Brother taking over
SuperTiredAgain · 22/05/2022 00:05
This is long. No need to read, just nice to rant! Sorry!
So we're selling mum's house as she v v sadly died a few months ago. When we put it on the market, as I live near by, I went round and cleaned it for the estate agent visiting, and I put all the little trinkets and photos from the surfaces and shelves etc.. in boxes, or in cupboards to make the photos nice and uncluttered. I threw nothing away and it's all in a couple of small boxes in my garage or in mums cupboards. I've told brother we should look through the boxes together. He was a bit annoyed I'd removed the items from the surfaces and I said sorry, but we can look through all the items together any time he wants and he can have all/any if he wants, and he can take the stuff back out of the cupboards and boxes if he wants now the photos are done.
We now have to clear the house as selling fast. I suggested we make dates to meet to go through stuff together, but he bought his family up before I was able to meet and they made a start packing stuff into boxes ahead of me. I said that's all fine, but can you leave mums clothes please as I want to look through them. He said sure. He said he doesn't want any of her clothes so will leave to me to choose what I want and pack up the rest.
Then we met together on another day, just the two of us, to clear more of the house but every time I touched anything he said he wanted to see it, and anything I suggested throwing out, he said he wanted to see first - so I felt 'what role is there for me'? I can't pack anything or throw anything as he wants to see it all, so he might as well do it himself. He has reached this conclusion too, so he and his wife have decided to get a storage facility and he and his wife and child spent all day today packing up everything to put in storage so he can look at it all again in his own time. Again, I said fine and thanks (I was upset to be honest, as I thought we could do this together, but instead he and his wife have taken over the whole day and I'm not involved), but I asked him, please can you leave mums clothes as I want to see them. He said sure. I said this a few times. He agreed.
I feel pissed off there is no role for me. I want to help but there is nothing I'm allowed to touch/move, so I had to let him and his family sort mums stuff without me.
I feel upset because I saw him tonight and said I would go to mum's house tomorrow so I feel I'm helping, and if there's nothing else I'm allowed to do, at least I can have a look at the clothes. He said - 'oh you can't, we've boxed them up and taken them to storage'.
I know this shouldn't bother me. He and his wife worked so hard today and were there for hours and hours. But I just feel really pushed aside and pissed off that that only thing I specifically asked him, he completely ignored. Now I'll have to work out how to get access to the storage facility and ask him what boxes mums clothes are in, so I can look at them. I wanted to look at them in her bedroom, where I felt close to her. I wanted to potter about in there. He knew that. I'm sad :(
ItWillBeOkHonestly · 23/05/2022 18:16
Ah, this is so painful. Have you spoken to your brother about your feelings? Grief does really strange things to people and I can totally understand his desire to not rush this process and put everything into storage. But at the same time she was your mum too and you need to play a role in all of this.
If it helps, after my mum died, my brother got all 'bossy' and 'controlly' and he upset us as he seemed to be making decisions about who would speak at the service etc with much consultation. We chatted it through and resolved it - I think he was just trying to be 'the man' and sort everything out but a quiet word soon sorted out the communication issues. I guess it'll depend on what your relationship is like with your brother and whether he's happy to listen to and respect your feelings.
Shouldbedoing · 23/05/2022 18:43
I feel for you. I have similar issues with my brother since we lost our Mum. My method is to bite my tongue and be the better person and vent to friends. Brother and I also live 200 miles apart so looking through things isn't easy. It can be hard to understand what it is he wants doing with things and any suggestion that I might for instance keep a cardigan and wear it to make use of it is greeted with horror as though I'm some greedy vulture. I'm letting him away with his 'I'm grieving more than you so I mustn't be upset' behaviour as Mum would have wanted us to be kind to one another. Its a very difficult time for you and emotions run high. You have your memories and your Mum will always be with you in your heart and your head.
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