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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Angry at recently deceased friend

19 replies

Onceuponaheartache · 04/07/2022 22:10

My best friend was more like a sister to me. Our kids have grown up together, her family literally saved my dd from suffering a huge mental health crisis during lockdown (only child, I'm a key work, she is CEC so was very isolated)

My gorgeous friend lost her very shirt battle with cancer in May. Her kids range frim 18 tp 7. Her youngest daughters are only just 9 and 8. My dd is almost 9.

My dd and her 9 year old are best friends although don't attend the same school. Both are starting to show signs of puberty. My friend's husband rang me just after she died in a flap about who would talk period's etc with the girls. I offered as I needed to have the chat with my own dd.

The kids have been with me all evening and after a lovely tea and lots of raucous play we sat down and had an age appropriate conversation.

The girls have taken it well and we have discussed the importance of smear tests etc (she died of advanced cervical cancer as did her own mother) I was very careful not to blame her but did gently explain that those tests help pick up early signs of one of the types of cancer their mum had and that's why they are so important.

The girls were fab. It was a lovely evening and her 2 sat on my lap and had cuddles. My dd is normally quite possessive of me but has developed a beautiful compassion for her friends and knew that they would need "mummy huggies" in her words.

I am touched that my friend's husband has trusted me to do this with the girls and i know if the roles were reversed my darking friend would have done the same for me without a seocnd thought. But I am so bloody angry that I am having to do this. I love my friend but she never atte ded her smears which would have picked up issues long before she was so ill that there was nothing anyone could do.

Those beautiful girls now have to grown up without their mum.

She will never know about their first period, first kiss, she won't help them choose a prom dress or their wedding dress.

5 minutes of discomfort every few years and she could have lived longer...seen her children grow up. Watched her eldest turn 18.

I know my anger is normal and part of the grieving process but I had thought I had reconciled it. But tonight as brought it bubbling to the surface.

How do I move past the anger?

OP posts:

quickscribble · 04/07/2022 22:13

Keep telling this to people. I haven't had a smear in ages, I'll book one this week now.

DFOD · 04/07/2022 22:14

Just sit with it.

Like a wave.

Let it rise and then fall.

Attend to your grief with self compassion.

I am so sorry for the loss of your lovely friend.

Heartbreaking.

DandelionPocket · 04/07/2022 22:16

I completely understand your anger. I would be too.

I think you already know that the only thing to help you move past this is time.

Please don't delay your smears ladies.

FTMFML · 04/07/2022 22:16

Didn’t want to read and run, I’m so sorry OP. You are doing such a wonderful thing. Stages of grief can come and go, you just have to ride them out unfortunately, keep communicating with those that you can - whether that’s just on mumsnet. Be kind to yourself and allow the feelings to pass X

JudgementalCentipede · 04/07/2022 22:16

Unusual that she didn't attend smear tests after her own mother died of cervical cancer?

PerseverancePays · 04/07/2022 22:19

So sorry for your loss.

My longest standing friend died of a heart attack. She’d only been retired six months. I’m fuming. She slaved at her job in healthcare, worked longer to top up her pension she missed raising kids, never ever had a health check up. And now she’s gone. So preventable.

Pashazade · 04/07/2022 22:20

I feel, like many other of the random components you get with grief, that the anger will come and go when it's obvious and when you least expect it. Don't be hard on yourself, it's a totally understandable reaction. It will ebb again, what you are doing for your friend's daughter is wonderful btw. I was lucky to find a second mum figure to help me out when I lost my own mum at 14 and she really did make a world of difference to me.

Heroicallyl0st · 04/07/2022 22:23

Allow yourself to feel your anger. Write it, scream when you’re alone, exercise it out - big anger can be a very visceral thing. It will pass but it’s okay to rage. You have to let it in to let it go.

Chesneyhawkes1 · 04/07/2022 22:23

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend.

I didn't attend smears for many years and when I finally did, I had cervical cancer.

I feel very lucky that I could be helped. And somewhat guilty that not everyone has the same outcome as me.

I always tell women not to miss a smear now.

SunshinePie · 04/07/2022 22:24

It’s okay to be angry. I expect under the anger is a great deal of sadness 😔

Circumferences · 04/07/2022 22:26

That's really shit. I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the daughters and husband left behind.

