Dreading it

[timanddaisy]

My DMum died suddenly after a very short illness a couple of weeks ago.

We've put everything in motion and DDad has been amazing. He's asked me to say a few words at DM's funeral and I have to say that I am absolutely dreading it.

I'm very used to public speaking and have no worries about that. It's just the thought of going to pieces in front of everyone I know. I hate showing my emotions at the best of times!! Doing it in front of a large crowd is my worst nightmare.

I know I wld regret it if I didn't say anything & so not doing it isn't an option.

I didn't have the closest relationship with DM (not awful - just she cld be challenging and we wound one another up). I have no idea what to say. All the online elegies about are totally not me & my Mum. What do I bloody say??!

Any wise words? Any tips?

Keep it brief.
Use words and phrases that feel genuine and authentic to you.
Think of maybe 4 or 5 things you can say about her, don't say anything judgemental but you can be honest.
Practice reading it aloud and be prepared to pause if you start feeling choked up.
Good luck.

Yes keep it short.

Can you think of something you did together once that you can recount? Some sort of holiday or present or outing or something where she comes off looking good, or you just had a good time?

And yes, make sure it's genuine. It's ok to admit neither of you were perfect.

I know exactly what you mean about being scared but knowing you would regret it if you didn't. Best of luck.

You could even just recite a poem that conveys its feelings to you.
Start by saying something like you are sharing this in the memory of your mum who you know would have be proud of you for being able to stand up in front of you all.
or even a poem about something she held dear such as the sea, or countryside or even a place she loved to visit. Sending my condolences to you.

I had to do this recently. The best advice I got was 'tell stories'. don't use vague words like 'nice' or 'kind. Pick one happy memory you have - a great holiday or a family christmas - and share it with everyone.

for example, your speech could go

I am sure everyone here has their own happy memories of mum, but I want to share one story that I will always remember. It was ... christmas when I was 8 / our holiday in france / a rainy tuesday ... when ...
... and I will always remember that

Also, write your speech out before hand, word for word. Print it in a big font to have with you. Practice it to yourself.

And speak SLOWLY - your congregation will probably include older people who are hard of hearing and will appreciate slow clear speech.

I wrote mum’s eulogy and my brother read it. It was very moving. I know you don’t want something as long as that but yes, like PP said, a couple of lovely memories from childhood will be a tribute to your mum and will comfort you and everyone there. I was dreading the funeral but actually it was lovely to share everyone’s memories of mum and hear her spoken about so warmly.

I've done this in the not too distant past.

I talked about something they had achieved in their life, perhaps a skill or talent such as gardening or a sport, or charity work. Then about something we had done together, special kindness they had shown to me, or fun we had shared. Then I closed with a fond happy memory I had of them, perhaps a childhood memory or a family joke or their favourite song for example.

So there was a bit of structure to the talk, and it ended on a happy personal note.
Write it all out, and read it aloud a few times. Speak slowly, and leave time for audience reactions. It won't be as difficult as you think, because everyone there will be rooting for you.

One funeral I was at had notebooks & pencils on the benches asking for people to share their memories, which I thought was a lovely comforting idea.

Thank you all.

I've actually just bitten the bullet and have written something. I think it's OK. I'll show DH later but it's all heartfelt and I didn't feel stupid when I read it aloud.

This is all so difficult and alien to me

I am sorry for your loss.

When I did this for my parent, the minister asked me to give him a copy of what i was going to say so that if it got too much for me he could carry on.

My thoughts are with you. It rates as one of the hardest things I've ever done.

My sister and I shared the reading of our Dad's eulogy. My DH had read eulogies at the funerals of both of his parents (not at the same time) some years previously too.

All of us would agree that is hard, and we could hardly believe what we were actually having to do on those days at the crematorium. It didn't feel real, but we gritted our teeth and got through it. Vicars or celebrants conducting the service are usually willing to step in and help with the reading if you do find it too difficult, and nobody should think badly of you if that does happen.

My advice is keep it simple. I began ours by setting out our Dad's name and his date and place of birth with a short, potted history of how he came to meet my mother, work in the teaching profession etc. How us children came along (and the rest is history, as they say). We both put in a few funny stories about things he would say and do, fondly remembered and fun family holidays etc.

Perhaps discuss amongst your Dad and siblings some nice and perhaps humorous anecdotes about your Mum? Ask your Dad for stories from their younger days. Read a favourite poem if you think it appropriate. All are things that could help you know what to say.

Speak clearly and concisely, projecting your voice towards the back even if you have use of a decent microphone. It helps people who are further away and/or possibly hard of hearing to follow as much as possible.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is very difficult no matter what stage of life it happens. Reading the eulogy/saying a few words at the funeral isn't easy either. I wish you all the very best.

You don’t have to do it. I couldn’t for my DF.‘a funeral.

In fact, I found the whole funeral incredibly difficult, I hated having an “audience” when my grief felt so private and individual. Plus dad wasn’t there anyway, so it all felt very bizarre in a way. Of course it’s lovely that people want to say their goodbyes, but I dunno, the whole thing felt awkward for me.

I hope it goes well whatever you decide to do/say, and sorry for your loss.