Estranged from mum for 30 years. She died last week.

[spacewitch99]

My mum and I always had a very difficult relationship. My earliest memory was when I was three and she picked me up and threw me across the room - my newborn baby sister had just returned from hospital and my mum thought I was going to wake her. My mum was admitted to hospital soon afterwards with purpural
psychosis.

Fast forward to teenage years and every memory I have of that time is of embarrassment and fear of my mum. She was physically and verbally abusive.

At 21, I wrote to her GP to get help and was told I needed to be the one who helped her.

So I walked away. And stayed away.

I never hated her. I just felt huge sadness for a mum I wanted and never had. I was so envious of friends who had great relationships with their mums. I became a mum to two fabulous daughters and every day I do all I can to be the mum I never had.

My mum died last week and I found out 2 days later. I always wondered how I would feel. I actually feel at peace. And relieved she didn’t die alone or in pain.

I am going to her funeral next week - my mum’s friends and carers will be there.

Do I try to explain or say nothing?

[So as not to drip feed - my mum and dad got divorced when I was in my 20s. My dad died 15 years ago. He had no idea of the abuse over the years (he worked long hours) and I was extremely close to him. His death was sudden and I miss him every day. I have a sister (mentioned) but she and I also don’t speak - other issues that I won’t go into here]

Just add - I am in my 50s now (to put ages into context)

I would go, but sit quietly at the back. You don't need to explain, but having a planned phrase for what to say if asked is a good idea.

"We had a difficult relationship, but I've come to pay my respects".

What @oznia said

Hope you are ok

You may find that the lovely people on the Stately Homes thread in the Relationships topic will have some good advice and a similar experience to you.

Sorry to read this OP, that must have been a very difficult situation for you. A credit to you that you are no doubt a brilliant mum to your own daughters. Lots of love x

I'm so sorry for the difficulties you had with your mum, but glad you could seperate yourself from her and now have found peace in her death.

As PP said, have a phrase ready e.g. "We were amicably estranged, I'm here to say goodbye" Or something similar that suits you but doesn't share too much if you don't wish to. Be prepared for the people who knew her recently to have heard different stories about you, it may be that they have been lied to or know more than you think.

Attending funeral will be a good underline and closure for you

almost a physical marker

I’m sorry for what you went through as a child young adult and hope that you have all you have ever wanted with your own family

If your sister was not estranged from her she may wonder why you are there and consider your presence inappropriate. Your mother sounds like she was really unwell and you walked away. If your sister "stayed to help her" she might be angry at you for walking away?
Might you cause a scene by going?

I would go and sit at the back.

If anybody does try to shame you for not having stuck around for 30 years of qbuse, have a good neutral shut down remark ready.

Glad you're at peace

I'm guessing the chief mourner at the funeral will be your sister. Do you think you'll be welcome or will your going cause trouble? Is it likely to be well attended, if so you could hide out at the back. But if just a few people then maybe it's not such a good idea.

@WindowsSmindows ''Your mother sounds like she was really unwell and you walked away.''

That comment was really unnecessary. It is not the OP's job to care for a disturbed parent who is abusing her.

She tried to get help from healthcare professionals who simply ignored her.

She took the only option she had to get a decent life of her own and to protect herself. Often the best thing to do with toxic people is to walk away.

Nobody should have to stay in an abusive relationship. Funny how people will support someone who walks away from an abusive partner or friend (and rightly so) but if you walk away from an abusive parent/family member then there is something wrong with you...

I am no contact with my relatives and chose not to go to my abusive father's funeral. I had no love or affection for him and I would have felt like a fraud pretending to care and be sad at the funeral. My mother has always behaved appallingly too, lying, manipulating, physically and verbally violent and always failed to protect me from my father's abuse. I want no contact with her and will also not have anything to do with her funeral when she dies.

When I finally spoke about the abuse and her mental health issues, the rest of her relatives shut me down and refused to acknowledge she had issues, even though at the time she was under psychiatric care in hospital. They chose to pretend it was just a temporary depression and that my parents were ''too nice'' for anything to have happened. I cut contact at this point, my mother could have finally got the medical help needed after years of denial but no one was listening so I washed my hands of it all.

Anyway, OP you should go to the funeral if that is what you want but I would stay clear of trying to ''justify'' yourself and don't expect any happy reunion or understanding. Do it for yourself and to get closure if that it what you want.