Funeral invite

[Blueheartpinkheart]

My Mum is not having a funeral but a private cremation and then a celebration of her life next month. When we made the death announcement, we told everyone where and when the celebration would take place. Now, family members are saying that she wouldn't have wanted an open invite as she would have only wanted those closest to her to attend. This is just an additional stress that adds to my grief as I am worried that I am not carrying out mum's wishes. How do I word my invite so that we don't get lots of people turning up. I'm not sure who she would have personally invited so individual invites are not an option. I want it to say what I mean without sounding harsh. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.

I'm sorry you lost your mum. Where are you planning on holding the life celebration event?

I'm not sure if this is practical but could you say, "we are having a small family gathering at 3 o'clock to remember mum together and then we will be welcoming her friends to join us from 5 o'clock for refreshments. Please let us know by dd.mm.yyyy if you would like to come. We realise so many of mum's friends wont be able to make it, and we have given a lot of thought to keeping numbers small as covid rates are still high, so if you would like to remember mum from home, then we invite you to light a candle for mum on that day and bring to mind your most treasured memories of her, as we celebrate her life and the time we spent with her, wherever we may be on that day."

With some word-smithing.

If you have a little private session first, family can gather and then those that can't face the hordes will leave.

By stating "we realise many of mums friends wont be ae to make it..." and mentioning covid you set up a little behavioural nudge to discourage lots of attendees.

Another option is to ask the family members making this comment to organise the event and the communication with all the people not invited.

I'm sorry for your loss @Blueheartpinkheart
Another option is to ask the family members making this comment to organise the event and the communication with all the people not invited.
I agree with this. I've never been to a funeral that has requires a private invitation, so its new to me. Send the details to the one of the attendees ask them to let you know final numbers by x date.

She was your mum. Is this family members who would have known her as well as you?

When my grandmother died we knew where she wanted her ashes scattering (local beach which she loved) but some family members insisted vocally that she would have wanted them taking back to her own country. They didn't know her as well as we did though.

Do what you want, not what relatives are pressuring you to do.
A funeral is usually attended by whoever wants to go, so an open invite sounds right.

Meant in the gentlest way possible, these family members won’t have been as close to your mum as you were. They’re confusing the private service with the celebration. Stick to your original plans and don’t take their nonsense on board.
like a lot of people the last couple of years, we had to have a funeral for my dad with nothing afterwards, and we’re still feeling the negative effects of that, but the moment for the life celebration has passed.
People being together following a funeral is something that’s evolved over a lot of years for a reason, it’s healing for those left behind.

You’re giving your mum the funeral service she wanted in having it private, the life celebration is about how you want to do it.

TLDR-it’s none of their business

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum.

However, she was your Mum and you, along with any siblings/parent you might have, are the people to organise the celebration of her life - and it has nothing to do with anyone else in the family. You do what you think is best and ignore other people's opinions. I hope it goes well.

Actually scrap what I said, as pp have said, you know her best. Ignore the outside noise and do what you think is best.

Problem is, how do you define 'close?'

close to you? close to her?

it sounds to me that they are trying to excluse someone specific. Might that be the case?

I'm sorry for your loss. It is grossly insensitive to put this on you now. An open standard invite is fine. If anyone dares bleat on to you about this say that you don't know everyone she would want to invite and are not up to ringing round anyway.

As an added explanation also say in the absence of specific instructions from your mum you are going to go with what is usually done. She obviously wasn't that concerned so they shouldn't be either.

Do they want to take over the organisation And do you want to let them?

OP, where your Mum is now, she is beyond cares. But as she loved you, she would have wanted you to do what sat right with you, surely.

Remember, just because someone airs their opinion to you, there's no need for you to respond beyond a "hmm" or "thank you for letting me know" or whatever.

Sickness and death often bring a touch of - may I speak frankly - a touch of the batshit out in some people. It's a thing I've seen time and again over the years. It's not you, it's them. Nod sagely and then do what you want.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mum died on February 28th and I had a direct cremation for her, and a wake / celebration of her life lady week. How close are the family members to you and your mum?

She was your Mum and in the nicest way possible funerals/celebrations of life etc are for the benefit of the living in my opinion. So do what you would like to do and need to do for you. Dont let other family members dictate and don't worry about what your Mum would have wanted because I imagine what she would want most would be for you to do what you want/need to do.

Thank you for your responses and sorry for the delay in response. It's been a hard first week.