Dad died and I am angry with him for so many reasons.

[WowIlikereallyhateyou]

Today i was contacted by my dad’s third wife to tell my my dad 75, died two weeks ago of cancer. She claims to have no contact number to be able to let me know beforehand, which is rubbish and she nevertheless has my address,so could have written to me. Dad knew he had terminal cancer two months before he died and in his wife’s words got everything in order before he died.

My father was dreadful to my mum, cheating, and hitting her. She left with me when i was three. I saw my dad at weekends, when he could be bothered to pick me up, and he always tried to palm me off on someone else. He disappeared from my life early on, and would show up at random times during my childhood, and as i really didnt know him, always felt a bit scared of his showing up as a shy small child. He tried to recontact me at the age of 16, and promptly told me i was fat and would never be attractive to anyone! Random and hurtful i know. Randomly At 18 he sent me 19 red roses, and again randomly at 21 a card with some elses name crossed out in it! He never provided any financial help to my mum and I always saw my grandfather as the major farther figure in my life. When grandad died when i was 18, i was devastated and still now at nearly 50 miss him dearly.

About 15yrs ago, i decided to try to reconcile with him, to find out why he practically abandoned me as a child and why he was so rotten to me. His excuse was that he and my mum had an acrimonious divorce! He seemed not to be able to separate me from my mum, and never really gave me a proper reason for his behaviour towards me. Nevertheless i stayed in contact with him and third wife by sending cards / letters at birthday and christmas.

Fast forward to today, I cannot get my head around why he didn’t ring me to tell me he was ill. I should know the answer that he has always been an appalling parent so why would he be any different, but he must have thought so little of me that I didn’t deserve a call. I have a half brother who I have never met, it has always been discouraged, and he has always been looked after by my dad, even though he again is child of divorce. And no doubt will have been well catered for, as always has everything paid for by dad.

I just wanted to know why I didn’t deserve any care, support or at least a explanation. I feel no real grief if that makes sense, as I didn’t really know my dad well, but I do feel badly treated. I feel like I was singled out through no fault of my own and his final insult was not contacting me. Anyone else gone through something similar?

Sorry to hear of your experience with your father. The whole lot. I guess you know in your head that he was a lost cause, not you.

I remember a friend describing how his totally absent father reappeared with mouth cancer. My friend said "I waited all my life to ask why he abandoned me. And when he finally turned up we couldn't hold a conversation."

I hope you can connect with someone else who understands what you are going through.

I can sympathise. My Dad was in my life more when I was younger but has been a poor Father.
You're experiencing a very understandable reaction.
Any hope you may have had for any answers is gone.
But one thing I can tell you unequivocally, is that none of this was your fault or because of you. It's all a reflection of him and his values. Or lack of.
You're angry because you know you didn't deserve this.

I am in a holding pattern, waiting for this to happen to me.
My circumstances are a little different, my parents split when I was an adult but after than my dad dropped me pretty fast in favour of his new wife, who was the OW.
He has informed me he is ill, and that when he dies I’ll be informed by a cremation company. There will be no service and his ashes will go to his wife.

I’ve come to the conclusion that he is pretty selfish, that his needs are always placed above other people and it’s not me it’s him.

im pretty rational about it now, but expect to be devastated when the time arrives. I fully plan to get therapy. Do you have the funds to seek support?

Thanks for your replies, i have just seen them. I haven’t felt at all upset since i was told, just irritated that he didn’t care enough even to let me know he was dying. However, i suspect it was down to the fact he could never be bothered with me. He never failed to disappoint even at the end!