My poor Dad 😔

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I think the reason I am here is just to get this out.

I have read through quite a few threads and i find it heart breaking how many people are going through this 💔

Some days I just don't know how to carry on or how I will carry on knowing my Dad is no longer here. He passed away 3 weeks ago.

He was ill for some time but I think we got so used to it that we stopped expecting his death. But then the worst happened and we were told he had a few weeks ... he died within 12 days of that awful news. In those 12 days his decline was rapid and it was quite scary and so upsetting to see him like that.

I feel guilty. I was the last to see him about 2/3 hours before he passed. I didn't not know nor expect him to be dead when I woke that morning. The visions I have/ the trying to remember what my last words were/if I gave him a kiss are killing me inside. Going to bed and leaving him alone where he died alone is torture for me - I wish so much I had of realised he was in his last few hours and I had of stayed with him. Even things like wakening up with a dry mouth, I hate that that's how sore his mouth must of been because he was barely drinking. Visions of him in the COR.

My Dad dying is the last thing I think of at night and the first thing that comes to me when I open my eyes in the morning. I keep having nightmares & night terrors.

At this moment in time I can't imagine getting back to normal life. I find myself engrossed in my phone and forgetting for a couple of minutes then it hits me all over again.

I find myself wishing that he would come back and wanting to talk to him just one last time.

I hate this awful physical ache that I have in me 😔

I'm sorry for what you're going through x I can't imagine life without my dad. I have no advice but your pain must be enormous. Here for a handhold if you need it x

I am so sorry for what you have been through. It sounds similar to my dad's illness and death. I know that emotionally you feel like you've been shot and run over at the same time.

So this might seem hard to believe but....it gets better. It really does. And you recover.

I was fortunate to have the knowledge that many people wait till everyone's left the room before they depart. Nevertheless, I did feel bad for a while. I didn't have much choice because I had to look after my mum so had to leave the hospice. But it bothered me - should we have made other arrangements? But no, it's better the way it was.

This bit is awful. I wish I could take your pain away. But honestly, it dissipates. And those moments when you are distracted by your phone? Embrace them. Laughing at silly things is important.

I did have to shake off the images of the weeks of suffering, yes, I made a conscious effort. Our dads don't want us damaged by dwelling on it.

Big hugs to you.

I'm very sorry about your Dad, you sound like you loved him very much and I'm sure he knew that.
My DD15 lost her dad last year and her grief has been indescribable, but somehow, here we are, 13 months down the road. It's been a long slow journey but time does keep moving forward and we remember him in many ways and openly chat and laugh about him.
He wouldn't want us to be moping about, he was very much a live life well man.
Take comfort from the love you shared and remember all the good times, time will pass albeit very slowly at times. xx