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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Losing my Mum

17 replies

JBT27 · 24/08/2022 23:20

Hi don't really know why I'm writing this, I lost my Mum 7 weeks ago and my heart is broken.. I miss her soo much she was my Mum and best friend and a fantastic Gran. I'm functioning as normal but feel absolutely devastated.
She was diagnosed with terminal cancer in May, was started on chemotherapy in June and contracted pneumonia and passed away in July.
She was so independent and was badly let down by the local surgery and hospital.
It breaks my heart that she will miss my kids growing up as she was so very proud of them. I don't know how to get over this and move on.

OP posts:

friendlycat · 24/08/2022 23:33

I too lost my very dear Mum to cancer but nearly 17 years ago.
For you at the moment your grief is raw and unbearable. It’s a truly awful time.

But one thing that does change with time is that it gets easier to manage the grief and you gain an acceptance of it. You will always miss her, always wish she was still with you but it becomes more copeable.

For now just get through each day and each week. Focus on your lovely children and remember that your lovely Mum is always in your heart. She always will be with you, as you are part of her. She just can’t be with you in the same way.

Original poster

JBT27 · 24/08/2022 23:46

Thank you friendlycat, I know in my heart that it will get less raw in time, I actually can be making dinner, tidying up etc.. and I remember that she's not here anymore and the physical pain takes my breath away ... I have never experienced hurt like this .. who knew that your body can produce tears for so many days x

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Original poster

JBT27 · 24/08/2022 23:49

I'm also annoyed that I didn't do more with her, ask her more questions and tell her how very special she was to us all.

OP posts:

ItsAllSoBleak · 28/08/2022 20:49

@JBT27 I could have written your OP almost word for word except that I am a few weeks ahead of you. Situation is so similar.

I don't have children and I'm absolutely devastated. I am managing day to day but I can feel that I'm still in shock and that I'm deliberately avoiding thinking about the future because I don't think I can cope with considering 40 + years of life without my lovely mother. I don't think I want to live without her although I wouldn' t necessarily articulate that out loud to friends or family but that's how I feel.

Someone today recommended to me the documentary made by Rev Richard Coles on grief which I haven't yet seen but apparently it's helpful.

Original poster

JBT27 · 28/08/2022 23:35

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum, I totally get how you are feeling.... it is and I think always will be a physical pain that we will learn to live with.
Try to tell a friend or family member how awful you are feeling.
Ask yourself what your Mum would say to you?
I know my Mum would be telling me to stop crying and get on with my life (easier said than done, when you have constant regrets about things you should of said and asked ).
I think being able to connect with people going through the same, makes you feel less lonely and gives some sort of comfort.
I certainly will look up the documentary you mentioned and thank you for your nessage.

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ady1 · 28/08/2022 23:43

Hi, I lost my mum last year and time does help, the pain is still very much there but it becomes bearable as time goes on. I was 35 when she passed away and i do get a physical pain of having to spend the rest of my life without her and feeling this sadness for all that time but this is the hand we have been dealt and I know she would want me to lead a full and happy life.

Lots of love to everyone.

ItsAllSoBleak · 29/08/2022 19:16

Ask yourself what your Mum would say to you?

I know what she'd say because we talked about it. She knew how scared I was about life without her. She said this happens to almost everyone, its the natural order, you will be OK, I survived death of my mother and so on.

It doesn't help. I still feel like I'm just existing. I don't really want to "live" because I can't tell her about anything I do, she isn't here and I feel like what's the point. I don't mean that I want to kill myself before everyone starts worryng. I mean that I just have no interest in living and cant see any future joy.

Nothing has really happend to me so far because I've been just keeping my head down, doing day to day and the emotional pain is searing but I fear the greater pain of wanting to talk to her, tell her, ask her advice so much like I dont wnat to face it. So dont wnat to be in that position.

ItsAllSoBleak · 29/08/2022 19:17

@ady1 sorry for your loss. and hope you are doing ok.

Original poster

JBT27 · 31/08/2022 12:47

@ady1
Thank you for your message, I am sorry to hear about your Mum.
I know that the raw pain will ease as I know I'm better now 8 weeks on, than I was when she first passed. I think its realising I can't ask her things and knowing everything she is missing out on, that gets me time and time again. I went a day without crying and then got upset when I realised ....
Thanks again for your message and take care xx

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Original poster

JBT27 · 31/08/2022 13:37

@ItsAllSoBleak
Doing the everyday tasks are probably what keeps us going, as mentally we are able to do them without really thinking about it.
It's the constant forgetting then remembering that she's not here to ask things that I can't imagine ever getting my head round.
My Mum deteriorated so quickly that I never got the chance to discuss life without her. (I don't know if it would make any difference to how I feel now).

