Funeral in Ireland

[Laura2211]

My father in law has sadly passed away. The funeral will be in Ireland. He wants our 1 year old & 4 year old to go over for it. From what I can tell, it will be a big event with wake, funeral day (catholic), burial etc. I am concerned that this will not be suitable for our little ones and I am very worried. I have never been to such a funeral so can anyone explain a bit more about what would be involved and if it would be appropriate for the children to be there? My husband is catholic & i am not. As he is grieving I don’t want to push him too much about the funeral arrangements at the moment but obviously I need to mentally prepare myself & the children if they are going to attend.
TIA for any help

Bringing young children to their grandfathers funeral would be acceptable and encouraged in Ireland. People attending the funeral will be happy to see them.
I would only have them at the wake for a short period of time if at all because they will be bored.
But if the wake is at a family home and their are cousins there and a different room or garden they can be in it would be easier.

Even if they don’t attend the wake or the funeral I would still bring them over to be there for your DH. There may be family meals and get togethers. Having the youngest generation there is a positive thing for people at a sad time.

I wouldn't bring them if I was you. All the travel and then all the people at the wake will be too much for them unless you have lots of help. They're very young.

My main concern would be ensuring that they are well looked after. Irish funerals can be massive family get togethers, much like a wedding and it's common for all the kids to be fussed over and to be around.

Very normal to have all the children in the family at a funeral. Most wakes are in the house the evening or even evenings before the funeral and there will be lots of people and kids at them. Funeral Mass might be quite long but there will also be lots of kids at that and at the afters too. It's considered normal for kids to attend wakes and funerals and they will be made welcome and fussed over.

Sometimes a person is waked at home for a couple of days. (Other times a funeral home is used where people attend a removal and view and pray over the deceased the evening before a funeral, the remains are then 'removed' to the local church.)

Then the funeral Mass takes place (usually in the morning or very early afternoon) followed by burial in the local graveyard, or sometimes by cremation in a crematorium. Then all funeral goers are invited by the family for refreshments, often at a local hotel (or pub or local hall or sometimes at home).

Just to add that at the wake or removal the coffin will (usually) be open. It is normal in Ireland for children to attend wakes and funerals if they are close family, but very young children would likely stay for a shorter time. I personally chose not to bring my own DC to the crematorium when their grandparent died, but they were at the wake for a while and the funeral Mass. And they rejoined us for a meal afterwards.

Where are you staying - a hotel? You may be on your own for some/much of the time caring for the children while your husband meets with family. It is very acceptable for young children to be at funerals etc, but often the day is too long and they can only attend part. It would also be fine for you and DH to attend without the children if that were an option.

Just to add that at their grandparent's wake it was as a pp described above. My DC were in the room with the deceased for only a short while. I had told them they didn't have to go in if they didn't want to, but they wanted to - they spent some time in the garden picking flowers and then put them in the coffin. They spent the rest of their time at the wake playing with cousins in another room. But mine were a few years older than yours at the time.

I'm Irish and it's very much the norm to have kids at a funeral in Ireland esp. a Catholic one. It's also very much part of the ritual and the "send off" to have all family attending including kids of all age. It also helps the nearest and dearest with the cycle of life. Everyone will be delighted to see the kids and you will probably be offered help with them - older cousins, family friends etc. If you do feel like they are too young maybe just gently ask your husband about how you are going to arrange things with the kids. Also I would think you would not need a hotel and more than likely would be staying with family or friends - someone will offer. Sincere sympathies to you all and esp. your husband.💐

Sorry for your loss. Bring them, it will be fine. An Irish funeral is a beautiful, actually life affirming occasion that is very different from what you will be used to in the UK. They are family occasions with lots of children around. For the Irish, death is just a part of life, and even a funeral after a tragic death is still a beautiful, loving occassion.

Depending on whether its a country or town wedding, there will be a wake the night before with the (possibly) open coffin either at the funeral home or the house. I promise you, this is not a scary thing, and you wont be under any pressure to go near the coffin if you dont want to. Neighbours will come from miles around to greet you and pay their respects. If the funeral is on a weekday, this is the way people can pay their respects without having time off work for the actual service the next day.

