Scattering ashes - a silly question?

[ItWillBeOkHonestly]

My mum died suddenly just over a year ago and it was so sudden and traumatic (heart attack) that it's taken us this long to figure out what we'd like to do with the ashes.

The funeral director never contacted us to say if they were 'ready' so we were quite content to wait until we could get our heads around what to do and where to put them. We've finally decided to scatter or bury them on her dad's grave and later, when her siblings die, we'll do the same with theirs too and then have the original gravestone redone to reflect that . But I have a few 'stupid' practical questions to ask and I wondered if anyone could help? Hope this isn't triggering for anyone!

Firstly, when I go to pick them up, what do they come in? We're not going to pay for an urn as they're being scattered so would it be a box or something? What sort of quantity/volume/size should I expect? I don't know how much space this takes up? When it comes to scattering, do we need some kind of scoop or something? Or can you just sort of scatter about?

It always looks very sweet and mystical in the movies but in real life, what is actually involved? I realise funeral directors get asked 'stupid' questions all the time but to be honest, it's still quite raw and I'm not sure I can have this conversation on the phone without wanting to howl. She was the centre to our family and is missed beyond words.

But if anyone can help, it would be a big relief to know in advance what to expect.

They come in a plastic urn. My Dad's urn was in a very nice jute bag too which I still use for shopping.

My Dad had kept my mother's ashes in a special urn as he wanted them to be scattered together. Our local crematorium had beautiful gardens with formal, wooded and wild parts and we had their ashes scattered together under a weeping willow near a stream. Someone from the crematorium dud the scattering, he had a nice shiny metal container for the purpose. I don't remember paying for it but we also had a tree with a plaque so maybe it was included.

I think there are rules about where you can scatter ashes yourself.

Well my husband arrived in a large plastic screw top container, in a cardboard box . I recon they are standard as a friend's Dad was in the same but from the other side of the country, if you follow me.

We didn't use a scoop, but on the two occasions I've been involved there is a lot more quantity than you might expect from films. Both times the ashes had stayed in houses for a number of years until it had felt right.

Good luck, it's not unpleasant or gory, I felt it was letting him go in a place he loved.

You will need permission from the church/Council to scatter ashes on a grave. I've been part of a couple of ashes scattering ceremonies. Think about what you want to do with the container - felt a bit odd putting the empty ones in the bin.

My dads came in a brown paper bag in a cardboard box. They come with a special certificate that you need if you are burying them in a graveyard.

Its a strange thing that nobody really talks about, I was anxious about picking up my dad's last week. It was ok....they came in grey paper carry bag which had a small grey box which was labelled....inside was a clear plastic bag with the ashes inside. They looked like stone gravel....I scattered him under a beautiful tree in his favourite park after eating a tribute ice cream ( he loved ice cream) ....it was a beautiful day and I felt like he was sending me a message to say it was the best spot for him....we had spent many family days there since the 1960s.....the hardest part was holding it together when I left the Crematorium office.....it felt a bit overwhelming....I had to bit my lip hard and hold back the tears otherwise I wouldn't have stopped.....but now I feel at peace and can visit him anytime I want to.....hope this helps a bit....

Hugs OP, not stupid questions at all. My Dad's came in a sturdy plastic container which is now inside the columbarium in the memorial gardens, with his engraved plaque on the outside, up above the ground as he wanted.

We also left his ashes at the funeral director's for about 18 months, until we were ready - both Mum and I thought if we brought them home we might never let them go. Dad was extremely practical about these things which helped a bit.

The main thing I'd say is to be prepared for the weight - they were much heavier than I was expecting, and the crematorium officer who helped us on the day told me that most people's ashes weigh roughly what they did when they were born - weird fact but one Dad would have loved!

Yes also to PP saying consider what to do with the empty urn - I considered keeping it after scattering, and filling it with little mementoes and written memories, until we decided finally on the columbarium.

Also before you scatter them all, consider whether you want to keep some to be made into jewellery or similar - some people want to and some people don't, but once they're all scattered you can't.

I found the actual moving of the ashes difficult, but once they were in his final resting place it was like a weight had lifted, and while I chat to him most days at home, and have a memorial plaque by the bar in my garden, I do like having somewhere to go when I'm feeling especially sad and missing him. I hope scattering/burying your mum's ashes brings you the same peaceful place to go.

Oof, sorry, that was long. The pain doesn't go away but we do get better at living with it, and remembering the person we were so lucky to have and love - I'm five and a half years in and I still miss him every day, so I'm sending you love.

