Would there be any point?

[thisisallwrong]

In having counselling to deal with the suicide of someone I never had a long term relationship with?

I have so much guilt, regret, questions that will never be answered, and little hope of ever feeling love for anyone else the way I did for them .

Of course there would be. I'm so sorry you are suffering.

I always recommend the NHS leaflet Help is at Hand, which is available online and is good on the wider impact of loss by suicide - I found it helpful.

Thank you @PermanentTemporary I will read that.

I feel like such a fraud, and so selfish.

Selfish?

If you want to say more, do (but you don't have to). My husband's suicide was a bombshell in so many people's lives. I've been blamed for his death, you name it. I'm not easily shocked.

It's odd how these things affect people. They don't just affect the immediate family. A death like this can impact all sorts of people for all sorts of reasons.
You are not selfish for grieving and looking for support.

@PermanentTemporary

Selfish?

If you want to say more, do (but you don't have to). My husband's suicide was a bombshell in so many people's lives. I've been blamed for his death, you name it. I'm not easily shocked.

Selfish for feeling the way I do, when it was my choice to distance myself from him and protect myself from getting hurt again, when maybe we could have stayed friends.

@PermanentTemporary I'm so sorry you have gone through that. I cannot imagine how partners and families navigate this.

It sounds like you had good reasons to put some space between you.

Definitely have counselling. It’s not to do with the length of time but how you feel. I really hope it helps you.

I think counselling would be a good start. And don’t add to your burdens by feeling guilty about having it either.
I’m very sorry about the loss of your loved one.

Thank you.

I just can't imagine finding any joy in anything again. I've had plenty to be happy and excited about these past few months, and I was, even though he wasn't a part of any of it. Now, I feel nothing, like I've realised he really now never will be a part of any of it.

And I feel like I should have completely broken contact years ago, and maybe I wouldn't be hurting now.

All of that feels selfish too. He's dead and I resent the time I've spent wanting to be with him?

Have you seen your GP? Grief is very distressing. Cruse often have the NHS bereavement counselling contract.

No, I haven't.

Thinking rationally, I know it's early days, and I hope that the funeral will help. I also know that it will absolutely break me on the day. I find them very difficult at the best of times, due to childhood bereavements. But I know I need to go.

OP I'm so sorry you feel this way. Everything you say is totally normal. Cruse is a great resource but the charity SOBS specialise in bereavement by suicide uksobs.org/ so may be worth looking into? I'm not sure where you are as to what support they can offer but if it's not enough then definitely try Cruse

Oh gosh sorry I didn’t realise it was so recent. I hope the funeral helps and you can take comfort from others who probably feel the same way. Such a difficult time for you.

Years ago I lost a friend to suicide. It affected me very badly. We weren't close friends even but it did lead to me having some mental health issues. Definitely get the counselling. It can't hurt and can only help. I'm sorry for your loss x

Thank you for the suggestions.

I just wish I could back two years. Even just one.

A wise friend said to me 'you can't live life backwards'. The what-ifs are always there but they are pointless; you didn't make this happen. I am so sorry that you're suffering, that's because there was love.

I've just had a dream about him. I was telling myself I'm going get in touch and tell him exactly how I feel. And then remembered the reason I can't.

That's so sad 😪

Have an unmumsnetty hug x

Another dream.

I barely ever dreamt about him in the almost twenty years I knew him.