If the wake is in the country and takes place in the home, there will be Irish mammies that seem to appear from nowhere with trays of sandwiches and cups of tea for anyone who comes by.

Either way, there will be decades of the rosaries said at frequent intervals.

The day of the funeral, more people will arrive to the church, where there will be a full funeral mass before the walk to the cemetary. Then there will be a reception afterwards, which I've noticed in recent years, are for invited family and may be a sit down hot meal in a local hotel.

Honestly, please go and take the kids. It will not be stressful and your husband will need your support. If he comes from a big family, I'd bet there will be lots of teenage cousins only too happy to mind the babies for an hour for a few euro! In the UK, people are a bit weird and stressy about death and funerals, but in Ireland, they are generally a pretty relaxed event. Irish people also dont get all worked up about wearing black and all that either, just dress smartly.

It will undoubtably be sad, but I promise you, it wont be difficult.

And there’s none of the self-righteous ‘Children must be formally dressed, invisible and inaudible, and must not be allowed to see adult tears’ stuff I see on a lot of threads about non-Irish funerals on Mn. No one will expect children to be paragons of virtue, and Irish people to to funerals a lot, so frankly, they’re not a big deal unless you’re the bereaved close family and friends, and even then, those people will have been to lots of funerals, so there’s no stress or worry about dress codes or funeral etiquette. Especially in summer, most people generally aren’t dressing in formal black.

Children will often be invited to be involved in the service. Older ones might be given a prayer or reading to say and younger one given something to carry up to the altar that represents the deceased eg photo, golf ball, reading glasses

Hi, maybe you can pick and chose what you attend, The body may be laid out at in the deceased's home - I am irish and have been to such occasions. So maybe skip that ! The funeral in the church won't be to different to the Protestant kind so you should be safe there. Best of luck.

I would also add that it would be perfectly OK for the children to be enjoying themselves (e.g. playing out in a large garden) whilst the wake is on.
the can’t and aren’t expected to do performative sadness. In a way they should “enjoy it”. Their grandfather certainly would want them to.

I took my Mum back to Ireland for her big sister's funeral. It was an open coffin. She and her sister looked alike and the deceased sister's grandchild kept pointing at Mum and going "there's granny". It was a bit unsettling but everyone seemed cool with it. I wasn't comfy but obviously I kept that too myself.

It should be totally fine for your kids to go. The 4 year old could be part of the ceremony where they bring up something that reminds them of their grandfather - maybe a pipe or a mug etc.
The evening after the funeral normally turns into quite a fun evening as people have food, a few drinks and tell stories about the deceased. Some of the best nights out ever are after a funeral. I remember saying to my parents that my grandmother would have really enjoyed hers.

Kids would be totally normal & accepted - and if its a big family, fussed over and spoiled

As others have said, Irish funerals - particularly country funerals - are not sad, sombre occiasions really. Kids would be expected to play outside the house / in another room for the wake. and no one would bat an eyelid if they were unsettled during the church bit

Funerals can be a really lovely occaision to get to know your DHs extended family if you don't know them very well - and if you pitch in and make tea / sandwiches for the wake, generally help with giving older people a lift to/from church or wake, or otherwise give a hand, everyone is generally really appreciative

Just to add to the consensus above, I wouldn't worry about bringing a child to a funeral - my seven year old has gone to a few already. It'll be fine, all of their family will be there. From the Irish point of view, they have a right to be there, they are close family, almost the closest you can get so it's for them and about them, too. It's a chance for them to say goodbye to their grandparent and share time with their people.

It's normal for children of all ages to attend and it may be a comfort to your partner to have his children there along with others. Brining the generations together is part of it. It sounds weird but it can be a very relaxing and pleasant family event. Unlike a wedding, people are more casual. Of course your partner's family could be different and if you are worried about crowds for whatever reason you should be clear about that.

Sorry for your loss OP.
Yes totally usual to bring children to a funeral here.
The mass is usually at 10, in Dublin anyway, that lasts around an hour, followed by the graveyard for burial or to the crematorium. Then onto a pub or hall, the kids would have a great time at this, there are usually loads of other kids, and everyone makes a fuss over them.
But just to keep in mind, funerals here happen within in a few days, never two weeks later which happens in the the UK I think?