How to support friend

[Thefajita]

I got a message from a friend today to say her son died unexpectedly at the weekend and she will be in touch later. I’ve obviously messaged to let her know how sorry I am, but was wondering if any of you who have experienced a similar loss and are comfortable to discuss it could provide tips on how to support her. I want to be supportive but also to respect her privacy, so for example I want her to know I’m thinking of her but am aware she may feel the need to respond to messages etc. and don’t want to overwhelm her. Also any tips for practical help would be appreciated- I don’t live locally so things like preparing meals won’t really work.
I would genuinely appreciate any help, and offer my condolences to you on your loss(es).

Oh your poor friend.

Can you ask her what she needs from.you at all? Let her tell you so you get it right.

You can send her a voucher for Cook. They do very good quality frozen meals and deliver to most of the UK so she can order what she fancies.

Keep sending messages, and tell her there is no need to reply.

When you go to visit, take easy to eat food with you, something like a cooked chicken, a quiche or soup. You have no appetite, but if something can be picked at from the fridge at least it's fuel.

Keep in mind that it's virtually impossible to make decisions in the immediate aftermath and shock, so don't expect her to tell you what she needs you to do, instead offer. e.g I'm going the supermarket on the way over, what can I get you? Let me put the hoover over when I come round etc, that sort of thing.

Expect her to be exhausted, I had no idea bereavement was so tiring, and sleep didn't often find me.

Keep any platitudes to yourself. So no 'at least he didn't ( fill in the blanks) ' or 'he's your gaurdian angel now' unless you know for sure she has a strong faith.

And above all, keep on keeping in touch.

And just listen. And hug.

This is all brilliant advice and just what I was after, thank you so much for sharing this with me.

You sound like a lovely thoughtful friend @Thefajita

Grief is a very personal thing. Some people want to be left alone whilst some find comfort in getting messages or wanting to meet. This preference can change over time too.

When I lost my ds recently, my friends were my absolute rocks and are still helping me now in different ways. These are things that I found helped:

• Whatever you do - don't ignore her or go silent after the initial message of condolence. This is the most upsetting thing I personally found with some people

• In the early days and initial weeks - if you live close by, drop over some homemade meals, or ready meals, or bags of essential groceries and snacks. Leave it outside her front door so that she is not obliged to answer and talk. If you can do this more than once, even better. In the early stages of grief, just doing the simple stuff like cooking and cleaning seems like the most monumental task, and as @Wotagain said, she may not even think to ask this.

• text her regularly (perhaps not every day though) - to let her know that you are simply thinking of her and sending her love.

• Do not ask her any details about exactly how her ds passed away or any other intrusive questions. But do acknowledge that she is going through an unimaginable loss

• Let her know that you are there for her to run errands or to look after her dc if you are able to

• When you text, state that you are not expecting an answer (it is likely she will be overwhelmed with messages)

• If you are thinking of sending flowers - check that is what she wants. Maybe she may prefer a donation to a charity

• When she is organising his funeral - let her know if you can help with any arrangements (if you want to)

• She may find it comforting to recall fond memories of her ds, and if so, don't be afraid to talk about it. Be guided by her. Don't completely sidestep and avoid talking about her ds either.

• Give her a big hug. Don't be afraid to cry. Don't be afraid to let her cry. Sometimes it just helps to be there to listen.

• If she doesn't respond for a while, don't take it personally. Keep messaging every so often to let her know you are still there for her and thinking of her

• Do offer to take her out for a walk or invite her over for coffee. One of my v good friends kept me sane by saying that she was going to go for a walk at Xpm that day or the following day and that she was going to pick me up and we could walk in the nearby parks or woodlands. She did this several times and is still doing it now - I've found it a godsend and I love her for it.

• Realise that she will never 'get over' her grief and her loss. It will always be there sadly and she will think about her ds every day of her life.

I hope this list is not too overwhelming!

Lots of good advice above. When dd1 died the most helpful/ supportive people:

• text to say they wanted me to know they were here for me and would keep texting but no need to reply


• didn’t try to fix the problem. Said ‘I’m sorry this is so so shit’ and not ‘I can’t imagine how you feel’ or ‘it’s every parent’s worst nightmare’


• rallied around and sent food from Cook/ other ready meals


• provided some normality when I was ready


• realised that the period from death the funeral is intense. Not knowing the circs for your friend, but we had weeks of a coroner etc being involved and investigations with the hospital. Once the funeral was done it felt like everyone else returned to normal life and we never would


• still use dd’s name and mention her in conversation, 3.5 years on

Acknowledge life events such as your friend's birthday, her ds' birthday, her other children's birthdays, mothers day, fathers day, Xmas, Exam results day, back to school days etc - will be days that your friend will find very hard - particularly in the first year and then for every subsequent year. She will again appreciate a message that you are thinking of her - and if she is able to - she may appreciate you meeting up or a phone call. Again be guided by her,

Don't say 'let me know if there is anything I can do'. Everyone says this but it is hard to think of things to ask people to do.
Instead say things like - I am dropping some food around to you, or would you like me to do a photo board/order of service/drive you to the service, would you like to go for coffee on Thursday etc. Or whatever it is you can think of that you can do and she might like. And keep messaging after the funeral and into the future when all the kerfuffle has finished.

Be present for her. Call her, text her, do stuff with her, keep her company, ask ‘how are you?’ Or ‘how are you doing?’ Or ‘how are things?’ Simple questions but ask them in a way that she can about her feelings if she wants but alternatively can also gloss over it and talk about normal, distracting stuff if that helps her better. Just hold open that safe space where she can talk if she needs to.

don’t avoid the subject if she wants to talk, don’t close her down if she cries. Be patient and tolerant. No one shows their best self when grieving.

Offer real human contact - call or face-to-face - if she can’t talk she won’t respond but the actual human outreach means a lot. Text rather as a second-line approach or to ask if she would like to talk in person.

Rather than thinking about what you can do for her, another way to think of your support is as standing alongside her (metaphorically) and walking with her through the days and weeks of grief. The key is to be present and available.

Keep in touch. Don't feel like calling or messaging is instrusive.
It's an absolutely shit time and knowing people care is huge. If she doesn't want to answer or reply, she doesn't have to.

When my sister died I was in complete and utter shock and unable to communicate at all
Most friends understood and still sent messages with the caveat that I did not have to reply but that they were shocked and so sorry and thinking of me etc

i had a couple of friends who kept trying to call me and insisting I contact them. This did not help me as I ignored them (I totally understand they were worried but I was and to some extent still am completely shocked about what happened)

you sounds like you are a good friend just be there for her when she needs you and if she ever posts on social media saying please can someone go for a long walk with her please make the time