I visited her in hospital at 7pm and she was sitting up talking but a little breathless, at 12.30 that night a nurse called to tell us to come up .. and she was in so much discomfort and so weak she could barely speak. It hadn't entered my mind,as we were told that she was doing OK that she was going to die so soon.
It really hurts me that we were in the family room. ( my Mum wanted us to go as she was so exhausted) and she was alone in her final moments and the nurses hadn't even noticed she'd passed away ...I went to check on her and she was gone..... but she didn't look at peace she looked scared and like she'd been gasping for breath as her oxygen tube had came out her nose.
I wake at night with the image of her looking in so much pain and it breaks my heart that I wasn't there holding her hand.

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ady1 · 31/08/2022 16:00

@JBT27 Hi again, that sounds really awful and traumatic how you last saw ur mum, what are ur thought on talking to a professional about it and maybe they can help u with some coping mechanisms? I know it’s not for everyone though but might help.

My dad passed away a few years ago and sadly he was alone when he passed, it just couldn’t be helped we thought he was going to come home the next day but unfortunately it wasn’t meant to be. Xx

Purpleavocado · 31/08/2022 16:07

So sorry for your loss. It just takes time, I was still bursting into tears for about six months. Looking back on it, I should probably have seen my Dr, but it was during one of the lockdowns. I also had a lot of guilt, but I knew that my Mum would have told me not to be so silly. I'm sure your Mum would tell you to forgive yourself.

Kittyshopping · 31/08/2022 16:20

Sorry to hear you are hurting so much. It’s three years for me and I have moments when I can’t believe she's gone. My mum was so full of life but became ill suddenly and died within a few months. I’m more rational about it now, as I realise she was in her eighties and it was her time. I just didn’t see it coming. I think regret and remorse are normal, too. You are in the very early stages of mourning her. X

Gemswaitingfoottap · 31/08/2022 17:37

I am so sorry for your loss

Me and my siblings were all with my Mum when she passed and it wasn't peaceful and she didn't look peaceful after either. This strong, capable woman just looked so tiny in the hospital bed it belied belief.

She died 12 years ago and the physical pain sometimes still hits. We found that talking about her, telling her stories, talking about all the good stuff was helpful to us all. My youngest son doesn't remember her that well but we have photos and videos that we watch of her with them which helps make her real. We try to focus on the times we had with her, not the times she won't experience.

The thing that comforted all of us was imagining a conversation with her but knowing what she would say back because we knew her so well. Give yourself time. Find joy in the every day that she would have enjoyed too.

Original poster

JBT27 · 01/09/2022 12:51

@ady1 @Kittyshopping @Gemswaitingfoottap @Purpleavocado Thank you to you all x I can't believe so many of us are going through this everyday albeit in different stages . I honestly feel so annoyed that prior to this happening to myself I just gave the standard how are you? Sorry to hear about your Mum ? ...to people and just expecting them to be fine after the funeral.
I am going to ensure that I'm more compassionate to people from now on.
I am so grateful to everyone that has posted advice and told their heartbreaking stories as its good to know that im not alone and it's a normal part of grieving.
I do speak to my Mum all the time and she is constantly remembered in conversation and I think if I don't feel "better " soon I might look into counselling as away to get over the way she died.

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Againstmachine · 01/09/2022 18:43

Hi sorry for your loss, I lost my mum 4 weeks ago.

My mum we were told she had weeks left and a few days later she was gone.

I can't say it gets easier as I don't know but I hope it does.

My mum died in hospice and they were brilliant.

However same as you I have issues with the GP service and hospital service she had and that's part of the anger which is normal.

My thoughts are with you and I know how hard it is.

Fizbosshoes · 01/09/2022 19:33

sending love to everyone who has lost their mum recently My mum died 11 years ago when my DC were nearly 5 and 1. She died just before the school holidays and I literally felt I sleep-walked through the school holidays. Every outing I did with DC I wanted to tell her about and I still miss telling her about their achievements or funny things they've said or done. Exactly 6 months afterwards I did the journey to my dad's house (which was also part of the journey to the hospital) and it was the first time I hadn't re-lived/re-played the journey to the hospital the day she died. On the way home DS was sick and I got home and sorted him out and I had this realisation...I'm doing this myself, without calling mum, I can do life without her. (She probably visited about once a week - not to do childcare as she was too unwell but I relied on her reassurance, after having PND, that I was doing an OK job as a mum) There are still times that catch me unawares, and I miss sharing the highs and lows of life with her. It broke my heart this summer, that she didn't see DD look beautiful in her prom dress and I know she would have exploded with joy and told the whole neighbourhood about DDs gcse results. It does get less overwhelming x

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