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To feel numb (relative sudden death)
9

Themilkyway97 · 04/05/2022 10:30

Hello,
(Apologies if this upsets anyone)

A family member (cousin) died very suddenly at the weekend. I hadn't seen them for a few years prior due to not living locally and with Covid and whatnot. We had a disagreement a while back (2019) and hadn't spoken. In the past we were closer and got on better but sadly not in more recent times. Now she's gone. I felt shock and disbelief and also guilt at first but now nothing. Stone cold numbness. I'm sad for her of course as she was only early 50s and sad for her more immediate family but other than that totally detached. I'm worried I am abnormal somehow. Fwiw I do have autistic traits and do struggle with empathy at times, whether this is clouding my reaction I don't know. No one knows for sure yet what caused her death.

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Themilkyway97 · 04/05/2022 10:31

I've had emotional detachment before where my feelings of sadness are quite fleeting and are quickly swept away by other distractions.

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notanicepersonapparently · 04/05/2022 10:36

Perhaps your grief was felt more when the relationship with your cousin broke down? If you had already lost them in effect back then, their death may not have affected you so much now. I don't think your reaction is unusual given the circumstances you describe.

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BoDerek · 09/05/2022 17:11

I think it is ok to feel whatever it is that you feel. Please don’t put pressure on yourself to grieve one way or the other.

I have found that every bereavement has affected me differently, that there isn’t one response and I guess it’s all to do with our relationship with the deceased.

A woman I worked with for a few years who was utterly lovely and someone I greatly respected died very suddenly at 39. It was such a shock to us all and yet I have never shed a tear, found that baffling, but tbh I think I have never grasped that she died, it was more as though she left work (even though I went to her funeral!)

I think just be gentle with yourself and let the feelings come, whatever they are - and whenever they happen..

It may be that you shut down a bit when you fell out all that time ago?

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Themilkyway97 · 15/05/2022 23:57

Thank you for the responses, it's comforting to know that what I'm feeling isn't odd. I have various emotions swirling around, but do feel quite indifferent towards her death (I don't want that to sound awful even though it does when I write it). I feel bad for her and how she has suddenly been robbed of her life and also for her DC to have lost their mother. Seems so cruel and final.

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Codswallop20 · 16/05/2022 00:02

Grief is weird. You feel however you feel.

It's a process that you need to go through and for everyone it's different. I'm sure you will have lots of different feelings as time passes.

It's ok. Feel however you feel.

Hugs x

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notlongtoo · 16/05/2022 10:09

Losing a relative, suddenly, is always a horrible shock.
We lost our son, suddenly, at 22, and went through a variety of emotions. Denial, anger, grief. The grief is always with us, triggered by some event of the other.
At the end, it has made us somewhat emotionally numb.
What others find earth shattering, or important, appears to be an inconvenience for us, in many cases.

For others who find themselves grieving, we try to support, since we have an appreciation of how they feel

It is like a long black tunnel, but there is light at the end, which you will eventually reach. Helping others and keeping occupied, are ways of reaching that point
There are always others with problems that are at least as serious, sometimes extreme physical pain, or life shortening. They need support that you can provide.
DON'T give up! People feel for you, and will support you, as you can support those who are less fortunate in other ways.
Treasure the happy memories!

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Themilkyway97 · 17/05/2022 19:03

@notlongtoo I'm really sorry for your loss 💐

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notlongtoo · 17/05/2022 19:11

Thank You!
The memories keep coming back, and from time to time, the tears.
We have lived with this for 30 years. it would be unnatural if we did not have such feelings.
This is where love hurts. But without love, what is life?
Please ride out the bad times, you will come through it, in some ways stronger, but certainly with a different view on life.
It is an enormous help to be positive; even when things look really black.
You will survive, buoyed up by love from family and friends.

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Codswallop20 · 21/05/2022 00:37

Take care OP and be kind to yourself xxx

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