Service conundrum (religious versus not)

[OuiOuiMonAmi]

My mum died a few days ago. Neither she, nor my dad or sisters are religious. But my uncle (Mum's DB) is very religious. Mum and her DB were extremely close and I feel he has almost as much of a say in the funeral as we do, maybe?

Anyway, we have agreed on a mixed service - God can be mentioned and there can be a short prayer as long as it's acknowledged that not everyone at the service needs to take part in the prayer but it won't be a traditional Christian service. (we have agreed on no hymns or bible readings). I think we've managed to do this sensitively and that it should cater for all of us.

Here's my problem though - my dad and sisters are able to just ignore the religion part (they can think 'this part isn't for me' and just push it aside). But I am vehemently atheist and I am SO angry at the idea of anyone at the service being asked to worship a being that would allow my mum to have such an awful death (she had cancer THREE times!) This is very selfish of me - if my uncle can sit through the non-religious parts then of course I have to sit through the religious parts... but I'm just not sure how to cope with that and to move past it. As soon as I think about the idea of God being mentioned, I get so overwhelmingly angry and start physically shaking. I need to find a way past this so that I don't spend the rest of my life feeling angry about her service. This might not be the right forum for this but I suppose I wondered if anybody had been through anything similar?

I am so sorry for the loss of your mum @OuiOuiMonAmi. I don't think you are being selfish. You are being human. Anger is part of the grieving process. It can be "easier" than accepting the raw pain of losing your mum.

Be angry at god/ the concept of god. Let it out here. Or in your back yard. Or in the middle of nowhere where you can scream and rage as much as you need. And then grieve with your family in the mixed service.

Condolences to you and your family.

I have been through similar.
I wanted more of a humanist service, but to be held in the very local village church - where my relative was highly regarded, had fundraised and also to give comfort somehow, to save people having to make an arduous journey to a big city.

The organisers were rather thrown but got around it by including one hymn and a prayer, but like you, I utterly struggled with the religious elements, it felt abhorrent somehow. I just had to let my mind try and black out those bits. Apologies that isn’t much help.

Funerals only exist to benefit the living. The talk of God doesn’t need to have any connection to your mum in your mind, try to see it as a quaint story for the benefit of your uncle. You don’t need to believe it to acknowledge that the story / idea of religion can bring some people comfort.

It’s a bit like passing round a tin of biscuits. You might not like all of them, but don’t bin the ones you’re not keen on, they might make someone else happy. They probably don’t like the biscuits that are your favourites, but that’s ok, you have both eaten.

Sorry for your loss.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your thoughts/advice and sorry for those of you who went through something similar

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum a year and a half ago and anger is just one of a very wide range of emotions you're going to experience. I'm a Christian (my mum was too) and we had a thanksgiving of life service which was lovely and just what mum wanted.

Do you know what your mum's wishes would have been? It's nice to honour your uncle's wishes but really it boils down to what your mum would have wanted, as you're honouring your mum and her life. Its her day! In time to come, it'll help you to know you did what she would have wanted.

I hope, despite it all, you're able to have a good family time of sharing your love for her and for each other.

Thanks, Sproutingpotatoes! As far as what my mum wanted, that's the tricky bit - my mum wasnt religious but she would want to please everyone equally! The only thing she stipulated is that she wanted the service not to be miserable and upsetting any more than necessary. I think we have finally come to a good compromise though - a humanist service but with time to pray for anybody who wants to. I feel far more peaceful with this now. Thanks again for all your thoughts.