My Mum's came in a plastic box, about the size of a loaf of bread. Quite heavy too. We sent the majority to her home country to go in the family grave, and scattered the rest into her garden. It's such a personal thing, but I think you'll feel better once it is done. To me, sending her " back home" completed the circle of life.

Weight is anything between about 4 and 8 lbs ie 1.8 - 3.6kgs depending on size in life.
My lovely husband came in a very simple paper lined cardboard box with a certificate as described by @skysareblue .
Said box was delivered in an unmarked hessian "shopping bag", for want of a better description.
You can buy "scattering tubes" from Amazon, if this helps make your scattering process easier.
Memorial jewellry takes very little ashes- approx a teaspoonfull is plenty.
Good luck with it all OP.
Such a sad part of life and never easy.

I remember being surprised at how much there was... - scattering my FiL. The movie idea is that the ashes disappear off into the air. In his case the reality was more like opening a bag of flour or sand onto the ground. There was some wind but changeable and FiL stayed with us in a very real sense as we were wearing trousers with turnups...

There was a chap from (a long time ago now) the crematorium with us when we scattered FiL, making some sort of odd ceremony out of it even though we hadn't asked for it and it just felt awkward. We were young then - these days we are a lot better at knowing what we want and speaking up.

A lot of "unofficial" ash scattering goes on, as long as you are discreet (ideally scattering in small amounts at a time) you can get away with a lot. A scoop here and then in a back corner of a much loved place, no problem. A pile of over a kilogram in a flower bed however might lead to awkwardness.

My mum's ashes came in a plastic bag inside a smart cardboard box. What, surprised me was that I was expecting a fine ashy powder but it was quite gritty. We had bought some pendants that you could fill with a tiny amount of Ash and they were quite difficult to fill because of the larger particles. The rest of the ashes we scattered on a deserted beach and we bought a new garden trowel to do that.

My DH's ashes came in a grey plastic screw top jar in a cardboard box. As others have said, rather heavy, but when you consider the "ashes" are actually ground-up bones, it makes more sense. I think ashes probably sounds more palatable as it were. Unlike the hideous American "cremains".

Certainly the media presents a misleading view, especially the comic scenario of the ashes on the mantlepiece, always in a dainty jar.

Some of my DH's ashes have been put in places special to him, some given to DD and to a friend who asked for some. The bulk, as it were, are still in the wardrobe.

I hope you're able to find a way that brings you comfort ItWillBeOKHonestly

Really sensible questions. My parents live somewhere where quite a few people have scattered ashes and say it often isn't like it is in the movies.
If you're doing it on the sea/at the beach, make sure you do it on an outgoing tide.
Wherever you are, try to pick a calm day and at least stand down wind.
If you're somewhere open to the public and it's the middle of the day and nice weather, just realise that other people will be there and are just as entitled to do their own thing. A wet dog may come & shake itself all over you, another dog may come & play or even dig in the freshly scattered ashes, kids may run past playing chase very close to you, there may be a group gathered for a celebration and playing music.

As pps have said, they often come in a large plastic jar. A bit like the ones used in old fashioned sweet shops but opaque, not transparent, and slightly smaller. There was more ash than I was expecting, I don’t know why but I had imagined something smallish, like a bag of caster sugar, but there was much more than that. He was a medium sized man in life.
The ashes can clump together a bit, or come out in a rush. They look pale grey and rather like clay dust. A lot of dust can come off them if it is windy or they hit hard ground. My Dad got a mouthful of ashes when scattering my grandfather, so be aware of wind and try not to scatter them from too high up, or to tip them all out in one go.
I am sorry you have lost your Mum, sudden death is an enormous shock on top of the grief of loss.

Just watch the wind! We scattered DFiL's ashes off a cliff. Most of us present ended up with some of him in our eyes and DSiL had to dust him out of her bra. He had a cracking sense of humour and would've found it very funny but it wasn't quite how we imagined it would go!

My mum and dad's ashes both came in plastic containers. My dad came in a lovely purple gift bag. Dh said had the funeral directors given me a present?!
We paid to have a funeral director scatter my mums ashes on my my sisters grave. We refused to pay to scatter my dad in the same place and me and my brother had a bit of a great escape moment with one on watch and the other shuffling the ashes into the ground.
You get a lot of ashes. Be aware of that when thinking what to do with them.
I put some of my dad's in a pot in the garden under a favourite rose tree. Another handful in the pub beer garden in Cornwall where we got married. We left some at the cemetery with my mum.and sister. Most of them went up the chimney of a steam train at a local line my dad spent a lot of time at. They blew the whistle as he went.
The rest is still in a tea tin in a cupboard in my brothers flat waiting to make the journey to Hamburg to return him to rest with my dad's mum.
Well travelled in life and death.

