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Bereavement

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Original poster

My heart is breaking

51 replies

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 13/01/2008 18:38

For the last couple of weeks DS1 has had moments where he has been very angry but can't seem to tell me why.

Yesterday he talked of stabbing himself a got a knife from the drawer. (I was right there so no real danger.)

Talked again today about wanting to die. He has bruises on his legs, he's typical boy, and when I asked him why he had then he said he wanted to die.

I just went up to see him (he's in bed) and asked if he wanted to talk to me (what about?) about why he is so fierce all the time. He wants Great Nanny alive again. I asked if if he talks about dying because he wants to be with her. (Yes.) I asked what about Mummy as he would leave me behind. He turned over to go to sleep.

Please help me.

OP posts:
Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 13/01/2008 20:41

Thank you.

I did tell him she was looking down on him like an angel and a star but he wanted to know how.

I will see what WW come back with and maybe give them a ring.

Getting some of her things on Tuesday that he is allowed to have and I have givenhim 2 pics of him with her ti have under his pillow.

Will try your glove suggestion tmw.

OP posts:
kittywise · 13/01/2008 20:42

Meant listen

Twiglett · 13/01/2008 20:42

oh another thing is possibly drawing a picture / writing a message to her and tying it to a helium balloon .. there is something very real about watching it float away

or possibly planting a tree in her memory .. somewhere he can visit easily (your garden?)

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 13/01/2008 20:46

Thank you kittywise -we x-posted.

I will try that too. I wish I was better at managing my time to do all these things with his.

Will also ask him if he would like to do the balloon but I wonder if it would make him sad to see that go too.

It all happened so quick. We told them GN was ill at 1pm and had to tell them at 6 she had died,

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shabster · 13/01/2008 20:47

Hi again - although Compassionate Friends are a self help group for bereaved parents I am positive that they will be able to help you. They produce some very good leaflets about a childs grief with some helpful tips.Their head office is 53 North St, Bristol,BS3 1EN and their phone number is 0845 120 3785 - if they cant help they will point you in right direction. You probably have already done this but make sure his teacher is completely aware of what is happening to him poor little fellow - my heart goes out to him

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 13/01/2008 20:48

We are going to write a note for the teacher as she knew GN had died but she said he seemed fine in class.

I am going to bed very soon so thank you all for your support.

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shabster · 13/01/2008 20:50

Hope things are soon better. My son was also 'fine' in class but they have to put on a kind of show there dont they. Would definitly talk to her about it. Good luck with everything - shout up if you need any more help xxxx

Twiglett · 13/01/2008 20:50

you can't avoid sadness I'm afraid .. and at times of grief sadness is a far better outlet than pain I feel .. I think, without meaning to lecture, that what you are looking to do is provide him with a safe and meaningful outlet for his grief

I believe with a sudden death that there is a lack of closure .. and it is possibly this that you need to help him bridge

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 13/01/2008 20:51

He is also upset that he wasn't able to go to the hospital to see her.

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bozza · 13/01/2008 21:00

Actually nab in a lot of ways he sounds quite emotionally mature. My Grandad died on Thursday and DH told the children and also mentioned that they should be nice to Mummy because I am sad. DS (7 in Feb so same age) has shown no grief at all. He has worked it through in his mind though and asked lots of practical questions regarding his death and coffin and funeral that night after his story. DD (3) has told me that she is not sad but I think she really has no concept of what has happened.

So for your DS to feel this way seems like he is quite emotionally complex but as a child still struggling to deal with it (but then don't we all). I think you have lots of good, practical suggestions here to help you help your DS so I hope some of them work for you and him.

Twiglett · 13/01/2008 21:16

nearly forgot strongly recommend Michael Rosen's Sad Book

particularly for a 7 year old

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 14/01/2008 13:43

Sorry for your loss, Bozza. Thank you for your suggestions.

Thank you for the book idea, Twiglett.

We wrote a letter for the teacher saying how he wanted to die to be with her and also that he is upset about some other things including feeling got at by some girls in school. I expect she will want a word with me at pick up time. School hasn't rung so I am assuming he is okay. I felt my heart was breaking for him this morning taking him to school as he said he didn't want to go as he was too sad.

OP posts:
dividedselfridgesxmaswindow · 14/01/2008 14:26

Hey Nab, re. my 'have i upset you' question...I just asked because I might have been too forthright Hope not.

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 14/01/2008 14:27

Goodness, no.

Will go and reread your post (just in case!)

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Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 14/01/2008 14:29

Nope, tis all fine.

I have no problem with people being firm with me about anything tbh as sometimes I just need someone to tell me what to do!

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dividedselfridgesxmaswindow · 14/01/2008 14:30

Oh good! I hope you manage to turn things around with all the fab advice here.

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 14/01/2008 14:39

Feeling sick and nervous about going to get him. But can't wait to see him.

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dividedselfridgesxmaswindow · 14/01/2008 17:46

How's it gone?

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 14/01/2008 17:49

I had to get DD first but he came out okay but the first thing he said was he was still feeling . We have had a nice afternoon, I bought him the sausages he wanted for tea, have had homemade lollies for tea and he wanted to make French Bread so we have just done that. They are watching the end of Charlie and The Chocolate Factory that they started on last night and then it will be story and an early night. The teacher didn't ask to speak to me nor has she written anything in his contact book. Bit surprised tbh about that but we will see how we go.

Thanks for asking.

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dividedselfridgesxmaswindow · 14/01/2008 18:11

Oh dear. At least you are talking about it I guess though eh?

I really liked the lightbulb of feelings idea that someone posted.

Surprising school didn't respond in some way. Very surprising actually. Will you speak to them directly if they don't catch yopu tomorrow for a word?

I could be reading waaaaaaaaaay too much into your post just now but just a leetle word of warning against letting ds choose what he does too often during this insecure phase. It my seem lovely, and mostly it is but it can also be contributory to that feeling of being too much in control. He might you need to make most of the choices for a bit - right down to what fun stuff you do. It might not matter in your case but for some children (ime) every matter they feel they have control over pushes them further into feelings of insecurity.

Also, quite regularly I have seen insecure children push and push and push for control at home and this is a sure sign that they are needing and asking for the opposite. They are crying out to be told "no".

Ignore of course but the above advice has helped one little boy I worked with so thought I'd mention.

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 14/01/2008 18:16

The choices I let him make seemed minor ones tbh and I just wanted to do something nice for him. He won't be allowed to get away with unacceptable behaviour but choosing his tea and making bread together are fine. We both enjoyed making the bread and he will love having it in his lunch box tmw.

Off to bath the little one now. "Oh, we weeeed Mummy!"

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dividedselfridgesxmaswindow · 14/01/2008 18:19

I kind of figured, which is why I added a bit of a disclaimer. Hope that's okay but saw opportunity to mention since it kinda came up.

Hope tomorrow goes well.

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 14/01/2008 19:17

Going to get a box of Great Nanny's things tmw am for him so he is happy about that.

The grave stone could be 6 months so MIL may take him next weekend to put flowers there.

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corblimeymadam · 14/01/2008 20:56

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Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 14/01/2008 21:50

I think he may talk to MIL but I am more worried about what she would say to him. She is very religious. She has said she will take him to the graveyard next week. Bit miffed she hasn't asked if okay. I made a comment about if he wants to go it is okay but if he isn't sure, not to take him.

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