Not a bereavement but maybe a pending one

[Mykidsaregrown]

I didn’t know where else to go with this. So apologies if it’s not relevant to you guys. I just can’t talk about this with anyone.

march 2021 my mum was diagnosed with stage 4 bowel cancer that had spread to her liver. They gave her 18 months to 3 years to live. She underwent chemo and we put her on cannabis oil. Long story short, the treatment was a success and they operated in December. It was a success and she was declared cancer free and a medical miracle.

now that was an absolute rollercoaster of a year. To try and fathom losing my mum. Then to be told she was ok was overwhelming.

she has gone in to hospital again yesterday and they said her appendix was inflamed. Antibiotics were prescribed. Jobs a good’n.

however they have scanned her. And 4 months after a clear scan they have said her liver has lesions and her cancer may be back.

she had a horrific time with the surgery and I nursed her throughout. She vowed she won’t go through that again.

I just don’t know where else to go with these emotions. I’m not ready to go through it again. I know that sounds so selfish because it’s my mum who will go through it all but the emotional toil was so much I don’t think I can be the strong one again.

I am sorry to read this. You sound lovely. We all have more strength than we realise. I hope things go well for you and your mum.

I completely understand OP
My father died from a complicated set of things, including cancer.

At one point, when I was sure death was coming, they said their best case scenario was him being bed bound, needing 24 hour care, needing blood transfusions and other treatments at least three times a week.

I began looking for a care home place. But as I did it, I thought - actually, I can't cope with this.

Looking back, I actually regret having cared so much for him. I lost a vital part of my life looking after him, however small it may seem to some. My life was going well. Looking after him seemed the morally right thing to do at the time - but it did nothing but damage me.

Every single day he'd say "I am so sorry I am putting you through this". I told him not to be silly - but I actually really appreciated the words, which I know he meant.

I think you need a plan in place that doesn't just rely on you looking after your mum.

I really feel for you.

Do keep posting if it helps to chat to people who have been there - many have.

You are lovely and I am so sad you are having such a hard time 😢

Thank you for your support, I really didn’t know where to go to talk about this. Knowing that this scenario isn’t unique to me is a great comfort and I’m sorry for the loss you have all suffered.
maybe I’m in denial at the moment as she isn’t on her death bed. She’s still very much herself but I know what is coming and I can’t let her do it without me. I’m better when I’m useful but I know that by being useful I will block the emotional side out.
I did that last year and suffered in the long run.

I just don’t know how else to be?

I’m dreading the future all over again.

god I sound so self absorbed. It’s not me who is facing death in the next couple of years but I’m dreading the struggle of it. I can’t imagine a world without my mum in it. She’s only 63.

do I suck it up and get on with it and deal with myself when she’s gone or do I run the risk of feeling my feelings and letting them overwhelm me and becoming useless to her?

sorry again for the big over share but I don’t know where else I can say this without worrying anyone xx

I think you have to wait until the Drs tell you just what’s happening with your mum and only then can you decide what you’re able to do for her. I think however that right now you’re just very scared and upset and when the time comes to be part of your mums care you’ll be able to do it, and move on from it afterwards.

I am very sorry op.

OP "do I suck it up and get on with it and deal with myself when she’s gone or do I run the risk of feeling my feelings and letting them overwhelm me and becoming useless to her?"

There's a balance. When the person in the bed in front of you needs help, you sound like me - you'll have to help.

what I should have done was row it back and get more outside help. It is a very personal choice, but the advice of "outside help" is advice I'd give anyone.

also, please don't make the mistake I made and think "how can I sit and laugh at something on TV" for example. You will benefit from that. It's a thing I learned two days before dad went, unfortunately.

a friend who lost both parents to cancer gave me the wise advice - "are YOU okay, you the unit, separate from anyone else?" That is important.

so ironic that I only learned separate myself before the death. Try not to take on the suffering. It's too big a burden to take two lots of suffering.

I’m so sorry op.
Once you get more information from the medical team, could you, your mum and any other family members have an open discussion about her wishes and how you can best support them? You’ll need to think about what you’re willing and able to do and be very honest at that point.
Also think about practical things that can be organised now to make the future easier, no matter how long she’s with you for - do you have power of attorney in place? What about her will, wishes for her funeral etc? Do you know where all of her important documents, passwords etc are?

Oh goodness op - what a roller coaster of emotions you must be going through. Take some time for yourself. - when my friend was going through a similar time with her dad she reached out to me and our friendship group and each and every one of us was happy and willing to offer support - please reach out for some real life help.

Take one day at a time, right now you’re in shock and thinking of the future and all the different possible scenarios. Just think about today and what can be done today.

Keep posting on here - there’s honestly such a good online support network.

Be kind to yourself.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s so incredibly hard
Can I suggest that you Google ‘anticipatory grief’, it made such a lot of sense to me when I was facing similar ❤️

So sorry to hear this OP. I lost my Mum to melanoma a few years ago and found the period when she was unwell the most challenging. It's also hard to think forward to that time without her - my mum was only 56 and I'm now going through my first pregnancy without her; I was definitely grieving that before she actually passed away.
Your comment about feeling selfish really resonated with me - both my parents had cancer and when I talked about it with my Dad he actually felt it was easier to be the one with cancer. That doesn't mean it's not hard for your Mum, but it's just as hard for you.
If you can afford it, some counselling might be really helpful to give you a safe space to process your emotions. I definitely felt I had to be strong and positive for my mum, and needed a space away from her to deal with everything (slightly easier for me as I live a few hours away).
Please post for support, this bit is hard and awful xxx

It’s really hard when know someone you love is going to deteriorate. Really bloody hard. A living nightmare in fact.

You will get through it. You don’t want to, and you probably feel like it’s too big and too much and like you just want to press the stop/rewind button back to a time when this wasn’t even a thing. But you will somehow put one foot in front of the other and get through it. Even though you know what “getting through” really means.

In my experience I needed to be alone to not be mummy or daughter or sister or auntie or wife or anything else, just me. An hour in the car, a walk first thing with no one around, an excuse to stay home whilst the rest of the fam goes out… I so needed that time to switch off.

Do you have a hospice near you? They offer so much more than just end of life care, and we found that the support for family members was really strong and a godsend tbh.

I remember the sinking desperation feeling so well. But you will have special times in this next phase too. You will love harder than you think is possible. A wise lady once told me that this will “shape who you are yet to become” when my parent has a shock terminal diagnosis. She was right. It was horrendous, but it taught me that life is so very precious and that it was a privilege to have time to say what we needed to say and to love as hard as we could. I found gratitude more useful than hope.

Wishing you and your dear mum all the best op

Thank you all so much for your guidance. It’s so good to know I’m not alone xx