Losing both parents in 4 months - anyone else?

[PollyIndia]

As above really. Dad died suddenly 2 weeks ago, mum in march after a short illness, though we didn't realise it was end of life. This time last year, they were both fine (well aside from mum's anxiety around covid) and DS was about to go stay with them, the last time he ever did.
Anyone else been through this or similar? It's just me and DS too, so I'm scared, and sad, and I feel completely adrift.

Not the same, I lost my sister last december and my mum in early feb this year. Neither unexpected although Mum was really quick in the end. I do still have a sibling and a husband and 2 kids. My Dad died 20 years ago.

But I have felt fairly cast adrift ever since really. The first couple of months I felt like I was in a washing machine and didn't know which way was up.

I look at pictures and think about things from my childhood and feel very sad there's only 2 of us who really know anything about it. I feel untethered knowing there is no one 'above' me in my family so to speak (even tho Mum had dementia).

I would say, as far as you can, please please be easy on yourself. I don't know how old your DS is, or what your work/life set up is, but be as kind to yourself as you possibly can be. I have a lot of friends locally and they were all keen to meet/go for walks etc. Everything was in pencil. I had no qualms of cancelling arrangements with virtually no notice if I just wanted to lie on the sofa and cry, or sleep. Everyone understood. Even now there are certain social groups I haven't really rejoined, eg bookclub.

But then again there are some things where I think it will do me good - playing tennis for example, as you just get on with it and play, and park everything.

I found the initial grief literally exhausting physically, so as far as possible, rest, make easy food and give yourself as much of a cuddle as you can.

I really feel for you, it's so hard. Please feel free to pm if you wish.

So sorry for your loss

PIL died within 11 days of each other last year. FIL in particular was a shock but DH does have a sibling so wasn’t having to deal with everything himself.

There is support if you need to talk, or just need someone to listen. Did your parents have siblings you could reach out to? It is a shock when a loved one is no longer around, it’s a time you never really think will come, look after yourself.
www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/feelings-and-symptoms/grief-bereavement-loss/

So sorry to hear that OP. I lost both my parents within six weeks, first my mother, then my father. They were in their 80s and had both been unwell, so it wasn't completely unexpected, but still a big shock, plus happened during Covid lockdown so I didn't see them at the end. I think really my father was hanging on, because though he was more frail in many ways, he was worried about leaving my mother who had dementia. They'd been together for more than 50 years.

I hope you have some good friends around you. They may not know what to say, so if you don't hear from them, don't be afraid to reach out and ask for some company. I wonder also if your parents had any surviving friends who you might see from time to time, which might be nice for both of you.

And think about what your mum and dad would want for you, not so much now but in the future. Of course you're going to be terribly sad and the next few months will be tough, but there honestly will be a time when you can look back and the joy of having known them will overtake the sadness of losing them. It's true what the poem says: what will survive of us is love.

Thank you all.
I do have a sibling and we are lucky to have each other.
My friends have also been amazing and supportive. I run my own business, so there's not much respite from that, but equally it is a good distraction at times. DS is 9. I just feel desperate for the schools to go back as I think routine will help. That's also a shame though as usually I love the time together in the holidays.
I love that Larkin line, I had forgotten it, thank you owlcat. That sound tough. Covid has so much to answer for.
And losing a sibling must be so hard tactum. All your advice is good to hear thanks.
And Hesaliability, thanks, my mum has a sister who we will see Monday as she is coming to dad's funeral. I'm dreading it really, just seeing him go to join mum. Her funeral was only in April.

I lost mine together rta, 6 yrs ago

I am so sorry Nsky62, that just sounds unimaginably devastating.

Not my parents but my grandparents both died suddenly 3 weeks apart in the late 90's. It was horrific, at the start of the month they were both fit and healthy. My nana was still teaching something. At the end of the month they were both gone. My poor mum and her siblings. I'm not sure they've ever fully recovered from it. Big hugs to all who have been in this position, as a grandchild it was devastating, I can't imagine it being my parents. X

So sorry for your sad news. I know it's not the same but I lost my 2 Aunties and my Mum all within 4 months. My Mum dies last and honestly I was still numb from losing my 2 Aunties, neither of whom had any children and they were like second Mother's to me and my sister's. 8 years have passed but I still miss them all so much. Be gentle on yourself and please please let others help you.

It was and it wasn’t, glad they didn’t suffer, killed instantly and no one else involved

So sorry for these awful bereavements. I have not experienced more than one at a time, but my poor grandma lost two adult sons (one was my father), then her husband in the space of a year. For me it was a father, uncle and grandfather but as a child I was only really affected by my own father's death.

