Suicide of a sibling

[UnbearableLoss]

It's been a month now and I feel like there's an expectation for me to be back to normal now but I'm not.

I think about my brother all the time. He's always in my head. Memories from when we were children and more recent ones, what he would say in any particular situation, music he often listened to, is this something he would watch, what if I'd said this, what if I'd tried harder, what if he could have clung on a bit longer and got better and I'd have him back, the horrible realisation that this is it.

It's like a hidden torture because I'm getting on with the day to day but when I'm alone the tears take over. I've started writing to him because I want to record my feelings but that's always upsetting too because I just wish he'd turn up so I could speak to him instead.

When does it get easier

I haven’t experienced losing a sibling through suicide, I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am on the loss of your brother. I have gone through a very close family bereavement this year and I would say that only one
month after losing your brother is very very early days, let the tears take over.

Hi, firstly I am so sorry that this has happened.
I lost my beautiful, kind, funny brother to suicide about 2 and a half years ago and time really does help. In the early days it was like I was obsessed with my brother, I couldn’t get him out of my head, the grief took over everything. Honestly I thought I would die from the pain.
Now that some time has passed I can look at photos of him and not cry, the family can talk about funny times with him. It all feels a lot less overwhelming. Sometimes I still have moments when I can’t quite believe that this is real and that I actually won’t see him again on this earth, and it’s just so fucking sad.
A month into your grief is nothing, ride the waves, cry as much as you need to. One day you won’t wake up thinking of him immediately, I promise you it does get easier. We are amazing and resilient and you will feel pure joy again one day. I feel happy often now, I laugh my head off sometimes and I honestly thought I would never laugh again. Lastly, none of this is your fault. You never knew this would actually happen. It is not your fault!
Sending so so much love ❤️

I haven't lost a sibling, but i still think of my family member every few weeks and at least momentarily at most family meet ups, its been 22 years.

I‘m so so sorry for your loss, Unbearable. And yes, it does feel unbearable in the early stages.
There‘s a really good book on this called ‚An Empty Chair:Living in the Wake of a Sibling’s Suicide. What we found good was the recognition that siblings can often have pretty complex relationships that differ hugely from parent-child relationships, and these can feed into how you feel afterwards so you can end up fighting a mass of contradictory feelings. It will slowly get better, and it will get to the point where it’s no longer dominating your life. The ‚what if‘ moments are inevitable, but you have to let them go and accept that he was responsible for his own actions.
Is there a suicide support group in your area, or maybe a virtual one? Some people find that helpful.
Best of luck with the mist difficult of journeys.

Thank you @Pegsmum

@louise475 that is so true, I can't get him out my head at all it's so intense. In the beginning the grief actually exhausted me but now I'm having so many sleepless nights because it's my quiet time to think about him and deal with everything that's been going on in my head all day. Thank you for your words of wisdom - I'm so sorry you had to go through this too.

@dudsville I actually hate the family gatherings. I always would have guessed this would bring a family closer due to the shared trauma but I can't get over him not being there. He was my ally in a family full of big characters and now he's gone.

@ItsOnlyWordsInnit thank you for that book recommendation I will look into getting that. I bought another one hoping for some sage words of wisdom but my first impression isn't good. It was mainly for my dad tbh as he's said he wants counselling which I was pleased about because he has a history of depression too but there's nothing available locally. I can see there is another The Empty Chair that is for anyone left behind so I may try both. It's really nice to hear the relationship of siblings be acknowledged. My parents are going through an unimaginable loss but I'm really fucking sad that I have to live without him for such a long time now. Like when I'm their age he will have been out of my life for 40 years and just writing that makes me cry.

Thanks for the replies all. So good to get this out of my head.

I'm so sorry to hear about your DB. My eldest DB took his own life 17 years ago this month (wow, I can't believe it's that long, literally just realised 😳)

what if I'd tried harder, what if he could have clung on a bit longer and got better and I'd have him back, the horrible realisation that this is it.

