Grief 4 years later

[4years]

My dad died from a short but brutal terminal illness 4 years ago. My lovely stepmum has been heartbroken ever since. She doesn’t have children of her own, and whilst her family don’t live close, she visits them often. I live abroad.

She’s had her ups and downs over the years and I’d say it’s been a very slow process for her to grieve. Not that there’s a time limit…..

But she’s just crashed recently. I think she’s come to the realization that “this is it”. She’s been amazing at putting one foot in front of the other and seeing friends and family, but she’s definitely been existing rather than living…. and whilst the lockdowns were difficult (she’s a very anxious person), I think at least she felt that everyone was in the same boat and everyone was isolated, not just her.

And now things are “back to normal” I think she just feels so alone. Lonely and alone. She’s been crying a lot and is really struggling.
She’s tired of being on her own, the house is too big and overwhelms her, all my dads stuff is there still, and she’s 4 years older now…. My dad did all the doing and “responsible” stuff, so she’s like a lost child tbh. She is desperate for someone to scoop her up and look after her.

I do what I can (from abroad and when I visit) but am obviously limited. Plus also I know I can’t fill her void, and nor should I really have to. I know her grief is not my responsibility…Until recently, she’s rejected all ideas of counseling or joining a local widows group (though is beginning to come round to the idea of both of these), and it’s been difficult to discuss the house as she’s just been paralyzed by being overwhelmed yet refuses to accept help, and even gentle encouragement is batted away. I’ve even suggested that finding a “companion” (not necessarily romantic) could possibly be a good thing.

I suppose we have to just give her time and be there, right? It’s just so sad and heartbreaking to watch her struggle and know that you can’t really help, and yet she’s not really helping herself either. We are very different people, I’m fiercely independent and she’s pretty dependent, so I am also frustrated a lot (though am careful to not show this to her). And over 4 years in, I don’t feel able to be pulled back into raw grief. I know it’s not that long, but all of a sudden it feels like we’ve been catapulted back to the early days and I think it makes her feel even lonelier to know we’re at different points on our grief journey.

I think I just need to get this off my chest as I’m not sure what can actually be done.

>>>Until recently, she’s rejected all ideas of counseling or joining a local widows group (though is beginning to come round to the idea of both of these)

I think this is almost certainly what she needs or a good start anyway.

If she's a reader, a book or too about widow's grief particularly might help.

One of the most difficult aspects of grief, I've found, is worrying about how other loved ones are coping with their grief. You sound very loving and caring. You are right when you say "I know I can’t fill her void, and nor should I really have to. I know her grief is not my responsibility…" you are allowed to feel like this. You cannot solve her grief.

Are you able to explain to her that you are worried about how she's coping. That she can help you and others around her by seeking some GP advice, support groups, counselling, or therapy. By doing that you would be less worried about her? You can only suggest things, only she can choose to follow through.

Thank you for your replies.

She has seen the GP and got a list of counselors though I suspect there’s a long wait for nhs referrals. I’ve sent her a list of BACP counselors in her area too (she can afford private). Whether she calls them or not I guess we’ll see.

I know she wouldn’t want to be a burden yet at the same time fulfills the role of someone needing to be rescued. Always has done, long before her and my dad ever met, it’s the role she played in her family as a child (youngest child with 4 older brothers) and has carried on through her adult life.

My dad was her rescuer, and some of her best friends treat her like their baby sister/relative, and do temporarily scoop her up and look after her (which I’m not sure is entirely healthy as it just reinforces her helplessness, but then I’m quite a “tough cookie” so maybe I’m just lacking empathy….) but I think she’s realised that whilst friends and us (me and my sibling and our families) offer a very short-term and temporary rescue, it’s just simply not enough.

I do wish she could find a companion. Someone who you call to talk about your day, the mundane stuff, chat about the news, watch tv together, cook and eat together…

I’m in exactly the same position with my mum. We’re 5 years on and her grief over my stepdad’s death is as raw as the beginning.
Mum has always been anxious but it’s really bad now despite meds and she feels there’s no point to life. To stop herself from thinking she is on the go all the time and never rests.She’s always out doing things- activities and clubs but is never really satisfied with them. She doesn’t sleep and seems to be living on adrenaline.
The thing is she’s always had a tendency to fragile mental health and the grief has. exacerbated it. Counselling is out because she’s tried it , I think she thought the counsellor would just fix things for her, and she won’t see the doctor about altering her anxiety medication. Mornings are particularly bad - lots of shaking, hugging herself, panic. It’s awful to see.
Our relationship has changed. I can’t talk to her about anything anymore because everything is turned round to how awful her life is, she talks over the top of me and anything I suggest is immediately dismissed, yet at the same time it’s as if she wants me to fix it for her but I can’t. I live 4 hours away and she won’t consider a move.
Im afraid I lost my patience with her yesterday and now I feel terrible. I actually don’t know how to respond to her anymore 😔