I’m so sorry to hear of how you’ve suffered such devastating losses in such a short space of time. What a tough thing for you to have to go through. Grief can be so difficult to navigate and when you have a double blow like that I think it can leave you feeling shocked and numb for quite some time.

My dad died suddenly this year. Both my brothers died separately a few years ago. It’s just me and my mum left now and I’m starting to feel very detached from everything, but I have to be there emotionally for my mum so I’ve really had to adapt my own feelings to cope with the entire situation. Unfortunately my husband has his own family issues at the moment so he’s not been able to support me in the way I need so switching off has been my only coping mechanism. I’ve done this with each loss and I’ve actually found the control completely essential to enable me to carry on “as normal”.

I actually think it’s something I managed to develop as a child due to bullying. Emotional control and closure protects the core.

Hey Pollyindia,
So sorry for your losses....what I find helps is remembering the funny times you had together..
All the messing about and jokes....also they really would not want you to be sad......but if you feel like bawling your eyes out just do it....don't do anything you don't feel like doing.....if you don't want to answer the phone or door don't....if you don't want to accept invitations don't.....just give yourself massive amounts of me time in order to heal.....I think I know exactly how you feel....I lost my husband of 35 years together mid March and then shockingly/ unexpected my father May exactly 2 months apart this year....so within the space of 8 weeks..I also have DS ,9 years and DS 19 years......holding it together for them just about........coping mechanism is to block it out...and tiny bit by tiny bit think about them......feel free to message me....sending hugs!! Stay strong!!
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I’m so sorry for your loss, I understand to an extent how you’re feeling but I’m slightly removed. My FIL died in the August followed by my MIL in the March. It’s heartbreaking for everyone. Try to take care of yourself even if it’s locking yourself in the bathroom to let it out and have a cry.

My dh, only child, lost his parents 6 weeks apart and both were unexpected. He was numb for about a year then he had counselling. He feels that after this he was able to process it all. It was 20 years ago.

So sorry for your loss. What you are experiencing is totally normal. In the past few years I’ve lost both parents, both in laws, close Aunty and a brother. DH is an only child, and we have 2 single adult sons. We have friends, but but close friends, so basically it’s just us with my single brother. We used to have big family gatherings several times a year and it’s quite sad that it’s just us.

I lost my parents within 3 months of each other too, it was awful.
Im 2 years on but it’s still hard. I like to celebrate their birthdays and other milestones which has helped a lot to reinforce that they don’t cease to exist because they aren’t here.
I also take a lot of comfort in my brother, he has the best traits of both my parents.

Lost my Mum and Dad six months apart, a couple of years ago.

I look at pictures and think about things from my childhood and feel very sad there's only 2 of us who really know anything about it. I feel untethered knowing there is no one 'above' me in my family so to speak (even tho Mum had dementia).
^ this, I feel oddly adrift (Mum and Dad divorced when I was small and there's nobody left on Mum's side), like my childhood is sort of gone.

switching off has been my only coping mechanism. I’ve done this with each loss and I’ve actually found the control completely essential to enable me to carry on “as normal”.

I actually think it’s something I managed to develop as a child due to bullying. Emotional control and closure protects the core.

This too, I've since had something else crop up - a seriously ill friend - and at first I was very upset but bizarrely glad that "having feelings" still worked... and then it was as if some fuse blew inside me and I was back to numb stoicism again. I don't feel I've grieved properly for either of them, it's just been this glacially slow, seeping background sadness.
And yes I was bullied as a kid too.

It is very common though. My Dad lost both his parents within a year of each other when he was a kid. Doesn't mean it isn't devastating though.

Mine died exactly a week apart from entirely different causes. It's very shocking and takes a long time to really sink in.

Not quite the same, but lost my Sister and then my Mum within 4 months of each other (Dad died a few years before). Still find things hard 6 years on.

@PollyIndia I am so so sorry for your loss. Not the same but I lost my dad 3 weeks ago. We are very worried about my Mum. I know what you mean about the summer hols. Where I am schools went back already but my poor dd didn't get much of a hol. My dad was given weeks to live and died 12 days later and I have spent most of the summer hols in a blur of sadness and grief. Now schools are back I can only just about muster up the energy to do the school run. I understand you are sad and scared. It truly is awful and for you to lose both your parents, I really am so sorry that you are going through that. Please take care of yourself and know that you are not alone. ❤️

Not the same but my partner of many years was dx in Feb & died in March.
My Mother was dxd in April & died in May (last of my family too)
A 'double blow' is very hard to process.

Hi. I lost both my parents (aged 68 and 72) last year. Just two weeks apart.
I still haven’t got over it and don’t think I ever will.