all you need to know about my parents.

I am currently working on this with a therapist.

My feelings for some time have been that death will be nothing but a relief but I feared that could be very far from the truth when it happens. I remain in contact with my parents. So I am working through childhood trauma and trying to process some of the issues/grief now in the hope that the passing, when it comes, will not give me unexpected distress.

I felt nothing when she died and didn’t attend the funeral. As expected I was left nothing in the will - but made executor… I signed over my responsibilities to someone else.

the upside is that I’ve managed to rebuild a relationship with my dad and we talk nearly every day now.

it’s only awkward when he starts crying and I think Who is this woman they’re mourning?

I didn’t have a good relationship with my dad who had been a recluse for a long time, and when he died it took a while to get everything finalised as the police etc were involved. I can’t say I was very upset, more really sad for the loss of a dad I never had if that makes sense? He’d chosen a path that meant he made our lives very unpleasant, when in fact he had a lovely family and he could have had a great life.

My adoptive mother died shortly after a cancer diagnosis in the first lockdown. I felt nothing. Adoptive father went NC with me soon after. No idea if he's still alive.

I was NC with my father for several years. When he was dying he asked my brother to find me (they didn't agree with my NC, so stopped contact). I thought long and hard about it and didn't want contact. Against my better judgement I decided to be the better person. It meant nothing to me. He reinvented history. It still meant nothing. When he died I went to the funeral. It meant nothing. I now have no contact with either of my siblings now either. Their "history" isn't mine. I'm fine with it. If it did anything for him, that's OK, but it meant nothing to me.