Do I go see them before they go?

[fairysong]

I'm looking for a bit of a handhold/support as to what to do here.

My dear grandfather is dying. After a stint in hospital he was released however then rapidly declined.

The doctor came out this evening and told my grandma that he has hours or maybe days at most left. He's sleeping most of the time but when he's awake he's not lucid and doesn't know who anyone is. He has lost the ability to swallow and therefore has not eaten or drunk for over 24 hours now.

I have not seen him for weeks (probably 2/3 months ago). I'm not too local and have had covid which then went to every member of my little family so didn't want to risk passing it on. He then spent over a month in hospital where we were unable to visit due to various policies.

So now it's happening, apparently it's not pleasant and he is struggling a lot with jerking around and struggling for breath. To be honest I'm scared to go - I'm not that old (early 20s) and I've never been in this situation before.

I don't want to remember him like this, I want to remember him how I saw him but should I be going, am I a bad granddaughter for not?

Would it help your grandmother for you to visit? Does she want you to? Or is a string of guilt visitors going to add to her burden?

When my DH was dying at home I'd have resented people getting in the way, to be honest. But others might feel the opposite way.

Go and see him.
As horrible as it is you need to show some support to your Gran. She will appreciate you visiting even if, you don't stay long, but if you are able to gibber with her for a bit and take her mind off it.

It's about giving support to her letting her know you care. So when it's all over and done she doesn't feel you didn't care.

If your Grandma would like you to go then go. Other than that I dont think its necessary.

She has told us we don't need to go. There are carers 24/7 so she isn't alone in the house with him. My DM and aunt have decided to stay put for now but I'm the closest to their house so wonder if I'm doing the right thing

There is no right answer here about actually seeing your papa. You could get a window of when he is calm to go in an hold his hand.

The main thing is to support your nana and other relatives.

It's one of those things where you get one chance to get right.

I would suggest that you are close, even if not right in the room.

Speak to your grandma. When my Dad was in hospital, Mum only wanted us, her children to visit. She absolutely did not want the grandchildren or sons-in-law there.

You are not a bad granddaughter if you don't go for any reason.

I’m twice your age and I feel very glad that I didn’t see my DGM in her final hours. I often feel bad for my uncle who sat with her until the end.

Speak to your DGM and ask if she would like you to come and sit with her, she may prefer you not to and may rather you didn’t see him like that

I was in your position a couple of years ago when my Grandfather died. I didn't see him in his absolute final days as I didn't want to remember him like that. I still don't regret it even now. Although I did go to see him before he had rapidly deteriorated.

It's so difficult to say what you should do but at the very least please, please phone your granny if you haven't already. She'll need all the support she can get. You'll be able to tell from that call what would be the right thing to do OP. What about your parents/siblings assuming you have them - are they involved at all? Could you confide in them and get support to help you make a decision? I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. Sending hugs and a handhold .

I spoke to her a little while ago. She is upset but I think we knew this was coming for a long time and his quality of life is not good at all.

She's asked me to stay put for the moment and we will all reassess in the morning.

I never had a chance to say goodbye to my grandad. I was 14, away on a camp and he died suddenly after only 24hrs in a hospital and unfortunately my family couldn't come and pick me up.
I never came to terms with that, although it's nearly 30 years since he passed.
I was very close to my granddad though.

So sorry Op, it’s heartbreaking I know.

We had this situation with my wonderful late MIL, she was dying, We felt terrible putting our grown up children 20 & 18 through that final visit, but they would have regretted it, if they hadn’t said goodbye. It is very painful seeing someone you love like that. I will never, ever forget that day or the feeling of utter relief when she died, we were all praying for her suffering to be over.

The only advice I would give is, you need to make the decision quickly, & do what’s right for you, and whatever decision you make will be the right one, so no regrets. Good luck.

My daughter was holding my dad’s hand as he died. We had gone to to hospital and DH and DD were dropping me off to stay overnight with him. He clasped her hand and mine and just went. She was 16 at the time. I’m not sure I would have chosen that for her but she is glad she was there.

But OPs GM doesn’t have anyone apart from carers
thats sad

@kitcat15 she's asked me not to go and then called my mum to make sure I don't as apparently it's quite distressing at the moment.

We have made an agreement that if he is still with us tomorrow I will go with my mum and aunt but not alone.

It's just horrible to think he won't be with us anymore but at the same time I'm hopeful that he gets peace as it's been an unpleasant last few years for him

I saw my grandad about 2 weeks before - similar set up to you, I lived a way away. He was already very ill and that wasn't nice, but he was able to see me and smile and listen as I chatted nonsense to him. Once he got worse, my dad said that honestly, he'd rather me not be there because he'd be thinking about me being upset as well as managing his own emotions, and he wanted to spare me seeing how awful it was.

I really struggled with it but now I'm glad, and grateful my dad felt he could say that, because I've been with one person as they died and one a few hours before and both still really stick in my head as awful, scary intrusive thoughts (and they were both people I cared about). I know when it comes to it being my own parents I'd want to be there as much as possible no matter how horrible but some bit of me is glad my childhood version of my grandad wasn't replaced in my head with him in such a bad way, selfishly.

Distressing for your Nan? Or you? Because it will be equally distressing tomorrow? I just could never leave a family member on their own ….but I get that all families are different….if your Gf is distressed then he may need his pain medication adjusting so he’s calmer

I think your Mum is best placed to make a judgement call here. If she has spoken to your Nan and they have agreed the best thing is to wait, I don't think you need to feel guilty about not going right now. Your Nan will need your support in the weeks and months to come when the carers and other people have drifted away - that's a good time for you to step up. Sorry you are going through this, it's horrid.

I just could never leave a family member on their own ….but I get that all families are different

Even when that family member has expressly said that they don't want you there @kitcat15 ? To the extent that they've phoned another family member to ensure that you don't go?

That sounds extraordinarily selfish of you. When I was sitting at my late husband's deathbed I'd have been furious if anyone had ignored my express wishes and arrived on my doorstep.

My Dad died recently and was, thankfully, very drugged up when he died. We didn't see him the day he died and we didn't go and see him once he had died. In the run up to his death he only wanted minimal visitors and didn't want people traipsing in to see him. He just wanted to be calm and not have people 'fuss'. My Mum is a massive crier and will cry at the drop of a hat. She didn't go and see him when he was dying and he didn't want her to visit. Everyone thought this was massively weird but it wasn't weird for us. I saw him the day before he died and he was sleeping peacefully. It did give me some comfort and it gave comfort to my siblings and my Mum that he comfortable.

If I knew I was dying I can imagine not wanting to see people. I feel like I'd want to be quiet and hide away like a cat.

You really, really need to think about what everyone actually wants. Don't do things because you think you should.