Death anniversary

[CHiSOCG]

My friend’s husband died. Last year. Very very tragically. A sudden heart issue, she tried to resuscitate him. He died two days later in hospital/ he didn’t wake in the time he was in hospital. He was 40. They have 3 DC. He was a runner/super healthy.

a number of us rallied around to help making meals etc and we were abroad when it was the funeral.

my friend and I were close 4-5 years ago but grew apart. DC different ages/pandemic etc but I’d always say hello catch up on school run etc

I’ve suggested a coffee/a walk but she’s always said yes that would be lovely but then we’ve not met.

its the 1 year anniversary coming up.

what would you do? I think of her often , everyday. I send her the odd note and she’ll send me a little emoji back. I’m not asking for anything. I think she knows I’m here for her. I just wanted to do something for her but I don’t know what.

I’ve seen her talk to others but when she sees me her eyes really well up, she really struggles and says she has to go. I just want to give her the biggest hug.

If you are available (ie not at work) I would send a message a couple of days before and say that you are thinking of her and the dc, and that you are available to do whatever you can to help. Say that you understand if she just wants to shut the world out and cry, but you are available to be called at any time, or that you can drive her somewhere, or come and sit with her and fend off other callers if that is what she wants, or go away from the house for the day, or cook for her, or do whatever it is that might help, and that - if she thinks she wants to be alone and then changes her mind, you will come then, or if she thinks she wants you to be with her and changes her mind, you won't be offended and will leave.
That way she knows he has been remembered. She knows she doesn't have to do anything she doesn't feel like doing. There is no 'expectation'. She knows you are there for her but that she doesn't have to take up the offer if she doesn't want to.

Thank you that’s really helpful. I know she has a large family both sides and they’re local. She does have a closer bunch of friends too. I spoke with one of her very close friends a few weeks back and she said she’s just very busy/getting on with it. She said it’s busy cos of the young DC. She range 10-3.

I'm not sure from your message whether the meet ups don't happen because she isn't interested or because you don't then arrange something.

When my DH died lots of people said "oh we must do xyz" but never followed up on it and I was not in a place to take on sorting arrangements, contacting them etc.

There were some people who were amazing, with undemanding messages and offers of specific help and meet ups (would you like to meet for a coffee at x time at y place, or let me know if a different time works better, but no worried if you can't) that didn't require me to arrange something.

I would just send a thinking of you text on the anniversary and then try meet up with her a few weeks later. I'm sure she'll be spending the anniversary with the family and probably won't have head space for replying so don't put any questions in the text. Then in a few weeks ask her out for a walk or lunch.

She must be run off her feet with three young children and then her grief on top. I wouldn't read much into her not meeting up in the past.

Can you afford to send a nice treat through the post ? There are companies that will send a small box of macrons (the French pastry not president) or chocolates for around £25. Just to show you are thinking of them, you can include a message along the lines of "know this is a tough time for you, lots of love to you all. I'll text on Friday about arranging a coffee date, no pressure if you're too busy or not up to it".

You are giving warning so she can think about it, invitation not a summons, as the MN mantra goes.

I would send a message saying your thinking of her, mentioning a couple of dates that you are free and asking if she'd like to meet. That way she has a definite offer rather than a vague open ended offer.

I asked last time what day her little one was at nursery and then we could meet one of those days but she didn’t respond back. I don’t know which days he’s in nursery.

I know she’s absolutely just exhausted I see it in her. Thank you for the advice.0

I’ve sent some dates today and said even if got little one it’d be super to meet as I would like to see him too. But just thought what might be easier for her

She may well prefer to meet with the kids so she has an extra pair of hands.

It may be that an offer to babysit might be appreciated more than an offer to meet for coffee ?

I don't mean this nastily at all, but I would leave it. If she's sending emojis back and nothing else, to me it would say 'thank you for thinking of me but I have no desire to take this any further'. She will have her support circle around her. It's kind that you care so much though.

On the anniversary of dd’s death I get lots of messages. I appreciate it but also find it odd. It’s not a trauma I want to remember, and to me it’s 365 days a year. Having said that, I would send a message along the lines of just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you today and I’m so sorry you are going through this and reiterate your offer of support.

Yes I thought as much. Which I 100% accept. Least she knows I’m always here.

So sorry @Eek3under3 for your loss. Thank you so much for your advice. I’ve taken it on board.

An acquaintance of mine lost their only child a few years ago @CHiSOCG and I used to send texts occasionally, saying thinking of you. She would always send some emojis back but as time went by, I started to wonder if it was the 'right' thing to do.

It was a very different situation to yours but similar in some ways. I wanted to carry on showing that I cared but I knew she had a lot of support from her family and close friends. It's hard to know what to do sometimes.

I think it’s always better to acknowledge loss. The fact people can’t always respond doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate it, and it means the person they loved is being remembered. I would just drop a card with a nice note through the door.

Thank you @Luredbyapomegranate I lost a parent young (they were young too). The worse was people who just didn’t acknowledge it.