haunting face of dying DF (TW)

[youllneedthisfish]

My DF is dying - likely today. He has advanced dementia and Parkinson's.

Me and my DM spent 7 hours yesterday by his bed watching and listening and trying to discern changes in breathing that might signal the end - it was awful. He is not conscious anymore and hasn't eaten or drunk for 28 hours. We are about to head back to the nursing home after some hours off. This morning his breathing was regular and relaxed. We don't know how long this will take :-(

We are both haunted by his face. There is nothing of him - bones and slack flesh in arms and legs, nose is just cartilage and skin, eyes are sunken right under his eyebrows, mouth open and eyes glazed over and half open. Its horrible to see and will haunt us both for a long time.

Can anyone recommend ways to stop seeing this image day and night? its not a way to remember someone is it??

@youllneedthisfish

I am so sorry to read that your father has died. I have been reading this thread as I have been through similar and hoped that I would be able to offer some support.

It sounds like his last weeks were peaceful (terrible, but peaceful). Please be kind to yourself when thing are so, so raw for you.

Seeing my Mother look so awful during her last weeks helped me accept that it was her time. It was too soon and it was a dreadful way to die (cancer) but her body was slowly shutting down and the scientist in me could reconcile her appearance with the end of her life.

I feel so thankful that she had access to good medical care so her last weeks were not as painful as they might have been. I also feel blessed that we were able to be by her side. It brings me comfort to remember us 5 children and my Dad sitting by her side as she took her last breaths. It was, in its own way, a beautiful moment - so quiet and intimate.

What haunts me more is seeing her in the funeral home a couple of weeks later. The person I saw in the coffin looked more like the healthy Mum and (again, maybe due to my scientific nature) wondered what had been done to change her. I don't think many people feel this way. I don't regret seeing her, I made the decision myself, but I wish I hadn't.

We saw my dad unconscious and on breathing apparatus which was hard to see - he had blood around his nose from the suction to stop his airways filling with mucus and had his mouth open. And it was weird because he always wore glasses and he wasn’t wearing them. He had a stroke and died a few days later and never regained consciousness, so he looked relatively normal other than his mouth being open so I can’t imagine how hard it must be if someone has had a long illness.

it haunts me that we weren’t there when he died. We knew he was going to die but they said it could take days, so after spending all day at the hospital we went home. He died a few hours later. I wish we’d been there but part of me feels that he almost chose to go when we weren’t there to spare us the image, that’s what I like to think anyway. But I still imagine it and him being alone and feel awful.

what I’ve found really helpful is to put pictures of him happy all over the house, and talk about favourite memories with friends and family. We don’t talk about when he was dying. 3 months have gone by and I’ve found that in time you start to think about the happy memories more than the dying part, I wonder if it’s the brain protecting us.

hugs xxx

Hello OP,
been through this with my Mum.
similar to the poster above I found EMDR very comforting and helped. I had one session and was able to deal with the memories much better and sleep well again. X

Sorry for your loss.

I hope that there is also a relief at him now being at peace, and do remember that it is ok to feel that relief as well as your grief.

❤️❤️

OP, I'm sorry for what you're going through right now. My own DF died from pancreatic cancer and it was agony watching him deteriorate and seeing the pain he was in.

I don't want to cause any upset, and I know I'm getting ahead of things, but just want to say you may want to consider making a chapel visit to your DF after he has passed. I'm a funeral arranger in my experience the preparation and embalming process can make a big difference to their appearance. We often get told that loved ones look so much better and more at peace. Your dad obviously won't look how he was before he became ill, but it may help in that your last memory of him won't be of the pained expression on his face.

Me too. I was very reluctant, but it really helped.

Sorry OP, please forgive my last post. I didn't see the second page with your update that your dear father has already died. I do apologise

I am so sorry to hear that you have lost your Dad.

I experienced something sort of similar when my Dad died just over a year ago. We weren't able to be with him as he died due to Covid restrictions (and he didn't even have Covid) but did see him afterwards and he looked awful. Not himself at all, mouth hanging slightly open and face somehow in what I might describe as a silent scream. Awful.

For me it did help to go and see him a week or so later in the funeral director's chapel of rest. The funeral director we had chosen was a man who knew my Dad when he was alive and they did a great job of tidying him up and making him look much more like himself (just peacefully asleep). I will always be glad that that image at the hospital shortly after his death was not my last ever memory of how he looked.

Like others have also said, I also push out the bad memories and let the happier ones take over. Memories of him as a younger man, full of life and a loving husband and father. We chose a photo of him when he was little more than in his very late teens because it was a lovely one, and was how he looked when he and my mother first met.

Be kind to yourselves and each other. This is a very hard time, but it does slowly get easier, bit by little bit as you learn to process what has happened and live with it.

I'm sorry for your loss OP, may your Father rest in peace.

I second the EMDR recommendation, I've had it, and it takes the edge off haunting memories (I seem to have acquired a few of those, unfortunately!). Basically you go through the memory with a therapist repetitively, interspersed by listening to a sort of ticking noise. No idea how it works, but it might be worth a try.