Its my birthday tomorrow but she isn't heree.

[Butfirstcoffees]

Hi

I turn 40 tomorrow. What was going to be a celebration is just nothing and I just want it over. Mum died very suddenly aged 66, last December. No warning. She was here and gone.

In her safe was my 40th birthday present. I dont want it. I can't even look at the box, which has a small label on it in her hand writing.

Mum would have baked a cake (her hobby) and she would have arrived on doorstep and swept in filling my house with her presence.

Dad's just not like that. He has bought me a present. And we are close he is just very quiet and reserved. He always thinks he is intruding if he made a fuss or made a decision without consulting me. My son is with his dad as his dad wouldn't swop days with me. Dp is disabled so has very little money. I cover all the bills and share my wage with him as i earn well, but it seems weird to spend my own money on gifts for myself. He always feels shit that he has to use my money for things like this (he only gets a small amount of pip he refuses to see shared money as shared). Trying to leave the house with all his equipment is difficult anyway. Mum would have worked round it.

She knew how hard it was for me working and trying to care for dp and ds. She made sure I always felt special on my birthday.

I dont know why I am writing this. No one can help but I have never felt so alone in my life. Since she died everything is getting worse. My physical health is declining, my joints ache I am putting weight on I feeling shit. Emotionally and physically, I feel like I am shutting down. I just want her back.

[Sexnotgender]

I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine how hard it is for you.

I’m 40 tomorrow too, I hope you can find a small piece of joy in your day.

[PAFMO]

Oh bless you.
Your Mum sounds wonderful and your dad sounds very gentle and unassuming.
My Mum died in June 20 but had been ill for some time, and in some ways it was a blessing.
It's hard to know that she already got you the present. There will come a day when you want to see it and hold it and know that she was thinking so much of you when she got it for you.
Wishing you a peaceful day tomorrow ❤️

[linerforlife]

OP, be your mother's daughter tomorrow and fill your house with joy. Sounds like she was lovely. Bake a cake. Open the gift from her, and treasure knowing she chose it just for you. Get a nice meal delivered for you, your DP and Dad. Open a bottle of fizz. Feel your day fill with the warmth and enthusiasm your mother clearly possessed. Happy birthday ❤️

[mommybear1]

Beautifully said @linerforlife - do it OP you will have a wonderful day filled with memories of your Mum this way - take time for you - Happy Birthday 🎂

[Butfirstcoffees]

Thank you all. @Sexnotgender I hope you have a lovely day tomorrow.

@linerforlife that's a lovely thought. But I am nothing compared to mum. I couldn't hold a candle to her. I will try. But I don't feel like I have any joy left.

Maybe I just need to sleep and will better tomorrow l. I only got 2 hours last night. Maybe things will feel a bit better in the morning.

Thank you all. Your kindness has made me feel slightly less alone.

[Pattygonia]

Happy birthday. And for you and for your lovely mum. Your love for her shines through your post and I'm sorry you're finding it so hard

[addler]

Your mum sounds like a lovely woman.

And she raised you, didn't she? Everything she is as a person she gave to you either directly or just by being your mother. So don't put yourself down so much- she was proud of you, and you should be proud of yourself.

Everything is so much worse with no sleep, I get so emotional and overwhelmed without it. I hope that improves soon.

Happy birthday op. Tomorrow won't be the day you envisioned in your head. But it's here anyway, so try and find some joy in the day. You deserve it.

[Getoffmyshoes]

Your mum sounds like an amazing lady and I’m so very sorry for your loss 💐

[Pal1mpsest]

I’m late with this but just chipping in to add my best, and to say that I'm sure your lovely mum would have been excited for you to open her gift. I hope you managed a day with some bright moments as you remembered your mum and the joy she brought.

I'm clearing my mum's house at the minute (I have a thread about it) and I really do know how you feel. It’s hard.

[Birdy78]

Your mum sounds wonderful and she’s obviously raised a daughter as lovely as herself. You’re just grieving sweetheart and it will all take time. That’s why you feel so bad. It would be awful if someone we love dearly dies and we just carry on as normal without shedding a tear. You are still in early days of the loss you’ve suffered. Your mum loved you very much and in time the memory of her will warm your heart instead of wounding it. 🦋