Grandad’s birthday - feel I messed it up for DS

[Fannydango]

DS (8) has struggled a lot since his great grandfather died a few months ago. We talk about him a lot and have done various things to remember him.

It was GF’s birthday a couple of days ago and we decided to have a family gathering - i told DS it was our way of celebrating him.

At the end of the day, DS said he didn’t feel like we celebrated him, that we just ate, chatted and played music. And he’s right - none of us actually mentioned GF. I lit his candle for the day and I’d got some of his favourite food but that was it. I think although we have all spoken about him since he died separately, we haven’t done so as a group really. I think we’re all still struggling and just all found it too hard to say his name. I nearly said “let’s all say happy birthday to GF” but I couldn’t get the words out. So now I feel it was a really wasted opportunity - I think it would’ve done DS so much good to hear us all talk about him and join in himself. I don’t want him to feel like GF is a subject he can’t bring up. I don’t know how to make it right.

I would explain it to him as you have here. Acknowledge that he is actually correct. You agree that it wasn't what you had in mind, but as it was the first birthday since GF passed, it was a difficult day to work through. Tell him GF would be pleased that you all at least spent that day together, and that in future it will hopefully be a little easier to manage these days. Ask him what he would like to do next time around.

He sounds like an emotionally mature little boy, and one who knows he can talk to you about his feelings. I wouldn't say you have messed up at all.

Thank you so much @isitbetterlate Very kind words. I need them at the moment - so full of guilt about so much.