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Bereavement

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Original poster

My heart is breaking

51 replies

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 13/01/2008 18:38

For the last couple of weeks DS1 has had moments where he has been very angry but can't seem to tell me why.

Yesterday he talked of stabbing himself a got a knife from the drawer. (I was right there so no real danger.)

Talked again today about wanting to die. He has bruises on his legs, he's typical boy, and when I asked him why he had then he said he wanted to die.

I just went up to see him (he's in bed) and asked if he wanted to talk to me (what about?) about why he is so fierce all the time. He wants Great Nanny alive again. I asked if if he talks about dying because he wants to be with her. (Yes.) I asked what about Mummy as he would leave me behind. He turned over to go to sleep.

Please help me.

OP posts:
DANCESwithaMuffinTop · 13/01/2008 18:39

Oh Nab How old is he?

notjustmom · 13/01/2008 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lazylou · 13/01/2008 18:42

How upsetting for you and your DS . Is there a special place he shared with Great Nanny? Maybe you could use this as a way of showing him that he can be 'with her'. What about talking to her and reassuring DS that she can hear him?

I don't know what else to say, but for you and hope someone with some better advice comes by soon.

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 13/01/2008 18:42

I keep forgetting to put how old he is. He will be 7 in March.

OP posts:
DANCESwithaMuffinTop · 13/01/2008 18:45

You need Twig I think. She's always good at bereavement stuff, I'll see if I can find her. Take care.

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 13/01/2008 19:14

I feel a failure for not realising sooner this is what was wrong. I knew he was upset but not that he was/would be affected this much.

How can I get him to talk to me more? Is this normal for almost 7 year old boys not to talk emotions to their parents?

OP posts:
DANCESwithaMuffinTop · 13/01/2008 19:16

Would Winston's Wishes be any good, they are for dealing with childhood bereavement aren't then? Maybe you could have a look at their website? Sorry, I really don't know how to help otherwise. I did leave a message for Twig on another thread.

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 13/01/2008 19:17

Will do a search for WInston's Wishes. Thank you.

OP posts:
ProfessorGrammaticus · 13/01/2008 19:19

Yes 7 year olds talk emotions - try to listen and not lay your own onto him.

Chocolatedays · 13/01/2008 19:21

Hi Nab
Sorry you are going through such a tough time. Have you heard of Winston's Wish. They have some fantastic work books to help children come to terms with death ... and they have advisers who could help you work through this together.

www.winstonswish.org.uk/

Best wishes

Choc

dividedselfridgesxmaswindow · 13/01/2008 19:21

Just from that teeny tiny snapshot you have typed there and something poignant i watched on a video at work from a prenting course, i'd say - professionally - that he feels like things are out of control and when you say that you'd be left behind just maybe he feels ENORMOUS pressure, confusion, guilt and fear nd he needs some VERY strong parenting to make him feel safe again.

By strong parenting i mean consistent, loving secure stuff where boundaries are solid and love is ever present and tangible.

love to you both x

jennykb · 13/01/2008 19:22

When my MIL died, who had been living with us, the hospice gave us a kind of workbook for my dd (5 years 0ld). I was very skeptical of it, as we are a family who generally talk about things and I thought we wouldn't need it. But she loved it and I was amazed at how much more came out as she worked through it. She still looks at it and talks more each time, 5 months down the line. Some parts were too advanced so might suit your ds better. I can't remember what it was called but I have it upstairs and when I know my dd is a asleep, I will go up and find it and post the name. Try no to take it personally that he rolled over - I think he just needs you to understand how sad he is without having to worry about hurting your feelings. Hope I'm not speaking out of turn.

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 13/01/2008 19:24

I don't put my emotions on to him but I guess I do put words inhis mouth but I do that to try and get to the bottom of it, as he doesn't express himself and I am not sure he can at times.

Have had a look at WW but not sure how they could help us, specifically but have given me some things to think about.

I am the worst person to be strong. I am so not.

I try and tell him how much I love him but he doesn't believe me.

OP posts:
dividedselfridgesxmaswindow · 13/01/2008 19:29

Nab - remember no one is going to be an expert at this. You are doing what you feel is right.

Being consistent about day to day stuff might be a good start and if you can't get him to talk about his grief perhaps you could start speaking aloud yourself about his Nanny and emotional stuff of your own without being burdensome.? So, maybe light referenes to positive and negative emotions with perhaps some clue as to how you will overcoem it.

