I feel too okay - has anyone else felt like this?

[SomehowItsMay]

My beloved Dad died relatively suddenly about two months ago. He was my inspiration and my hero, and my reason for living life the way I do.

I've had a few moments/sad days of with intermittent gut-wrenching pain - like when the flood gates open it's unbearable. But for the past couple of weeks I've only had a little tear up here and there - I've seen friends, and got on with my work and done normal things.

I feel too okay - how can I be functioning this well when he was my whole world? It feels like a lie, like it doesn't reflect how much I loved him. It almost doesn't feel like it's happened sometimes.

I don't know if I'm in denial/avoiding and at some point it's going to hit me. Or if I genuinely am okay?

Has anyone else felt like this?

I'm really sorry for your loss. I think grief comes in waves and sometimes takes us by surprise. When I lost my lovely dad I had periods of feeling weirdly fine, and periods where I felt so lost in grief I didn't know how I was going to make it through the day, and the pattern was never really predictable. I think you just have to take it as it comes, and go easy on yourself.

I think it seems a normal reaction. We can’t be constantly sad and it’s been two months. I’m sorry for your loss.

Didn't want to read and run.

I didnt cry a lot when my dad died but it wasn't sudden so maybe I grieved longer? I did cry when I saw his casket, it looked so small and thin when he was 6ft and broad. It was a shock.

For me the moments came where I'd see something and think "oh dad would like that" and realise I can't tell him. It took a while for that to stop.

I think perhaps while your dad was your rock, he also set you up for independence. You live your life, as you said, the way he taught you. There's a certain poetry and peace to that.

I was similar but did fall apart 6 months later. Anniversaries/birthday/Father's Day etc were triggers for me.
Take care of yourself

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.
Hopefully you will get strength from your respect and love for him. Embrace it.
On the bad days let yourself go. Embrace it.
Bereavement works that way ime.
Be kind to yourself. 💐

I'm so very sorry for your loss
When people say there's no right way to grieve it's very true. I lost my Dad 18 months ago, similarly very suddenly and in a fairly traumatic way, I absolutely adored him he gave me a wonderful childhood and we had a fantastic relationship as adults.
I had moments of terrible upset in the beginning accompanied by huge guilt that due to Covid I wasn't allowed in the hospital to go and see him however I went back to work a week after he died, I supported my Mum and brother and just carried on. I have actually found the last few months the hardest, lots more tears, awful feelings, it's so hard but I just try to go with the feelings as they come.
Look after yourself OP.

Ive never really cried about death. My mum died when I was 7 and I never cried really about that either. My sister and gran died when I was in my late 20s. Dad at 40.

I think some people are just more accepting of death. It's ok not to cry.

I was in a very similar situation OP.

In my case, my dad died unexpectedly (but he had a long term progressive illness - just he became unexpectedly unwell while we were on holidays & died after a couple of weeks). He had had a very complicated condition & there had been several very difficult years.

The few weeks leading up to his death were awful - he was in terrible pain. I think I was completely traumatised from that.

When he died, I almost felt relieved. I wasn't 'sad' and I went back to work very quickly (Ireland so funeral happens quickly after death so I was back at work in a week). For about 6 months I was basically 'fine'.

But in reality I wasn't & I've had some very difficult moments in the nearly 4 years since. My mum has been devastated by this & cannot move on at all really. She isn't able to acknowledge anyone else's grief so that's hard too. My siblings have all dealt with it differently.

Often grief comes in different forms & stages. It's fine not to feel sad - whatever you feel is ok. You will probably go through different stages and might have episodes of heightened emotions. I'm very sorry you've lost your lovely dad 💐

No one grieves like they do in the movies. Youre normal. Id really recommend listening to Griefcast to hear how grief affects others.

Thankyou all for sharing your insights <3 I'm sorry that you've all been through this too. From what you've said it seems that it will happen in the way it happens - and not to fight it too much. And maybe not to feel bad about the 'feeling good' times as it sounds like there's a good chance some more 'feeling really sad' times are ahead of me at some point.

Thankyou @sykadelic for the way you wrote that last sentence - I think I'm going to hold onto that for now. He set me up for independence. I think that's true. 💚

@SomehowItsMay sorry you lost your dad.

When mine died (it wasn't a surprise though) I was very upset in the immediate aftermath, but quite calm and coped. After the initial 2-3 weeks and funeral I got on with life pretty unscathed. Partly I think because he'd lived a full and happy life, partly because he would have wanted it that way, and partly because it was a relief (he had dementia). There's also a pragmatic part of me that acknowledges that old people die. It's the way of life. And he had a 'good' death and we all said goodbye and told him we loved him and that he'd left a very happy, loving family legacy.

I miss him but remember the happy times and the best parts of him.

Everyone is different in grief and my advice would be to accept how you feel and don't question it too much. But be honest with yourself and if you need to cry or get sad occasionally, then do so and don't bottle it up.

Dads are special and they made us. But dads also want their kids to thrive and be happy. You're doing that so my guess is that it's just how he'd want it.

I once went to a funeral of a woman where the eulogy was given by her university age sons. They said something that has stayed with me since along the lines of 'it's really bad right now but it will all be ok. She's taught us everything we need to cope with her going and just remember the happy times'. I see that as my aim with my children. That when I die they will be emotionally capable to process it and despite the sadness carry on. Perhaps your dad did the same with you. Sorry for your loss OP.

Different people respond differently to grief. I’m like you. Yes, I feel sad and perhaps more prone to tears at time, but life goes on. I’m not consumed by grief.

You’re not wrong to feel how you do. On tv, grief is always portrayed as totally dominating, but it’s not like this for everyone.

Like a previous poster said, you may find that certain triggers such as birthdays, or eating a favourite family cake will trigger heightened emotion.

Both my parents died earlier this year, in quick succession, after horrible illnesses. I cried and howled in the immediate aftermath but quickly got back to dealing with life and the living. I think perhaps we are programmed to do so rather than living in a state of eternal grief. My grief seeps through though. It could be a song or something someone says. Actually music is a real trigger, particularly if its something from their 'heyday - the fifties.
I wouldn't worry that you're not normal.
Take care of yourself though xx

Same here after my beloved husband died. People, kind people said things like its ok to cry but I honestly didn't want to and still don't ten years later. Can I suggest a book called " you'll get over it, the rage of grief" which I found helpful? Its not a comfort read but its kept me going through some bad moments. You can't make yourself fell what you or others think you should. And I am sorry for your loss. May his memory become a blessing.