I lied to my son about suicide

[BrylcreamBeret]

Hello anyone who reads this, please take this as an advanced trigger warning because the subject matter is dark.

Since 2017 I have lost a close family member every year in horrific circumstances, a body was found in 3 out of the 5 occasions and it has been a nightmare. My little boy was 4 when it began and we were able to shield him from every terrible detail and just gently explain that ordinarily people are supposed to live for a long time but the people that we loved were poorly. The worst was when my sister took her life, it was during the pandemic and my son was 7 and asked why she died. I'm ashamed to admit that I said it was Covid related because I made the decision that he was too little to understand. I feel sick knowing he could find out the truth when he's older, I don't want him to know about the mental health issues in our family because I'm terrified that he will be the next to suffer from depression, anxiety or trauma. A thread on here tonight was filled with judgements because a mum lied to her son about why his dad is in prison because he will find out the truth. I am scared out of my gourd because I've spent so long trying to forget the trauma of my childhood and adult life and make his life lovely but there's no escaping the darkness that surrounds my family. I'm rambling now, my heart is pounding and I think that thread has "triggered" me. I'm sorry about this, I don't talk about this to.anyone in real life because I'm trying to move on. What have I done?

I'm so sorry about what happened to your sister, OP. I've been in a very similar situation to you, and found the below to be a useful link.

winstonswish.org/explain-suicide-to-children/

Within this page (which is worth reading in full), there's the following text, about precisely this situation:

What to do if you didn’t tell a child about a suicide immediately
It may be that you found it difficult to talk about suicide immediately after the death and you gave your child a different explanation. If this is the case it is possible to go back and explain things again. You could try something like this:
“You know I told you that Steve died from a heart attack? Well, I’d now like to tell you a bit more about it. When Steve died it was hard to explain exactly what happened and it was hard for me to think straight. But now I’d like to tell you more about how your brother died.”
Older children may feel hurt to have been initially protected from the full facts. In these circumstances it can help to say something like:
“I have been impressed by how you’ve been coping since dad died and I think you’re mature enough to know some more about what happened when he died.”