Dad’s came back in a scatter tube. It’s non-resealable. We haven’t decided what to do with them yet (he wanted some scattered in the country he was born, some in the North Sea, some here, and a teaspoon to be sprinkled on my Mum’s carpet - they were divorced - every time we visit just to piss her off).

We were surprised with the weight of the tube, I’ve always had gigantic dogs but nothing came close to his ashes, even my hounds that were bigger than him. Sounds daft in retrospect lol.

DHs came in (4 because they were split) cardboard scatter tubes.

His mums portion was interred with his dads (from 10 years earlier, which she had kept) and hers when she died a year later.

I don't know what his 2 children did with their portions.

My portion is, 5+ years later, still at the back of the understairs cupboard.

All of the above. I was advised that the box of ashes was heavy. It was. The 'fun fact' that someone's ashes weigh about as much as the deceased did when they were born makes me smile.

My Dad's ashes were scattered in the place he requested. Also, as has been mentioned, describing them as ashes is something of a misnomer. It's the ashes and and ground up bones that have been put through a cremulator. They are a uniform pale grey in colour. Yes, there's a certificate supplied by the undertaker that identifies who the deceased is.

Sorry to say this, but have you ever cleared a fire grate or the remains of a burned out bonfire ?

The assembled relatives passed the box of ashes to each other in turn and shook a bit of the ash from the box until the box was empty. We didn't seek permission. We just got on with it discretely.

Then just parted company and went home.

My husband's sister buried some of their mother's ashes at home. Then, as arranged, interred the rest in the garden of remembrance next to their Dad's ashes. It was a warm day so they had ice cream then went home.

I have a friend who discretely scattered their mum's ashes in places that were special to her. As well as launching some of them into the sky on a firework rocket. Each to their own.

I couldn’t believe how much or how heavy my dad’s ashes were. It was a real shock.

I’m sorry for your loss x

Sorry form your loss OP

Mum came in a bag in a box. It was a lovely box. I was surprised how heavy it was though! Mum was a tiny little thing, but her ashes weighed a ton! (She's not have been impressed by the numbers on the scales!)

We were warned that scattering ashes can be tricky and advised to get a scatter box. In the end we put her in a carrier bag and scattered her in a special spot. When the wind picked up we ended up with alot of her in our eyes and mouth! So if you don't go with a scatter box, maybe wear glasses and a face mask!

A lot of places require permission, but if you scatter discretely I think you can get away with scattering them outdoors somewhere nice without too many permissions.

(One thing I wasn't prepared for was the emotions I experienced collecting her ashes from the funeral director. I was really overcome with grief when I picked her ashes up and was v emotional unexpectedly. I think it just hit me that she was now reduced to ashes. So be prepared for a wobbly day or too emotionally)

💐💐

Years ago a relative's ashes came in a plastic screw top container. But last month for another relative they came in a biodegradable bag (so that you could bury them if you wish) inside a cardboard box. Much more environmentally friendly!
You are meant to get permission before scattering them in the church grounds but we just scattered them ourselves one afternoon on the family grave. How are they going to know!

My father-in-law's ashes came in a scatter tube,they sell them on Amazon too. His is a beautiful sunset over the sea. Currently residing on a shelf in the office

My sisters came in a sturdy smallish cardboard box. My bil came to our home on the coast to scatter them and said they were so heavy!! We took them to her favorite beach and my bil and nephew scattered some into the sea and we all threw her favourite flower (iris) into the sea. I have some at home in a drawer, I'm waiting to scatter them with my mum who has advanced dementia then they can be together.

When my father in law died earlier this year his wife told dh that she didn’t want any of the ashes and we could do what we wanted with them. Dh spoke to the funeral director and they suggested a scatter pod. It has a lovely picture of a sunset over the sea on it and at the moment he’s sitting on a table in our living room. Dh hasn’t quite decided where to scatter them yet.

My son’s 13 came in a plastic container and we had them scattered at sea so he could go “travelling” around the world. DH’s arrived yesterday can’t decide what to do.