All the ways grief affects you

[flowertoday]

Hi, I rarely post on mumsnet so am looking for a hand hold/ some wise words.
I lost my nephew to suicide earlier in the year. Sadly my family now have another family member with a life limiting condition- expecting the worst.
I have tried / try so hard to cope, but then out of nowhere I am completely unable to function. Like I am standing in a shop and I will feel tears starting. Or a completely innocuous remark can be a trigger for overwhelming sadness and I want to run away.
Although I try and hide it ( I function at work in an emotionally demanding job) my levels of anxiety are often through the roof. I went to work at a weekend event starting yesterday, got there and had a complete ( internal ) meltdown and have had to leave. The feelings were almost physical- palpitations and a nose bleed along with acute anxiety.
I just wonder if other grieving people can relate- I feel so alone.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

Have you spoken to anyone about grief counselling? It might help you deal with this?

Sending you strength and love x

Thanks for replying hotandbothereds. I wonder if I have thought I am not entitled to be the one struggling - I focus on trying to help other family members. I also worry that as I am anticipating another loss I wouldn't know where to start with counselling ...

I’m so sorry to hear your story, OP. Loss is so hard even without extenuating factors like suicide and possible multiple bereavement.
I lost two relatives in quick succession a few years ago and remember standing at the bus stop, almost a year later and out of the blue, crying and being furious with the world. I also believe it triggered a period of poor mental health for me.
I also work in hospice services, and “complicated bereavement” (to use the jargon) is a real thing. Have you considered visiting your GP? If your relative is under hospice care a lot of them have services for relatives as well- support groups, counselling etc.

Grief is hard and inevitable, but you shouldn’t have to go through this without help. ❤

oh OP, I am so sorry. What a hard year you are having with so much heartbreak.

I really relate to the ‘completely innocuous remark can be a trigger for overwhelming sadness and I want to run away’ feeling. Grief is inescapable.

If you have any time or space in your life to start a hobby in the great outdoors, maybe now would be good. People talk about the healing power of nature and it’s true (biologically! But that’s a different thread). Birdwatching, hiking, landscape painting - something where you can spend sometime ‘escaping’. Easier said than done of course.

I can relate - everything you describe sounds like a normal part of grieving, in my experience anyway. I think especially when you’ve experienced a sudden and traumatic loss like suicide.

Do you give yourself time to rest and process? This is really important, just to sit and let yourself feel everything.

looking after everyone else might be keeping you too busy to process your own feelings. Counselling might help with that - to untie any mental loops and perceived obligations to others that might be stopping you from feeling your feelings.

I think just because the second loss hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean you’re not grieving now. It’s not like grief can only start with a death. It might be that this period is a temporarily very heavy one while you process two losses at once. Counselling can help with that too - just having someone alongside you to help you bear the load.

Journalling helped me a lot, to help process all the ‘why’ questions and the anger and unfairness of it all.

Sorry you’re going through it

l am very sorry for your loss.
The symptons of grief can be horrific, and people often under estimate how long it can take to get back to some kind of normal. No two people will ever grieve the same, it is very complex and complicated. l found keeping a journal and writing down what l felt l couldn't say or express openly to others helped me and it was something l kept up for years.
Its a shame because people who have lost loved family and friends due to suicide say they don 't receive the same sympathy/ empathy as they would if it had been a "natural" loss. l think there are online support groups for people who have lost family and friends through suicide, you may find that helpful.

I remember starting a fight with a woman who (perfectly legally) pulled into the mews I live in to wait for somebody.

It's perfectly normal op but I think the 'trying to hide it' will be having a detrimental effect.

You are actually dealing with so many layers of stress.

There's your own grief and anger for your nephew, and the way he died.
There's the anticipatory grief about the ill person.
There's the support and concern you are offering to the people around you.

On top of that, you are trying to function in your own, busy life as though everything is normal. It isn't.

You may need some time off, counselling, both of which you are entitled to.

Also, look at your life and see what is nourishing you and what is demanding of you. If you are, for example, volunteering elsewhere at something that doesn't nourish you, you need to stop for a while.

So keep doing things that make you feel better, cut out those that don't. It's a period of time you need to put yourself first. You'll be letting yourself recover a little, and building up resources for hard times to come.

I am truly sorry for your loss. I have been bereaved multiple times and everytime is different although some with multiple layers of trauma. I have howled on public transports and roared at the moon. I also have real physical symptoms especially throat and chest problems. My patience levels were on the floor and I couldn't handle "idiots". My aunt gave me good advice in that you have to go through your bereavement and you can't sidestep your grief. You will never "get over" but in time you can learn to live with or alongside the grief. Grief is not chronological and it can floor you unexpectedly. I find comfort in a Facebook page called "Grief for non belief"

Hi OP.

I am so sorry about your nephew.

I lost my best friend 10 months ago. It wasn’t sudden (cancer) but it was traumatic seeing them become so very, very sick, and the sadness is overwhelming when I think of their children left without a parent and, personally, just missing them so very much.

I wasn’t prepared for the effects of grief at all, even though I have lost people in my life before. This time it hit me in a different way., though, like a sort of physical illness as well as the emotional pain.

For months, I couldn’t breathe properly. I felt like I (literally) had some sort of weight on my chest and would regularly lose my breath. My whole body ached. It was an incredibly physical experience. I’ve been left with real problems with my neck and jaw because of the tension grief caused in my body.

Emotionally, I am still very up and down. I can have a run of ‘good’ days and then something will trigger a surge of emotion - tears, sadness, anger - and it overwhelms me completely. I’m currently on holiday and it’s the first time I’ve properly relaxed since my friend died (I threw myself into work to cope) and I have cried floods of tears almost every day. I feel like a lot of pent up emotion is being released.

I had Bereavement counselling, but I think it was too soon after the death for me. I found it incredibly hard and it made me feel worse. It’s something I might consider again in future, though.

I just wanted to say that I think this is all to be expected. Grief hits us in different ways, at different times, and in your case losing a nephew to suicide will understandably complicate things. It is just such a terrible shock you have experienced.

I also had/have guilt about my grief, as there are people closer to my friend (children, siblings) that I feel have ‘more right’ to grief than I do…but rationally I know that’s rubbish. We loved them, so of course we will and should grieve for them ❤️

Thank you to everyone who has replied , it means a lot. And I like the advice about jounalling..... and all of the advice. @catfunk that is interesting about the anger. The other day I felt like punching a perfectly pleasant woman who made some sort of remark about my dog. I am really not a punching people sort of person ....

It is just really comforting to know that other people understand and can relate 💐🦋

Sorry for your loss

Grief is a really tough journey and has many facets. I find my mood can change very quickly, anger can be a normal response too. It’s takes as long as it takes to reach acceptance.

We had a very close family bereavement last year. My DS1 20 at the time said mum, I have read about the ball in the jar, and that’s exactly how I feel.

Take it easy OP.

Hi OP, sorry for your loss, and the situation your facing with your other family member.

Of course you're entitled to support for your grief. I would suggest calling the National bereavement Service (0808 164 2239 or www.thenbs.org) who can offer free of charge emotional support when you need it.

Take care OP.

Grief is hell - I have been in tears this morning again - I will never get over the loss of my OH 2.5 years ago. You are entitled to grieve the loss of your nephew - and under such sad circumstances. These things bring us up short and reinforce our awareness of the brevity of life.

Do not beat yourself up - you are entitled to be sad.

@Mischance -so sorry for your loss. 💜You are so right, life is so short, and so very precious.