"i feel really sad and miss nanny today so i'm going to make myself a nice cup of tea and think about some nice memories for a bit and then tke some flowers to the cemetery" or some such.

jennykb · 13/01/2008 19:32

The workbook is called Muddles, Puddles, and Sunshine by Diana Crossley. Not usually my sort of thing, but it really did open up a lot for my dd.

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 13/01/2008 19:32

jennykb That would be great, thank you. You didn't speak out of turn. I didn't take him turning over personally, I just felt sad he didn't want to talk anymore but I didn't force it.

We are going to take flowers to the grave once the stone is there. MAybe suggest he does a pic to leave for her or is that wrong?

OP posts:
jennykb · 13/01/2008 19:37

A picture would be nice, if he likes the idea. You could suggest he do a picture of some of the things he misses about her, if you think he can cope with that, and maybe another one of something that he would like her to know about what he is doing now that she didn't get to know about. But it will be important for you to be able to handle whatever does come out, if he does go down that route.

Chocolatedays · 13/01/2008 19:41

Hi Nab
You may find these two useful.

Muddles, puddles & sunshine

A Child's Grief

Don't be hard on yourself - It takes al long time for all of us to deal with grief.

dividedselfridgesxmaswindow · 13/01/2008 19:51

Shit Nab, have I peeed you off/upset you?

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 13/01/2008 20:02

No, dsxw. Went off to do jobs. What makes you say that?

OP posts:
Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 13/01/2008 20:27

Have emailed WW and asked for advice.

OP posts:
shabster · 13/01/2008 20:36

Have a little bit of experience on a young childs grief - my son, who is now 26, lost his twin brother at 7 months and his 7 year old brother when he was 10. I think his biggest fear was separation - you know going in school and me not being around him. Endless amounts of love and sticking to your word in everything really helps. I think maybe Compassionate Friends may be able to help - I will go and get the details and message back

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 13/01/2008 20:37

Thank you.

Sorry for your losses.

OP posts:
Twiglett · 13/01/2008 20:38

Hi NAB .. oh poor you so difficult to deal with.

I would agree with the WinstonsWish concept .. at least give the helpline a call because they are trained in how to deal with children's grief and they can listen to your actual circumstances and give you useful and practical advice.

I would wonder what his understanding of death is? I don't know whether you are religious or not . I certainly am atheistic but I do believe in spirit .. I told my children a simplified and visual story about spirit (which I could stomach) along the lines of:

copy and paste: "I put a hand in a glove (well in a sock cos I couldn't find a glove)

I said to DS .. "this is you .. the glove is your body" (wiggling fingers all around), "but the hand is the bit that is really you and some people call that your soul or your spirit" (keep on wiggling)

"when you die your spirit goes on" (gently take hand out of glove and make it keep wiggling and swooping around .. tickling him works too as you gently lay the glove down on the ground)

keeping his attention on the hand swooping I said "when you die you don't need your body any more so your spirit leaves it behind" .. spirit hand keeps swooping and talk descends into tickling

You could also consider a memory box for him .. maybe help him decorate a box devoted to her and put in memories of her that he can look at whenever he feels low

I am really not expert at this, but I hope it helps

kittywise · 13/01/2008 20:40

nab, my 9 year old ds has recently been hiding a bloody great bread knife under his pillow.

When I asked him about it he said that he gets so angry and sad that he want s to cut himself to let it all out

After the initial horror and sickness had past I decided to do a "feelings" chart with him every evening. I've done it like a bulb thermometer with good at the top and bad at the bottom and then grades in between.

I actually got him to decided all the phrases he wants. So at the top he has " really fabulous day" and at the bottom "worst day ever".
I then drew it ( badly) onto large sheet of paper , stuck it onto some card. Every evening he puts a marker where he feels he is emotionally at the end of that day.

We then discuss why he has chosen that place and what good/ not so good things have happened to him that day.

We also discuss positive things that we have done that day, this helps me too.

I have found that he has greatly improved since we've been doing this ( just before christmas).

It is important for him to feel that he has a voice and has dedicated time when I am there just to listen to him. It is really important that it is done without judgment and without me trying to "fiX' things for him.
It would make it worse for him if I went with my initial instinct to say "there, there, it's ok, it doesn't matter, you'll be ok" ( I really WANT to say this all the time)

Having the chart also means that he has a springboard from which to discuss his feelings. It is quite difficult to do it on demand.

By doing this I am hoping to catch some of those angry and upset emotions before they get out of control

God, sorry I've rambled on I hope this idea helps