DD's friend's Mum has died, any advice on what to say ?

[Kittypickle]

I know there's no right or wrong way to handle this but I need to get my head around what to say when DD comes home from school - her friend's Mum died over the weekend after a long battle with cancer (DD was vaguely aware that she was ill). DD (nearly 6)is very sensitive and had nightmares about DH dying after a girl in her class told her that her Dad didn't live with them and that she really misses him, so I know this will hit her hard-her current experience and perception of death is that old people and pets die. What have other people said in similar situations and does anyone have any good books that you could recommend ? Many thanks.

Yikes. I guess the main thing is taht the friend is going to need LOTS of support - maybe you could have her for a weekend or something to give her dad a chance to grieve on his own, and then also the two girls can talk it through together?
Books on dealing with young death don't spring to mind I'm afraid. There's a book called 'Badger's parting gifts' about an old badger who gives away his stuff before dying and is then remembered - the real gift is the memory of his love i think.
It might help to find out (or guess) exactly what was wrong - not just 'cancer' but more specific - and to play up the fact that this lady was very ill with that specific thing, most illnesses don;t lead to you dying but that was especially nasty,but not catching and very rare. At the end of the day though i guess children have to come to terms with mortality and are often better at handling it than adults. If she asks (either directly or in a roundabout way) if you are going to die (which she probably will), I think I'd be very firm and say 'no' or 'not for a long time', rather than 'hopefully not'!
Thinking of you all at this time.
xxx

Thank you both - her friend did start coming round to play before she became ill again - she clung to her Mum for ages before she went off and played - I don't think we are a familiar enough place for her to stay at the moment, she's just changed her afterschool care last week and next week there's an upheaval as the school moves to a new building, I think she needs as much continuity as possible at the moment.She does have a very close friend in her class who she tends to play with a lot of the time and both sets of parents are close. I did say to her Dad that I would help in anyway but by the look of him this morning he's in shock and will rely on the couple of people that they are very close to, maybe in time I can help in some way.

She's had experience of my Nan and her cat dying, it's just it seems very different when it's one of her friend's Mums, so I guess the main thing is to explain how ill she was and the bit about most illnesses not leading to death and to help her think of something to say to her friend.

Yes, and if you approach it in a matter of fact way yourself without hedging around it and showing upset when you speak to her I'm sure that will help her too. Hope she's OK

My Fil died of cancer when my dd was 2.6 yo and she remembers it still 18 months later. She still asks why did he die and as she gets older seems more interested in death. I try to be light about it and even though I am not very religious I say he has gone to heaven where god can take all his pain away but he has to stay there and can't visit us anymore. She accepts this for now I think. There is a book about Mog the Cat and death which I heard was good but haven't read it personally.

How sad. There are lots of books for young children about dying. I'm afraid I don't know any titles, but if you went to the children's section of your local library you would find one I am sure.

Fred and Edna through the Hedge by Jenny Hessell, is about a little boy who lives next to an elderly couple and the man dies of a heart attack. It tells how he can't cope with facing thr oldl ady as he doesn't know what to say, in the end he goes round to her house and the old lady and the young boy cry together, then end up eating chocolate cake and lughing together.

Easy to read, only 16 pages and lovely illustrations, good for any age from small, HTH

aww Kittypickle, so sorry to hear this {{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}} i know you mentioned the other day that it was iminent. i am so sorry. Not much to say really as advice has already been given. Poor woman and poor family

Hi Kittypickle, so sorry to hear this it must be a really awful thing for all involved. I would explain about the illness, as others have suggested, and also try to explain that it is not a simple thing like a cold, and that it was something she had in her body - although trying to think of a way it is going to be a hard thing to try and explain. I would sit down and maybe get dd to make a card for her friend and keep her mind on the fact that her friend needs her as a friend. I dont know - i keep typing things then deleting them! It's a really hard one - I'm sure you will do the right thing

Kittypickle,

So sorry to hear this. A friend of mine died of cancer in the Spring, leaving two small children (the same ages as mine) and it really hit all of us.

The approach I found best with my children was to explain things in a very calm and matter-of-fact way. I didn't try to hide things, but I was open to questions and discussion whenever they raised the subject.

And please, please stay in touch with the family. The father may be in shock now, but he'll need all the help he can get over the next few years. Even little things make a difference, like offering to give a child a ride to a party, or to take them to school sometimes if Dad has to go into work early for a meeting, or minding them while he goes to parent-teacher consultations - stuff like that.

I've looked after one of my friend's children a lot since he and my daughter started school in September. One hard thing for me was knowing what to do or say when he mentioned his Mum. I settled for the same matter-of-fact approach that I took with my own kids, and that seems to have worked. He now mentions his mum quite easily and openly when he's in our house, and that seems good to me.

But there are days when my heart could break for the whole family Whatever we can do is so little compared with what they've lost.

DD seems fine about it, very matter of fact which is exactly how I've treated it. I've explained about it being a very bad illness not like the sort of things we get etc, I will keep a close eye on her and fingers crossed for no nightmares. Her poor teacher apparently cried when she told them DD has just said - her brother died last week and her elderly mother is in hospital- she went home sick afer lunch. I will make sure I offer help again to the father once the funeral is over. Thanks for all the advice, it has really helped today.

Hi Kittypickle, a "school" dad died just over a year ago (suddenly of a heart attack) and his 2 daughters are friends of my dd. We did the same as you, ie. offered any help to the other parent (mum in this case)and made sure to include the 2 girls in as many invites as poss, eg. parties etc. Its really hard for you right now to know what is the best/right thing to do - all you can do is keep being as friendly as poss like you are. I have to say the family in my school have found some sort of equilibrium a year on and openly talk about their dad/husband in a very natural way. But at first everyone was very shocked and extremely sad, of course, and my dd (who was 6 at the time) did ask if me and dh were going to die.