I can totally relate to this. I was in my 20s when it happened and it was the first time in my life I experienced something I couldn't 'put right'. Death/grief is so totally consuming and brutal, I'm sorry you're going through this OP. I'm an atheist but after my DBs death I instantly understood peoples desire for an afterlife...something...anything that meant it wasn't forever.

I'm not sure when the 'all-consuming' stopped; I still think about my DB a lot, but not with overwhelming sadness anymore if that makes sense? I can think about the daft things he did, the times we had together, the petty arguments we had - none of these thoughts make me sad/guilty anymore. My mum though still can't talk about him without filling up though, it's a very personal thing.

Be kind to yourself op, give yourself time - suicide brings with it a unique set of emotions I think - the constant 'what-ifs?' but with time comes acceptance...you've got a long, shitty road ahead but I promise, one day, you'll be able to speak his name without getting upset. Get as much support as you can

@lemmein atheist here too, but comforted by the thought he is with me in spirit and been to light a candle in church. I'm sorry you lost your DB in the same circumstances.

I'm relieved in some way to know that this is par for the course. I think I keep most of my sadness private but assumed my DP would be aware I'm not over it but he was surprised when I was upset about it today and asked if I needed antidepressants. I personally don't have a problem with depression so was surprised he would assume sadness one month after my DB dying could be down to depression. Sadness is a totally normal reaction and I think I would be racked with guilt if I felt anything other than it right now. It's probably my doing because I don't share enough but a) I cry everytime and can't get my words out anyway and b) I feel like I'm boring him going over the same stuff. He isn't bored and doesn't react in a way that should make me think that, I just usually keep my feelings private...what an amazing outlet mumsnet is for me 😁

Just a hand hold here to let you know your not alone. I lost my sister to suicide two months ago and feel exactly like you describe. It feels like the world just keeps on turning for everyone else while we're stuck in this nightmare. Lots of guilty feelings and what if's and I think with suicide people just don't know what to say so say nothing but saying anything is better than nothing, otherwise it feels like our loss is being ignored. I get comfort from hearing other people's journeys and how they come out of it the other side. Sending love to you and everyone else that is grieving.

Thanks @Naughtybutnice76 I'm so sorry about your sister. It's just so sad isn't it. I've actually this week been contacted by a few people who are really well meaning and kind but I don't want to open up about it as people usually say the wrong thing. I think suicide is difficult to comprehend and I've found more reassuring posts on here than I have in the real world. I find writing to my DB a big help to be honest, pouring my feelings out. Horribly upsetting but I feel like it's being acknowledged properly this way.

Hi, I just wanted to pass on an organisation that can put you in touch with other people who have lost siblings, including those through suicide. Both me and my mum have been in touch with them since we lost my brother (not to suicide but was sudden and unexpected so it helped to reach out to others)
www.tcf.org.uk/
It's been two years for me and I am only just starting to feel life again. Time does help as you learn to exist with the new reality. I am not the same person but I am living again and in some ways have a new passion for life as I don't want to waste it. It has pushed me to make some life changes that I don't think I would have made otherwise. I think my brother would be proud.
I still consider myself 'newly bereaved' so please go easy on yourself and take care to take things slowly and carefully. You will get through this.

Thank you so much for this post. I lost my mum six weeks ago - she'd lived a long and happy life, but gosh it doesn't make it any easier.

I can't imagine the pain you're going through OP, but hopefully it will ease slightly, bit by bit. Sending huge virtual hugs to you

I'm so sorry about your loss. That is so sad.
It's such early days. You just have to go along with trying to do whatever feels like is the best thing for you to do. There is no correct way to grieve.

If time goes on and you find that you are still really struggling then you could try some councelling to see if they can help you process things. They can't take away the pain but they can help you understand your feelings.

