My DH's funeral is on Tuesday

[Lalaland50]

I've posted before about my DH who died on May 12 this year from complications after a stem cell transplant. His death was traumatic and relatively unexpected as the transplant was meant to cure him, but a number of factors meant that he died from multi-organ failure after 4 months in isolation in hospital. I am feeling particularly horrendous this morning as I had a dream that he was still alive and he had another chance at the transplant. Waking up this morning and realising he has gone, I just feel sick and have no idea how I'm going to get through the funeral.

I'm getting insensitive messages from friends, who i'm sure mean well, but saying things like "devastated to think we are saying goodbye to him" when I just can't see it like that. I can't see it as a goodbye. He needs to stay in my and my kid's hearts. He was so alive and full of energy and the most enthusiastic person I've ever met.

I have some diazepam to get through the funeral, and I still have to write a tribute, although I don't know if I'll be able to say it. I just can't believe it had to be him. He didn't deserve it and neither did my kids to lose their dad.

I don't feel like I spent long enough with him in the hospital after he died (lots of awful things happened in ICU before and after his death) which meant that i am making a complaint. But I think I have the chance to see him before the funeral, and wondering if I should do that.

I am having therapy, and trying to get help for my kids, but there's long waiting lists for the bereavement charities. My 9 year old is autistic, and goes to mainstream school, but is in complete denial about it and i'm worried about how she's coping too. It is honestly a nightmare and I don't know how to get through this.

Thinking of you and your family @Lalaland50 , your husband is now resting and in peace, hope the day goes smoothly.

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry for your loss. My brother died a few years back in similar circumstances (Lymphoma, waiting for a transplant and he just went downhill). I can relate to what you've said about needing to keep your husband in your heart - in grief counselling I came up with the statement "I know I need to let him go" (about my brother), an unbearably sad thought. I've since realised I don't need to let him go at all, in fact I now feel quite strongly that the people we love come home somehow. I sense it strongly even though I don't quite understand what it means.

You will get through this, I suspect you'll learn something about your own strength and resilience on the way. I send you supporting wishes.

@Lalaland50 I know their head office is Manchester but there's no mention of just working in that area. Perhaps do a self referral form, they may know of others who can help if they can't.

self referr*

Sending very best wishes @Lalaland50

I am so very sorry for your loss OP and hope that you are being well supported by family members and friends today.
If you haven't done so already I wonder if it's worth you contacting the charity Grief Encounter to see if they can offer some support for you and your children.

I have no personal experience of the work they do as I came across them quite by chance via Instagram when I began to follow posts by Tim Williams who at the time was walking the coast of England to raise funds for them.
He lost his father in very sad circumstances when he was a school boy and his just giving page explained just why he wanted to support the charity's work and how he wished the services they offer had been available to him then.
The charity's website shows the type of support they are able to provide for children of all ages and so far as I can tell it seems that if they are providing support to the children they can also provide one to one counselling for the surviving parent/carer. There is also a free telephone helpline available from 9am to 9pm each day.
Thinking of you and sending caring thoughts your way.

Thank you all. @FatArse123 I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so hard to comprehend the deterioration my DH went through. I really love what you said about the people we love coming home somehow. I really want to believe it. thank you so much. My DH was only 51 and he had so much more life to live, which I find just devastating.