Today is one of those days, I want to go to bed and not wake up

[bloodywhitecat]

I will start by saying I am absolutely not suicidal but if I went to bed tonight and didn't wake up then I wouldn't be sad about it. It's only been 11 weeks since DH died but I feel worse today than I did on the day he died. I am not depressed but I am grieving. I am waiting to start counselling with the hospice and I almost phone CRUSE today but I didn't know what I wanted to say so I didn't. I took myself out for a walk but it just made me miss him all the more. I am so tired of missing him. I just want him to come back, to come bounding through the door or to send me those daft texts he used to send me when he had a spare moment telling me about something and nothing and usually encouraging me to take it easy and put my feet up.

[whydoesitalwayshappentome]

So sorry to hear this. Nothing I can say will make you feel better, I wish it could, but thinking of you and sending an unmumsnetty hug.

[MyHaloSlipped]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I followed your previous threads and your husband sounded like a wonderful man, a fighter through the toughest times, as were you. I have no constructive advice to offer and for that I'm sorry. They say time heals all, however I found time made loss less painful. You are not alone and we are all here to help each other and lend an ear. Big hugs to you and your little ones. X

[CuriousCatfish]

It must be hard. I won't say it will get easier because it's hard to believe it will. You will learn to live with the hurt and loss though.

I hope you have some real life support but if chatting on MN helps there are a lot of willing listeners.

[anotherdisaster]

11 weeks is no time to deal with such a loss. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I hope you get counselling soon to help with the process.

[Beachcomber74]

How are you doing today? How blessed you were to have met someone who sent you funny messages & reminded you to put your feet up. He would be so proud of how you’re soldiering on.

[bloodywhitecat]

Thank you for asking. I am getting through each day. This weekend I have been starting getting ready to move one of the small people (I/we foster) to their new family, I hate this bit but it is so right at the same time and I know I will continue to feature in their lives. The other little person saw DH's photo on my phone today (it is my home screen) and they kept waving to DH it was so sweet but it broke my heart. They're 2 and non verbal, I think they thought it was like a video call.

I am moving forward though. I no longer have to go out at the weekend, I can stay at home. Weekends were hard to face alone as DH loved them so much, he loved getting out and doing. I found them hard because his last weekend was not a good one, he went downhill rapidly on the Saturday and died in the early hours of the Sunday morning. I still send him messages to let him know what we've been up to and I still sleep on 'my' side of the bed because going over to the other side feels wrong . I have got to grips with the lawnmower although it takes me an age to start it, it's a petrol mower which needs a pull start but I have relied on the neighbours to cut the hedge for me and last night I washed the car once the babies were in bed as it's about the only time of day I can do it without the help of a toddler.

[Lalaland50]

Hi there, we have crossed paths on another thread. I lost my wonderful DH on May 12 this year, following complications after a stem cell transplant. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong, so I have lots of regrets and traumatic memories. This weekend has been particularly hard as we had a football presentation for my DS13 which my DH would be been cheering and clapping the loudest at. The thing that makes me feel better....sometimes...well, not better exactly, but more "gritted" to soldier on, if that makes sense, is that I promised him at his funeral that I would be happy and I would make sure the children were happy. I know that he would have wanted this. So, it's kind of my mission to keep on living. I don't know if this helps anyone. Although i cried so loudly at the ceremony today, I'm not quite sure I lived up to my promise.

[bloodywhitecat]

@Lalaland50 You lived up to your promise by just being there, crying loudly is to be expected (or not, depends really). I understand exactly what you mean, I keep putting a smile on my face and facing the day because DH would want me to. I talk to him in my head all the time, I tell him all the mundane crap I would've told him had he been alive. We are doing our husbands proud.

[MrsOvertonsWindow]

It's small steps isn't it? No wise advice - just warm wishes from another one who understands the long journey you're on. x

[vickibee]

I lost my DH suddenly July last year, today is his birthday and I’m really struggling with it all.
I get through it by trying to find pleasure in small things, I bought myself a small bounce of flowers today and went for a walk. It’s just small steps day by day. Some days I feel like pulling the covers over my head, I didn’t open my curtains until noon today. It’s hard but your DH would want you to carrry on with life. Sending 🤗

[bloodywhitecat]

@vickibee I hope you have been able to find some peace in the day, anniversaries are so hard