I lost my brother last month and I can’t see how things will get better. I need my brother. I miss him so much. I found becoming a mother very hard with my LO and my brother was there for us. I still can’t believe he’s gone. My baby and I found him, I tried to wake him up and I couldn’t. And I keep replaying it in my mind. I need my brother so much. I just hate how sad he must have been feeling. I feel like a huge let down. I knew he wasn’t feeling great himself but I was consumed in myself and he was there helping me but I clearly wasn’t helping him. I never told him how much I loved him

I'm so sorry for your loss @RainyDayyy and I'm truly sorry you found your brother. I can't offer too many words of wisdom as it's still so incredibly raw. I write regularly now to let out my feelings out and day to day I try to push all thoughts away. It isn't easy and possibly isn't healthy but it gets me through the day and I do allow myself outlets, I just try to dictate when they happen! It helps me deal with my family life which I have to, but when I'm alone I feel my heart break all over again. I can see how my grief has changed. It hurts no less but I manage it better. Nothing will stop the overwhelming need to see him again and how distraught I am at not seeing him but I do manage to compartmentalise to a degree so I can function on a day to day that I was unable to just a month ago.

Hang in there @Rainny and please don't overanalyse what you could have done. My own DB had been unwell for some time. We really tried to help but ultimately that failed and I still go through what I could have done to help but I know that really it was beyond anything I could make a difference to.

So sorry OP. I lost my favourite cousin during the pandemic and couldn't attend the funeral as it involved travel and was heavily pregnant. Still haven't grieved

Thank you for your reply. It’s hard. I’m sorry for what you are also going through, something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Until you actually go through it yourself you don’t realise how much pain it brings. I hope my brother is at peace, I hope yours is too. Wherever they are, I hope they’re ok. I hope they know they are loved, thought about and deeply missed. No matter how gutted and heartbroken we are, most of all I hope they found peace xxx

Sorry for your loss.

Hi Op, I lost my DB to suicide 18 years ago. It took me about 12 months for the crushing daily sadness to pass. After that I became very angry with him for many things. The anger took many years to pass and still sometimes reappears.
As I look back now, I can’t really remember the events themselves from the day it happened to the funeral. I think I’ve blanked them out.
I used to write to DB too. It did get easier as I kept writing. The tears slowed and then stopped. And then one day I found myself writing about him positively - his favourite foods, music etc and things we did or watched together. I threw away all the grief letters and kept the happy written memories. The other thing that helped was to talk to him out loud when I was home alone and about him with my family. It really helped - very cathartic. We talk happily about him now but it took many years for that to be possible. Now I am only sad if I hear a particular song or on big occasions. The rawness is gone. More often than not I laugh when I see a particular bird as I feel he is checking ip in with me.
The guilt has left me now but that is very recent, only the last 2 years.
Life does get better but it takes time. Your DP should read about sibling grief too, they will
need to be much more supportive as the months and years pass.
There is a passage that I found that describes it well, I will try to find it and post it.
Take care of yourself and don’t try to minimise or hide what you feel to make other comfortable. Grief does need expression.

This is the passage - I don’t know the source but it is exactly how I have found grief to be across time:
I'm old. What that means is that I've survived and a lot of people I've known and loved did not.

I wish I could say you get used to people dying. But I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it.

Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.

As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.

The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too.

If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.

Thank you for sharing

I also lost my brother to suicide a year last March. I think of him every day but you won't start to feel like life is any easier until at least 18 months into it.

I’m so very sorry for your loss. It’s such a cruel illness and it’s not something you could ever have influenced. That’s what makes it so cruel and sadly incredibly common. Please be kind to yourself and do nice things even if you don’t feel like it. Lots of love and good thoughts from this stranger on the Internet.

@UnbearableLoss
I will never have to go through what has happened to you as I am an only child. I think the worst thing that could happen to me would be the suicide of one of my children.
So I cannot possibly know how you feel.
Another poster has mentioned a support organisation called The Compassionate Friends, but there is another one I am aware of, (but must stress that I have had no personal dealings with), called Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide, or S.O.B.S.
All I can do is send you some , as I have no words that will be of any help - I truly wish I did x

You're dealing with grief and guilt with suicide. The grief is gradual and it will always be there but it gets more manageable over time.

Counselling can really help with the guilt though. Once you're able to accept that this is not your fault and stop the what if playing on repeat in your brain it sometimes helps with the grief too.

My sibling died two years ago. It never goes away to be honest. I remember seeing a picture describing grief. Basically the grief stays the same size and you grow as a person around it. So it feels smaller but in reality it's always there.