Feeling increasingly detached from dh's family

[PermanentTemporary]

I just wondered if this is normal, or if I'm uniquely detached.

Dh died 4.5 years ago. I'm in weekly contact with my FIL but don't see him so often because my DM is in a nursing home and I prioritise her. Dh's brother and I had a major row about his death and although we kind of got to a better place and send birthday cards to each others kids, we don't meet. Dh's sister I'm infrequently in touch with but no big bust-up.

I feel this is pretty useless and less than dh would expect. I do also think it's unlikely to change, but I could pull my socks up and try and improve things.

Why is it up to you to improve things?

Lots of people will say why bother but it is nice to have people in your life who knew people that have gone.

So make an effort if you can. It isn’t up to you but if you do it you are unlikely to regret it. Postcards, swapping photos, WhatsApp group. It isn’t that much effort and may be just what you need. After all, you started this thread.

I don’t fully understand why you need to continue to have close relationships or are beating yourself up that they aren’t closer. Was it a stated wish of your DH? Do you have DC and if so, how old are they? I think you should cut yourself some slack. Relationships are two way streets, and you sound like you have a lot on with your DM too.

As crap as it is I would say you need to push the effort for the sake of DC (I assume you have as your reference bday cards to kids).

Why are DH’s expectations relevant?

Sounds like you have a ‘should’ vs ‘want’ going on. Always go with your wants.

I’d say it’s worth making at least some effort for your kids to have that link to their dad. It’s not all on you though, your in laws should be reciprocating.

What do you want? Also what do the family want of you? Sounds like you have dependent children - your DH's family is still their family, and by extension, kind of yours too. But it seems you're really not bothered about them. You're under no obligation to maintain much of a relationship for your own sake but maybe your children still need you facilitate it for them? Also why is it your responsibility to step up - what about their responsibility for the relationships?

If your kids have cousins among your in-laws, then yes, I'd work on the relationships. Have you invited any of them to yours?

My late husband's sister and BIL live an hour and a half away. I invite them for a family get together with our 'kids' and theirs ( the cousins have all become adults in the intervening years) at least two or three times a year, and we occasionally go to theirs.

Thank you.

There's definitely a 'should' here. Tbh I do love FIL very much, and MIL - she is in a nursing home too. FIL has lost so much.

I think a lot of it is guilt that I have a new partner and am moving to a new stage, also that ds I think has to be prodded to be in contact with them (I say that - he may in fact be in touch with his uncle more than I know. I hope so).

What about what her kids need? The connection to their dad's family is really important to my DDs since they lost him.

Looking after my kid’s needs comes more under a ‘want’ for me. Yes I agree it’s important for the children to maintain a link. But also, as the adults in that adult/child relationship, I think it’s on the in-laws to be making the effort and instigating a relationship with the children, and on the widow to facilitate. Appreciate it’s a bit more complicated when there’s health issues for the adults.

Why is it on the in-laws? Surely both parties should want this and be equally responsible for continuing the relationship?

I don't know or care whether it was me or my in-laws who initiated the regular get togethers after my DH died. But I certainly didn't see it as my in-laws responsibility. If anything I see it as mine, as they are my children and I wanted them to be as emotionally healthy as possible after their loss. Consequently I continue to ensure that their relationship with their aunt and cousins (and my mum when she was alive) continues.

As you seem to be very fond of your FIL why not focus on him rather than BIL and SIL.
Could you up your contact with him such as a monthly visit or taking him out for Sunday lunch every once in a while.
Its wonderful you've found happiness with a new partner but when FIL passes you don't want to have any lingering feelings of regret that perhaps you didn't do as much as your lovely DH would have liked.

When my DH died, I genuinely wanted to do the same for and with his family as he would have done. But I recognise that it was easy for me as my in-laws are lovely people.
I imagine that if I had a new partner the impetus might be less, but the cousins relationship still needs to be facilitated.

From a mercenary point of view, maintaining a relationship means your child will hopefully still be regarded as family when it comes to inheritance