Thanks for reminding me to book my smear I've been putting it off. It's too easy to think "Naah wouldn't happen to me" but in this case it obviously did.

JugglingJanuary · 04/07/2022 22:28

It's good the girls have you xx

i have a girl like that in my life, we were 13 when her mum died, we 're both in our 50's and despite being like sisters growing up, we don't really talk now, but she's still quite close to my Mum & I don't begrudge her that at all. (We all live in different countries now and she & I are very very different, it's very sad, but I had to stop trying for my own sanity)!

I can understand you being angry, it does seem odd after her Mum, but maybe part of her was in denial.

I don't think it'll stop hurting or making you angry, but time does help.

im very sorry for your loss 🌷

timbletumble · 04/07/2022 22:30

Three things;

I’m so sorry for your loss
I missed my smear (forgot) two months ago. I’m going to call and re book first thing in the morning.
Thankyou

lospolloshermanosass · 04/07/2022 22:30

It's so so important to go to smear tests. I'm sorry you lost your friend op.

I was diagnosed with severe dyskaryosis age 26. Good chunk of cervix removed and now I'm ok. I'm forever nagging people about smear tests.

2littleloves · 04/07/2022 22:35

OP can I just saw what a wonderful friend you are.

Your friend is very lucky to have you to support her children and I totally understand the feelings you have must be difficult for you. As previous poster had said, let it come as a wave. The cycle of grief is very complicated at the best of times however in situations such as this it is that little bit harder.

Please continue to speak as you have on this post and educate people. I am 25 and have attended my smear when advised due to losing someone very close to me from cervical cancer. I must admit had this not been the case, I may not have understood the absolute need to go through a few minutes of discomfort to potentially save my life, people are quick to tell of horror stories of how sore/uncomfortable they are but I thankfully didn't find this to be the case and luckily have had a normal result. I will attend again in 5 years time.

Xxx

Iced · 04/07/2022 22:39

So sorry for your loss
Her poor children
I'm due a smear and will be booking it in tomorrow.
Thank you x

Original poster

Onceuponaheartache · 04/07/2022 22:40

Thank you all. I was half expecting a kicking.

She was told her mum died of an aneurism but she spoke to me when she was waiting for her diagnosis and said that a lot of her symptoms were things she remembered of her mum so she thinks people had lied to be kind and never told her. She had no real family left other than her husband and their kids.

I couldn't see her in her final month's. Dd is CEV and her school had a massive outbreak of chicken pox so dd was on antivirals from Xmas to just before my friend died. We couldn't risk her getting ill from something me or dd might have carried in. But she was so ashamed of how her body had betrayed her (she was only early 30's) adult nappies etc that she wouldn't see anyone.

Please please please get a smear test if you haven't ever had one or are just late having it. She was diagnosed in November, told terminal in April and dead in May.

I love those kids to bits. We are all supporting each other and her husband...my god that man is my hero. How the hell he has held it together is beyond me. He has 6 kids at home all under 12 and he is doing an amazing job. I struggle to get 1 up and out the door let alone 6!

OP posts:

Rovinonmars · 04/07/2022 22:45

I am so sorry about your friend. Her daughter is lucky to have you.

I am overdue a smear and will book one in tomorrow. Thank you.

Original poster

Onceuponaheartache · 12/07/2022 22:29

Had the chat with my friends girls last week and gave them their "kits". There were lots of hugs and no tears (apart from mine afterwards) which was good.

I talked to all 3 girls (her 2 and my 1) about smears and what they are. Told them how important it was. We talked vaguely about if my friend had had them we might have known she was poorly sooner and the doctors might have been able to have helped her more.

I was very careful not to say that had she had them she might not have died, and as we stated talking I was careful to say that it was a conversation mummy should have been having with them but as she couldn't would they be OK with me doing it and they said they were.

Lots of hugs and promises that I would be here to answer any questions or talk to them about anything at all.

2 of her boys then ran race for life at the weekend. So bloody proud. One is 11 and the other 10. They did so well in blistering heat.

I miss her so much.

Please ladies get your smear tests. Don't put it off. 5 minutes of discomfort can literally save your life.

OP posts:

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